BPDFamily.com

A lot of us here seemed to notice something wasn't quite right with our partners.

The first time I noticed she was 100% different to me was when she got upset during a disagreement, she just looked at me blankly, wide eyed, tearing up, she nodded at me, turned around and walked off as I pleaded to understand what's going on. "We'll be ok." that's all she said, she looked overwhelmed. She wasn't who she was an hour ago. I remember being in shock walking back to my apartment. I justified this as just another quirk of hers, but I didn't forget it, I knew it was in there but didn't want to see it again... what if there's a time where it wasn't ok? Nah, put a pin in that thought. She's being nice again, we're good, just like she said we would... I'd say to myself "I need to STOP being so INSECURE".

Well, the time where came where this happened again and this time we weren't ok. I'd "failed" at the game... bad object. The "good time" didn't come to cancel out the pain of this like it did the other times. I was NOTHING and she showed me that. I still didn't believe it though, I waited in limbo, treated like crap, there was the occasional day where she seemed to "remember"; I lived for those moments. Most other days I was nothing, but she wouldn't let me go though, I was still her toy, I couldn't be anyone elses bad toy, she literally said to me "live and die by me". I laid in bed all day waiting for texts off of her. She'd text me at 1am "pick me up", no "please", just an order and I did it. STILL, I didn't believe it... "we were looking at houses and engagement rings" I'd tell myself, "she'll come around", "I just need to prove to her that I'm here for her". Where was the girl that made a nest of goldfish crackers on her hoodie whilst talking about our big plans and how she could never imagine us being apart? The girl that couldn't cope with me being away from her while I brush my teeth before bed... the girl I built all of my furniture with

Then she started hiding me as she took me into her apartment... "she didn't want to be judged by being seen with me"... "my room mates know we argued". We made our takeout we were eating in her car fit into a single box, we poured our drinks into a single cup, so that her roommates didn't suspect I'd been there. The whole time I'm thinking "I don't want her to feel judged". I spent the entire next day with her, she wasn't invited our with her friends, so I consoled her the entire day as she had a 12 hour episode. She asked me to list all of the reasons I loved her... I did. The next day I got a text saying we shouldn't see eachother anymore, and that she only needed me as a distraction.

Unbearable pain, I pushed her away hard. She blocked me everywhere.

I think it took 2 months of being blocked everywhere for me to actually accept that this really happened, I'm only just starting to understand that THIS WAS VERY BAD at 5 months out. And that she DID NOT experience the same thing as me, even in the good times.

I was in a trance the entire time. Every fear I had that she had this dark side to her and that one day it was going to undo me was true. At 3 months out I still had breakdowns believing that it was my fault and that I caused this, I was a failure, I felt unempathic, that I'd betrayed her, that she was the best thing that happened to me, she was the most beautiful person on earth and I was disgusting, you name it, I felt it. I had an inverted reality, everything was the opposite. I had projected HER as being an empathic and caring person and believed I was the one doing wrong.

This sounds like something from a horror story but it's real, the only way to describe this is to compare it to mythological beings, vampires, succubus, demons. They will inject faulty thoughts into your brain, and you won't be able to tell the difference between what's yours or theirs, or what's right and wrong anymore; THEY will tell you what's right and wrong.

I'm giving them a lot of power, of course this can only happen if you let it, "takes two to tango", but if she didn't block me I feel like I'd still be trapped. I see it as a gift now.