BPDFamily.com

Its my son's birthday in december and I arranged to go and see him - which means seeing her too. I have now backed out and she is fuming. Fathers day was a nightmare - she used that time to get at me and I am sure she will do the same with his birthday - they live together and she will create a huge fuss if we try to meet without her and she knows.

Now I am going to see him without her knowledge - I hate doing it but no other option.

She is still saying my mum is manipulating me etc and I should come back.

I last saw her in June. The thought of facing her makes me shudder. I feel like a coward - though I would be able to handle it. But no. I have cancelled she is calling me evil.

Apart from this I am getting on well enough.

You have no obligation to see her anymore. You tried a reasonable visit, and she abused you just as she did during your marriage. Knowing that, it is in your best interest to protect yourself.

Your son is an adult. Living with her, he probably understands your situation. The best solution is to have a relationship and visits with your son completely separate from your ex.

No need to feel bad or guilty about this...you're still newly divorced, and it takes time to sort out how you feel.

Thanks - it was dumb of me to volunteer this visit. It is easy to forget just how bad things were as more time passes. She will no doubt keep up the pressure blaming and shaming. I feel better now I know I am not going. I'm actually looking forward to the drive up to see my son - in secret. Just for a few hours - but have not seen him in 6 months so I feel I must. He actually must want it too as I informed him I would not be coming to the flat and he suggested meeting without her knowledge.

On another note there was something in the news recently - a woman who attacked her husband with a knife and while he was on the phone to the ambulance finished him off by stabbing him in the heart - her words recorded - "I've just stabbed him where his heart should be - but of course he hasn't got one". He died - she claimed he was a controller for 20 years. The man's daughter contradicted that and said it was his wife who was the controller. My wife often accused me of having no heart - she also attacked me with various weapons and came at me with a knife on several occasions. The jury did not believe her and she got 18 years. I feel fairly sure they got it right - it takes a person of zero empathy to stick a knife in someone while he is calling for an ambulance - and controlling NPDs/BPDs really have no empathy at all. I learned that in the 20 years I spent with her.

Mr Right you are not a coward. You just don't want to put up with her S :cursing: anymore. That is valid and more to the point you do not have to nor should you.

Be kind to you and take it easy. This is all a process.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

“is easy to forget just how bad things were as more time passes”
     Exactly.
I do the same.

Thanks for the replies.

I went to see my son on Tue 30th Nov. We spend 4 hours together and had a great time catching up etc. I am a little concerned by some of what he tells me it is like living with her. The old abandonment fear - I have gone now - and she fears he will go. Hugs him 20 times a day - prays at his bedside at night etc. Is suspicious when he does anything out of the ordinary. I feared that she would collapse emotionally if I left - and only his presence is stopping that from happening. He plans to leave her when he graduates in 2023 - as he said he needs his own space - he feels that he cant have a girlfriend for example.

Now since I informed her I would not be coming at all for the birthday - after an initial outburst - I have received no emails or messages from her at all. A good sign in one way - it has dawned on her there is no going back - and she wants to erase me from every cell in her brain. My son advised me not to send any xmas present.

Well I am going to see him again next month as I can see it is important to keep that contact with him.

I spoke too soo - she has been in touch today asking me to reconsider and visit - saying if I miss his birthday I will regret in years to come.

I replied saying I would be happy to see him but not you.

I wont cave in.