BPDFamily.com

I stumbled upon this disorder after after having an episode myself that lead to the end of my relationship and getting into therapy. If you were to speak to me during the last month of my relationship you’d probably think I was the pwBPD..

I certainly felt as if I was splitting on my ex at times, i wanted to break up with her, I used to mute her texts because I was so uncomfortably in love and dependent on her and felt engulfed. I’d distance myself and then come closer. I’d interpret everything happening as a value proposition of my self worth.

I had episodes of sulking. I was hurt by the faces she made sometimes (typical bpd trait). I perceived a love note from her for my promotion as potential abandonment because of how careless it was and I threw the dinner under the bus. Sometimes I’d be upset and act out and wish I could stop but couldn’t. I felt bonkers.

I definitely had severe abandonment anxiety, abandonment was on my mind a lot in the relationship. I pushed her away hard at the end and it felt like I was dying and I wanted her back. I literally felt like “I hate you don’t leave me”.

The relationship felt like an attack on my nervous system.

I think if you spoke to my ex the outcome would point to me meeting bpd criteria just as much as she did.

Despite all of this, I know I’m normally rational, that I can arrive at sensible outcomes to arguments and that I know what’s fair and what isn’t.

If I hadn’t had previous relationships were stable that turned into friendships I’d be convinced I’m BPD.

It’s like a catch 22. I entered her world for the relationship to work. Sacrificed my sanity and boundaries, acted unlike myself and spiraled, experienced the pain of pushing the one I loved away. Then when reality kicked back in I blamed myself for everything because I didn’t act like myself, even though it’s the only way it was possible for the relationship to work. And to top it off they seem to hate you and now you seem like the crazy person when all you wanted was sanity and stability.

It’s like a sick joke, it’s precisely awful. The exact opposite of a good relationship. Your good intentions create equal and opposite suffering in both of you. It’s surreal, things happen that don’t make sense. I literally bought her a huge diamond ring and she told me it lost her a sale at her job  lol - I remember feeling bad for buying her diamonds from a jeweler she loved.

I can laugh at these things now but at the time it felt like I was dying. So if you’re feeling crazy after your breakup, it’s normal, and it does get better.

Good points IntoTW.  For 7 months I stewed on my own wondering "What did this girl do to me?".  I eventually looked up Borderline Personality Disorder and oh, there was a picture of her (ok, not really).  Textbook case, as anyone can read the factors listed in the DSM V. 5 of 9 and the girl's not fine.  If she's running 8, boy she's far from great!

You're right, you're not crazy, and neither are the people on this list (mostly...ha).  You're like me,  just a regular guy with a big swinging...set of complexes trigged by your ex!   lol

 lol yep! This is a HUGE part of it. She played heavily on the issues that she knew I already had. The other part was playing heavily into the idea of marriage with me because she knew I was looking to settle down.

Early on in the relationship, she was flakey and I said to her "look, I'm looking for something serious, marriage, a family so if you're not interested, then we should probably call it a day". She said to me "I just got jealous of you marrying someone else so we should be together".

From then on she basically used the future as a tool to keep me interested and I believed she was sincere. I remember believing that I'd destroyed my chance at marriage and a future with her when in reality this was just a sure fire way to keep up the high quality supply coming whilst playing on my other insecurities for fun I suppose.

She did all of this lying and manipulation so that she could get back rubs at night and quality sandwiches. Once the back rubs and sandwiches came with boundaries and quality reciprocation she had to make a satisfying excuse to move on and paint me as an evil man who buys her diamonds.

I feel like the biggest fool on the planet which is much better than feeling like I destroyed my future (because it was never real).

Into the wind…

Your summation of your relationship sounds like you were describing mine almost to a T!” It’s mind boggling how all the stories, though details different, but overall are all the same.Doesn’t seem like it ever works out really idk why we all try/tried. Seems like you could put so much into a relationship but in a moments pause, wham! All is forgotten and you become the ‘enemy’Such a shame. I’m getting off the ride. Time to quit my caretaker position.

Just wanted to jump  in and say that I have read that a LOT! It seems like a lot of people start taking on some of the traits, especially in a volatile BPD relationship. Its like its our natural instinct to fight fire with fire and we end up becoming someone we don't want to be.

I totally get this!  It puts you into a flight/fight/flee response. But, really, any traumatic situation does the same. Its interesting to look at it from that perspective - our nervous systems are telling us something - that this is a traumatic situation and we shouldn't be there.

Right, one of the biggest hallmarks of BPD is a pattern of unstable relationships - it seems nearly impossible for them to have a decent relationship.
TBH, after reading the boards and watching videos, etc., I have sometimes wondered if I have BPD but I have had 2 therapists tell me no - though I do have abandonment issues for other reasons - that is not enough to be BPD. I don't have a pattern of unstable relationships, I am not impulsive, I don't have extreme emotional swings or explosive anger...its good to remind ourselves that anyone at any point can have unhealthy coping mechanisms - its the consistent patterns that make a disorder. The rest of us are able to see the unhealthy behavior and work through it.

Right, ITW.  In my view that's their modus operandi and one reason why a BPD r/s can be so confusing.

I could never reconcile that a person I loved, and who ostensibly loved me, could treat me in such cruel fashion.  It did a number on my self-esteem.  Admittedly, I was susceptible to a pwBPD due to my own naiveté regarding boundaries and my weak sense of self.

In a way, BPD forces one to confront one's own issues, which is a good thing, albeit painful.  What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, as Nietzsche said (I'm paraphrasing here).

Thanks to all,
LuckyJim

The way it looks from my vantage point after observing my BPD/NPD brothers’ numerous relationships, is that it’s not so much that they pull women in, but rather, women are drawn to them as a moth drawn to a flame.