BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

I am at a loss of what to do at the moment. I posted back here a few months ago that I broke up with my boyfriend who is diagnosed with BPD. After several months of discussions, we decided to make this a permanent break and move out of the apartment we lived in together. Just last week, my ex was promising to help with all elements of the move: arranging movers/truck, paying for the costs, helping me with security deposits, etc. Two days later, he has completely disappeared. I haven't heard from him in days and he will not respond to texts or emails. I'm now moving in a week and two days and am now stuck paying for all the fees myself.

My first question is this normal with someone with BPD to dip out like this? I understand this is emotionally hard (for both of us!), but to promise so much assistance and then back out at the last minute is so surprising. Is there anything I can do to have him respond to me? Should I just expect that he has disappeared?

Thanks for any assistance you can give!

What are you going to do with his belongings?

Hi esquared41;


Yes, it does sound typical. I suspect that pwBPD don't have the same relationship to words, commitments, promises, and obligations that we do. We hang a lot of weight on "words that were said" or "things that were agreed to", because we, as fairly normal people, use words to communicate.

I think a pwBPD uses words (statements, messages, texts, promises, etc) to express feelings.

In the moment, back then, it's really possible that your ex-BF truly felt like a helpful person who would do an even split of costs. Now, he may be feeling like you are the problem and he's not at fault. So, the words he said back then, to express his feelings of "I'm a helpful, fair person", don't count any more, because the words may not have been intended to communicate his intentions. Now, his inner feelings are what matter, and his inner feelings are different than they were.

...

Given that his actions are based on his internal feelings, and only he can manage his internal feelings, it's difficult to predict whether there's a tactic to "make" him respond to you.

One stance I started to take with my husband's kids' mom is to always plan out what I need to do in a way that needs no input from her to proceed. I.e., I craft every email/text message to not require an answer from her in order for me to move forward.

With "normal" people, you could say stuff like "Hey, does it work for me to pick up the kids at 1pm next Thursday?" and you'd get a reply back soon. With the kids' mom, she stonewalls, delays, foot-drags, etc -- lots of covert aggression. So I have to recraft my messages in order to do what I need to do in life. With that example, I'd say instead: "Hey, does it work for your schedule if I pick up the kids at 1pm next Thursday? If I don't hear back from you by 1pm Sunday, I'll assume we're good to go!"

See how even if she doesn't reply, I still get to plan? Can't recommend that technique enough.

...

Side question, do you guys have any kids together?

...

Hope that helps;

kells76

This is incredibly helpful, thank you so much! I think this sounds accurate to the situation and while it feels incredibly unfair, it doesn't sound like there's much more I can do at this point.

Very fortunately we do not have kids together!

He has packed up most of his belongings, but there is still his furniture he's taking and his toolbox that has to have hundreds of dollars of tools in it. Eventually he will have to retrieve those things himself, although at this point I am afraid to say I don't even know if he will? He's been hospitalized before, so unfortunately sometimes my mind jumps to the worst case scenario.