BPDFamily.com

Hello Group,

It is nice to be here in this chat group again - I was here several years ago, and it helped. Now, I need some fresh advice / feedback regarding my upcoming court hearing.

About me: I am originally from the U.S. (42 years old). My undiagnosed covert narcissist / possibly border ex-wife lives in Switzerland. I current live in Germany. I visit my children twice a month with very limited contact to them (only 2 hours supervised at a social services center). The reason for this was because her in-laws falsely accused me of physically being aggressive towards my son, and that I was sexually inappropriate with my own daughter. My children are 3 and 5. They love me and are connected to me. I was always the one pulling the weight in the house when my ex would rage with her anger, throw the coffee pot at me, our family laptop, scratch me, kick me in the groin and twist them, slap me, make me bleed. Of course as often the case by men in these situations, it is often the case that the verbal and emotional abuse is much worse. I never lost my shi* and I never once hit her.

But apparently, the court system and judge in the country does not seem to be taking my evidence of abuse seriously, or the dynamics of my legal system. I had an attorney, but she has not been helpful, especially when I had to report evidence of a lack of safety of my children in the back of the car with their car seats. It has also been a challenge with my former attorney because I do not speak French proficiently. I have been getting a translator though in court.

My ex is now engaging in "cultural abuse" and taking advantage of the fact that I do not speak proficient French, even though I understand my children in French, and they also know enough English with me for us to effectively communicate and play together.

A long story, but this is my main topic for discussion: In Switzerland, about 2 1/2 years ago, I finally went to the police with about 30 pictures of evidence of her abuse, and they gave me the option to press charges. I still can press charges, but I am conflicted, and here is precisely why:

I wrote a book of about 360 pages detailing abuse against men - I keep my ex anonymous, and it is more vague storytelling in proetry and prose that addresses the topic of intimate partner abuse (in about 10% of the book). I will be publishing this book officially next year. Because my ex is so vindictive and now tries to punish me from a distance, I am considering pressing charges against her so at least this is on record, and that I am not later accused of defamation of character in court, or something along these lines. All these stories are deeply personal and true. I wrote this book for many reasons, but a big reason is to also address "abuse against men," and if it can also be another book in this genre, that it can help others go through the grieving process, to relate to and to heal as victims of intimate partner abuse.

Any thoughts or experience with legal situations similar to this would be appreciated. I am not considering this to hurt her, but to keep the record straight. I have already suffered significant losses to access to my children and this divorce, so I want to protect myself. She is highly-functioning and intelligent, and I can easily imagine her later retaliating in some way if I don't set the record straight with pressing charges. The family court does not seem to care about her abuse against me. There has already been financial abuse in the thousands since I had to leave here because her domestic violence and her mental health issues were getting so bad.

Also, an important detail, she is on partial disability with the state, so in terms of working in the future, I don't see her pursuing this responsibly. She is really a sponge on the state, and does not have the pressure to find work at least in the near future. She does need this disability insurance legitimately though, but at least in her situation, she is just "being Mom" and having all expenses paid for by the state until I officially start working again, and I can subsidize their household expenses with child support.

Greetings from Germany,

Chili Pepper

Thanks in advance!

You’ve clearly articulated the upside of pressing charges against her. What would be the downside?