BPDFamily.com

First, a heartfelt thank you to everyone on the board. I don't think you know just how much you have all helped me over the last few months. The more I read on this board, the more I  know that I will heal, am healing, and that I will come out the other side a better woman.

The final discard with Mr BPD came near the beginning of a massive downward spiral of depression in my life. I was barely holding it together and the discard just nudged me the rest of the way over the edge. At a time where I could have used his friendship and support, he refused to even acknowledge my existence.

Some of you may remember that my ex has reached out a few times over the last 3 weeks or so, which sent me into a spiral of overthinking and anxiety. Finally, a couple days ago (Friday) we had a long-overdue discussion about the discard. It was interesting to say the least. At one point he sent me a screenshot of the text where I went off on him for using me and reading it with fresh eyes, I realized that I did pretty much tell him to get lost - not exactly in those words, but my downward spiral of depression was extremely evident in that I was pushing him away and in his BPD-ness he abandoned me before I could do that to him. Now, I in no way forgive him or blame myself for his actions - any normal person would have asked what the heck was going on before cutting me out - but I actually can see why he reacted how he did given the context of his BPD.

I am learning. I learned that I am not faultless in what happened, though I still maintain his level of reaction wasn't warranted. I have learned that I really do not want a relationship with someone who so easily gave up on me in my time of need (I keep saying I missed his friendship, but that is not how a friend acts). I have learned that I still have many issues to work on in myself, I knew that already actually, but I have come to the conclusion that I likely need to go back on meds because my depression/anxiety spirals are not helping anything.  [I went off them in February because they numbed my emotions and I felt like I needed to "feel" to work on myself. Apparently the feelings I have are too debilitating to function anymore. I honestly feel defeated, but that's a story for a different forum.]

So where do I stand with my ex?  Pretty much the same as the last few months except now he is no longer ignoring me. We haven't talked since that last discussion on Friday. I have no intention of reaching out to him; I have mentally put him in the category of "acquaintance" - someone you can be civil/friendly with if you happen to converse with them but not someone that you count on or spend time with. He just happens to be an acquaintance that has seen me naked. Oh well.

As for what my ex thinks of me? I honestly don't care. Maybe he thinks I am back in his pocket, maybe I am out of sight, out of mind. It doesn't really matter, does it?  What matters is that I have learned his true nature and that I have worked to let go of the feelings I once had for him. I actually think the talk on Friday was cathartic because I do feel today like I have finally let go (and I hope that continues!).

OK.

This part especially resonates with me, and really signals excellent growth and recovery.  To be able to admit that to yourself, to be able to stop candy-coating the dream of him… that’s so important.  Thank you for sharing your recovery.  It is really helpful. 

Thanks for sharing, ILMBPDC.

All I'll say: be careful.

This is purely based on my experience, so it doesn't necessarily generalise to you. But I have written something very similar, and found out later that I was lying to myself. I feel like, based on some of your recent posts, it seems too soon to consider yourself able to keep this man as an acquaintance.

I hope I'm wrong, but if I were to draw up a scenario for you that'll lead you to being drawn back in...this would be step number one.

Keep things stable all the time, in life generally. To enjoy a relsitonhship without it getting emotionally carried away. Do not let go {it will follow you back} dont hold on in first place. This keeps the mental stability baseline strong centred.

Yep, I have thought about that. And you're right it could very well be too soon. I was thinking after I posted this that while I feel this way right now its entirely possible I will have ups and downs and times where I am more vulnerable. I'm trying to take it day by day. Also writing (typing) these things down seems to help my resolve and it is my sincerest desire to not get drawn back in. I solemnly swear that should I feel my resolve weakening I will post about it. 

Thanks Calli, this was a little bit of an epiphany for me as I was writing it. This is not how friends act and he is not a very good friend and never has been. I feel like I have turned a corner in the last week. I am finally accepting him as he truly is and not as the person I thought he was with his mask on.

Post of the year? :) :) :) lol

You know ILM, you didn't ask any questions, you made a good declarative statement about where you are, and I thought it was good.  I affirmed it.

I see you as telling us you're weighing anchor out of Cape NoHope and setting sail for Restoration Point.  That sounds good to me.

That's the plan. I'm assuming (hoping, praying) nothing blows me off course.

Grow more confidence and move away from the passive stance. Your an adult, something happened to provide fracture points in the emotional integrity and others have honed in on this. This is what leaning element is for, recognise these things and it's good news they can be fixed up once acknowledged.

Be as truthfully reflective as you can and this involves change. It doesn't matter who you were and what you did, it matters only today in how you choose to deal with things in the current state of play and drawing on the experiences.

The door seems to be cracked a bit open.
  I have to think long and hard about what transpired in my saga to go and close up the door. Once an awhile i just want to open it a bit to see whats going on over there. I don’t anymore, it’s self flagellation.  It’s very very hard to get over the the intensity, both good and bad.
   Seems you got this.
   

   

   

Its an ongoing temptation. For me it's in the form of the door open to social media. The only one easily available. I sometimes get temptations but i manage to say no and in time im genuinely losing that impulse to care or be curious. I agree it can be a form of self flaggelation amidst other reasons. Main point is a success of having the loss of emotional excitation to feel compelled to do these things which only bring more upset. The reward pathway learns eventually 'no reward only upset'.

We self heal it takes time.

All I'm left with is is the idea that there's no way to look at this other than it being the worst experience of my life, knowledge on the topic, videos, discussion is therapeutic escape and makes it easier to understand but I think this is just going to be something I live with rather than something I'll "get over". It's gotten easier to deal with because I can rationalize and redirect lingering pain to knowledge of the disorder rather than myself.

I was all in. I believed every lie and the fake future. I was invested in a lifelong thing. Where I am now compared to 3 months ago is night and day, but it's still PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm). I envy those that have been able to heal and collapse the dream. I'm relying on time, distractions and life events to distance myself from it but it's still there like background noise of my day to day. I can laugh at it, see the ridiculousness of it, understand it from a logical perspective but beneath all of this is terrible, gut wrenching pain.

ILMBPDC, I agree with grumpydonut. Be Careful. Your recent posts suggests you may be opening the door a bit and I worry you are vulnerable for a rebound with him. I know there are things about your past relationship that you miss, but you need to move forward, not back. You know it wasn't healthy for you.

no need to envy. in time you will also become. 3 months I relate to - the only thing I noticed was I had got over the stun of the mortar shell enough to realise I was still in the game, that I was "me" and could peek over the trench and that there was in fact an "other" who id interacted with and managed to survive. Its of course, part of the recovery and important. Laughter and happiness, youll apprectiate them in certain moments. I really noticed when I started to have happy days and couldnt help but realise that they were either moments by myself or moments with other people - crucially my ex was absent and not a direct influencer. this recognition became important towards healing. Dont worry your on your way I know how difficult it felt and sometimes fatalistic feelings. push through it, perservere, and see what happens, happiness only exists with the experience of sadness as much as daylight only exists alongside night.

I learned the importance of emotional balance and I know im not the only one who - had - to. there was no other alternative once the choice was made to leave that lifestyle and find a different way of doing things.

No it wasn't healthy and I don't want to be back there. I am well aware he had a strangle hold on my emotions for a long time but he does not deserve to own that part of me any longer (and he never did).

Its interesting, I feel like something changed in the last 2 weeks, some switch was triggered in my brain with all the ups and downs and worrying and whatnot - maybe it was the sense of closure I got after talking to him - but I am moving on.
Am I deluding myself?  I really don't think I am, though of course anything is possible.

I am still here on the forum, still learning, still finding stuff out about *me* and why I have allowed this type of dynamic in my life. I am a work in progress and I am not saying I am suddenly perfectly healed - far from it - but I feel like I am on a new path.

I don’t think your deluding yourself. It’s obvious you have the the intelligence to be aware of the situation.
   Don’t be surprised with hiccups in the healing process, it can be triggered by something as simple as two people hugging or a song. I still have episodes of sadness even after two years of no contact. But I whistle songs sometimes out of the blue. That’s got to be a sign that anything is possible and we can heal.
 

I think there are definitely ups and downs. I feel so much better than I did in mid August when I was discarded with no warning and no explanation. In fact, I have begun to feel annoyed when thoughts of him randomly popped up in my brain. (This was such an improvement from the months I could think of nothing but him) Over the weekend, I didn't go to an event I thought he might have attended. I have stopped looking at social media at all in the past month so I can focus on me. I even told my therapist on Monday that we didn't need to talk about him much anymore and to move forward to working more on me. And I meant it. I see light. All this sounds great, right? So yesterday I was out for a walk and the leaves were turning. I texted him a pic of a tree. No note, just the pic. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I did that. Of course, no response. Not from the person who just threw me out.

So yeah, a bunch of steps forward, then a step back. Ugh.

IL, I don't think you are deluding yourself. I think you are growing and learning. You are becoming more self-aware as time passes. Hey as my best friend likes to say...as long as you are always moving forward then you are putting yourself in position to find success. Just remember regression is never a good thing. -His exact words. LOL. He is a trip.

Anyway, we are all works in progress. All we can is try to help one another get better along the journey.

Cheers and best wishes!

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I'm with you Goosey.  What's your preference of a hum-dinger?  Recently I've had "Red Rubber Ball" in the back of my mind, you know, Once Removed's tag line.  A lot of time my go to is "I keep Forgettin'" by Michael McDonald.

Yesterday I heard "Dear Prudence" on the radio.  Hard to believe that song is over 50 yrs old.  That's got quite the baseline, and that's what I'll hum.

If I get too down I sometimes like to remember I have at least 3 people in my corner,  "Me, Myself & I"  De La Soul has a nice tune to remind me of that. :)

Ok props to you ADM...now you are speaking my lingo...De La Soul. Ha I still rock Me, Myself, and I regularly. A true classic never goes out of style. Hell that could be my theme song.  lol

Sorry to hijack. Now back to our regular scheduled programming.

Cheers and best wishes!

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Don’t fret about send a random foliage photo or random “how are you”. Hell that’s just being human.  
    And inevitably he will do just the same somewhere along the line.
     No doubt.
   As for whistling I am in random don’t care much mode so “Henry the eighth I am “ will drive all others crazy if they are stuck in vicinity too long.
   Great way to remain n. Diamonds solitary man.  

Closure. 
  The thing that I will never get.
They thing I think a lot of us seek.
The reason I still read these posts and comment.
I understand maybe now why,  but won’t give closure.
   Maybe a winning 100 million powerball ticket would do the trick. 
    They will never give us closure, we have to find that peace somehow ourselves. 
   

That would change everything, because now you'd be a rich man
  without closure.
You could buy 1000 doors, and close them 1000 times and still be...
  without closure.