BPDFamily.com

I met a woman through a 12 step  recovery group in our hometown several months ago whom was/is going through a divorce. A beautiful and charming young woman, late 30s but could easily be late 20s as far as looks are concerned. Very outgoing and charismatic personality. I had been around her through our recovery group and I’ve never seen anything that would raise any flags as far as emotional problems although it was obvious that she was having a very difficult time getting and staying sober. She started pursuing me to hang out after our meetings. I’ve never been one to date someone that was not yet divorced and quite frankly I should’ve listened to that little voice in my head that warned me against this. She was relentless in her efforts to ensnare me and eventually I gave in. We began having an emotional affair at first which overtime became physical. I realized a few weeks into seeing her that I was head over heels in love with this woman, and she with me. Even though the husband was the one to file for divorce, somehow word got back to him that she was seeing someone. Things got out of hand quickly. Her husband showed up outside of my house one day demanding to speak with me and I-fearing a physical confrontation didn’t go to the door. Lots of drama, constant drama in fact involving the soon to be ex-husband and his bitter hatred of myself. For some reason whenever he would ask if she were seeing anyone she would always tell him about seeing me. It became very obvious that she seem to be placing me in the middle of this thing. I still don’t fully understand why that was a necessary component to her divorce but I feel as though I’ve been used. Perhaps as an emotional support while she exited the marriage. She relapsed on alcohol a couple of times and got a second DWI. I suggested she go to a 28 day treatment program which she reluctantly has gone and is currently attending. This would be the fifth or sixth treatment program she has attended over the last 10 years. Someone close with the both of us suggested to me that she might have BPD which at first I couldn’t see this. She had never displayed any type of splitting or mean or angry emotions towards me. The day before she left to go to treatment(after drinking), she informed me that there were a couple of guys that were also going through divorce who had recently texted her. She told me that she needed me to be aware of this because if she were to get drunk she might have sex with one or both of them. While she was telling me this it was like she had become a different arrogant person. I thought to myself, I’ve never had a woman tell me some bizarre thing like this. And for what cause?
She left to drive herself out 4.5  hours to treatment the next day. I spoke with her several times before she left about my concerns that she might feel tempted to drink on the way out there. She assured me that she was going to go straight out there and would not stop for alcohol. As I feared, she apparently started drinking along the way. One moment she called me and was telling me how much she loved me, 20 minutes later she called and told me that she had gotten lost and  that I should’ve never let her drive out there. She said that I should’ve known she had no business driving out there and called me everything under the sun before hanging up telling me never to contact her again. I brought up the fact that I had voiced my concerns to her and that she assured me she would be fine driving by yourself. That didn’t seem to matter. About 30 minutes later she calls again this time to apologize profusely and then went on and on about how much I mean to her and how much she loves me.
So now she is within the safe confines of a treatment facility and as far as I’m concerned it’s become more than obvious that this person either has BPD or some type of major emotional problem. My question is this, although I sincerely think I still have on some level feelings for this woman, in my heart of hearts I don’t think this is something that would be healthy for me to say the least. Multiple times a day she calls me from treatment to tell me how much she loves me and thinks about me to a point of absurdity and exhaustion. It reminds me of a high school relationship. I keep telling myself how am I going to get out of this without triggering her and what is best for me? And what is best for her? I don’t see myself with this person long-term at all. We are in two very different places. I divorced several years ago and vowed never to get back into a unhealthy relationship. I spent time going to therapy and addressing some of my codependent issues and up until now I was confident that I had healed a lot. I have debated contacting her therapist at the treatment center and using this woman to let her down easy so to speak? Another thing, she was only supposed to be there for a 28 day typical rehab stay. They had been advising her they really think she needs to stay for 90 days which she was adamantly opposed to. Yesterday I get a call from her telling me she has decided to stay for the 90 days. I can’t help but wonder if she hasn’t monkey branched or met someone even though they are very strict about talking to and interacting with the opposite sex. At least this gives me more time to figure out what I want and need to do for my own emotional health. Does this sound like BPD? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

It could be BPD or Narcissistic or some other personality disorder.  It would take a good therapist to find out.  Also, personality disorders can't be diagnosed while using drugs or alcohol.  If the relationship feels unhealthy to you then it definitely is. Maybe you should go back to therapy to find out if you are falling back into old co-dependency patterns.  The therapist might know the best way to exit a relationship with an unknown personality disorder.

 red-flag red-flag red-flag
DANGER WILL ROBINSON!  Use your interwebz-foo in here and search for people who discuss the Red Flags early in the relationship that dearly wished they had listened to them.  Almost every story has them.  My fiancé's story is chock full of flags she ignored.  Much to her regret.  She's very grateful to be away from her ex and life in the emotional pressure cooker, but now has to deal with co-parenting with him. 

Highly suggest you consider isolation from her until she demonstrates sobriety for an extended period of time, her personality stabilizes after detox, and you can honestly assess the red flags.  New relationships are exciting and full of limerence so it's hard to think clearly.  Take a step back away from the emotions so you can better understand what you may be getting yourself into.  CoMo