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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: Elsiefaye on November 18, 2021, 08:27:53 AM



Title: I think I just need advice or some support
Post by: Elsiefaye on November 18, 2021, 08:27:53 AM

Long story cut short. Me and my best friend declared our feelings to one other. I wish I didn’t and I wish I did. She has bpd, insisting that she had it under control. This was my biggest mistake. Can’t take it back now.
2 months later she declared that she couldn’t loose me and that wanted to be just best friends again.
She knows my deepest darkest secrets, trauma I went throuh, I can’t loose her. She is literally the only one I have in my life at the moment.

This hurt a lot, her asking for a breakup. She explained that she felt trapped and needed to experience being single.
Around that time before the break up,  I introduced her to a girl that i met while taking my dog to the park. They both had the same interests. She had hardly no friends and this seemed like a good decision.

I know now what we had wasn’t really healthy, but I was happy.

After the breakup. I noticed that all her time went to hanging out with this new friend I introduced her to.

2 weeks later and today She wanted to show me a picture and a message popped up that meant she was seeing someone. I’m hurt. I feel like what we had meant nothing. It took her 2 weeks, 2 WEEKS!
I sit now now and realises I was never in love with her. But that’s doesn’t stop the hurt. It doesn’t stop me thinking was all the promises of love, intimacy, the poems and love notes. We’re they even true

How can I be best friend with her. I want her to find love. But this soon after us. I feel like she is restarting it all Over again ehat she had with me and now it doing this to the person I introduced.


Title: Re: I think I just need advice or some support
Post by: Ad Meliora on November 18, 2021, 10:03:58 AM
Long story cut short. Me and my best friend declared our feelings to one other. I wish I didn’t and I wish I did. She has bpd, insisting that she had it under control.

How can I be best friend with her. I want her to find love. But this soon after us. I feel like she is restarting it all Over again ehat she had with me and now it doing this to the person I introduced.

Welcome Elsiefaye.  The last part of your post is an all too familiar scenario for many on this list.  You're in good company.  I know it doesn't make sense, and it likely never will.  It looks like your friend's BPD is definitely not under control and damage has been done, to you.

I think it is highly unlikely that you'll be able to remain friends, let alone best friends.  I haven't seen that occur after a situation like yours, at least not on this board.  Best thing to do is take care of yourself, and set a clear boundary otherwise she may continue to walk all over you and make you feel terrible.

Something like, "I'm sorry, we can't be friends anymore after what has happened.  Please don't send me any more photos, etc... and I prefer to have NO Contact with you."  Just one idea, how you handle it is up to you of course.

Good luck.


Title: Re: I think I just need advice or some support
Post by: ILMBPDC on November 18, 2021, 02:31:38 PM
She knows my deepest darkest secrets, trauma I went throuh, I can’t loose her. She is literally the only one I have in my life at the moment.
In my experience - and in everything I have read - its pretty much impossible to go back to the way things were. I, too, felt like I couldn't lose my ex, that he knew everything about me, he was my best friend and I had no one else I was close to. It was terribly painful to lose this person that I felt was almost a piece of me. But I had to - it was toxic, I was an emotional mess around him and he had zero regard for my feelings (he would talk about his dating life to me after the breakup, like it was nothing). 
I am a massive introvert but I forced myself to start going to online meetup groups and I started meeting new people that way. I still don't have anyone that I feel as close to as I did him, but I have plenty of other people who actually want to have me around, even if its just virtually (though I do go to an in-person trivia group each week). I talk about my trauma with my therapist and am working on that as well.

I am not a therapist by any means but I think you would do well to start detangling yourself from her. In my case, he abruptly cut me off and I had no choice but to go no contact - but it was the best thing that could have happened. It forced me to detangle myself from him and find other friends. It allowed me time to look back and realize just how toxic the whole relationship was. It gave me a chance to look deeply at myself and figure out why I clung so hard to this one person, someone who obviously had very little regard for me as a person.

I know you feel adrift and hurt right now. Keep reading the forum, we all have similar stories and that camaraderie has helped me immensely. I think eventually you will come to a place where you feel better about letting go.


Title: Re: I think I just need advice or some support
Post by: Erfanovich on November 19, 2021, 02:51:01 AM
Excerpt
2 weeks later and today She wanted to show me a picture and a message popped up that meant she was seeing someone. I’m hurt. I feel like what we had meant nothing. It took her 2 weeks, 2 WEEKS!
I sit now now and realises I was never in love with her. But that’s doesn’t stop the hurt. It doesn’t stop me thinking was all the promises of love, intimacy, the poems and love notes. We’re they even true

Hi,

The story you tell is familiar to me. But 2 weeks is a long period compared to my situation. My exBPB had started a new relation about 3 months before our break-up, did not tell me . She also wanted to be friends but did act we were not only friends but still lovers, had sex and promised me so much in this period. I was plan B. When we broke up, the next day her new boyfriend was visiting with his kids and they 'acted' as a happy couple from that moment. In fact I had to break up because she was seeing him in the open. Still wondering how and when she would have told me she was seeing someone else, nest to me. I think she wanted me to feel second and break up myself... And the shocking thing is, she did exactly the same in summer 2020... Came back, but never, never took any responsability to make it work again altough she said the other guy was a disaster and she knew for sure I was the one to be with...

In my opinion you can't be best friends. It's a destructive, deadly play to stick and try to be best friends, I tried and broke me even more bc they can't. It hurts to read you don't have anyone who you can talk with but at this forum you are at a good place. We all had simular stories, quenstions and hurtfull feelings. It hurts that she knows all your deep secrets, trauma's and behaviour and you can't take it back. So accept and get your things together, determine which persons are good for you and who are not ( she isn't). Try to work on yourself and get busy doing nice things, meet other people or even a therapist.