BPDFamily.com

Without going into an extended history, I’m convinced my wife has undiagnosed BPD. We had a whirlwind euphoric courtship, shared an uncanny background and similar family upbringing and faith and it seemed perfect. But not long after we married, I found myself walking on eggshells, doing what I could to avoid her wrath. She would blow up at me over minor issues and then act lovingly toward me a short time later while I was still scared and confused. Sometimes even trying to initiate sex while I was still hurt over some awful things she’d said to me only hours prior which infuriated her more because of the rejection and why couldn’t I just get over it?

Anyway this of course led to me shutting down, drinking too much, and taking extended time away from the family with my job because I didn’t know how else to cope. When I was home I was a shell of a person and admittedly was more of a burden than a help to the family.

After running our bank accounts down with her excessive credit card spending month after month I suggested we get separate bank accounts so I could at least ensure the bills are paid. At this point she lost it and suggested divorce. I obliged and got a lawyer as did she. In the interim my initial relief has faded and now I feel an immense sense of loss and grief. I sat down with her to deliver much of what I had in my head on paper, suggested we’d never really done any real work to fix the relationship and while we waited on the divorce proceedings to perhaps go to treatment together and make some real changes to try to improve things. She refused. She said she loves me but is no longer in love with me and is 100% done. She says it’s too little too late and just wanted love, affection, attention and that I was all about me and my career and she’s been miserable for years. I am absolutely gutted and don’t know what to do. Does this sound like BPD?  I know I made many mistakes in our relationship but this can’t be ALL my fault can it? I just don’t know how to live without her and don’t know what to do and it makes me angry that I feel this way especially since we were both so unhappy for so long. But somehow she’s moved on just fine and I’m left feeling like I’m dying.

Welcome Navy_flyer.  Even if it isn't BPD there definitely seems to be some disordered thinking at play here in your relationship (r/s) with your soon to be ex.  My best advice is to check out and post on the "Conflicted about Continuing/Divorcing..." board which I'll link to here.  You might get some good responses there.

Good luck.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0

So very sorry to read your story. Sounds to me like she’s discarding you which points to narcissism, but I’m no expert. And yes, to her it makes absolute, perfect sense that it’s ALL your fault.

I found a book called The Betrayal Bond that explains the dynamics of these kinds of relationships very well. It’s well worth a read.

Thank you for the reply and I’ll check it out, but given what she said, this is ending and she is 100% done. Unfortunately we’re past me even having a choice to continue the marriage.

Thank you. I’ll buy and read it ASAP!

welcome NF -

You've taken a good step in posting.    This community can help as we all share our experiences and strategies for handling difficult break ups.


BPD is an illness that exists on a spectrum.   some people who suffer from the illness can have mild traits or mild symptoms that wouldn't necessarily reach the stage of 'diagnosable'.   many of our partners are at this level.   other people are lower functioning and clearly struggling on a daily basis.

the one thing they have in common is both high functioning and low functioning BPD have trouble maintaining healthy relationships.    pwBPD (people with BPD) tend to have high conflict relationships, with a lot of push / pull and black and white thinking.    You are always mean to me.    You never loved me.   I never get what I want.    I always have to do everything.

obviously, there are lots of other reasons to have trouble maintaining healthy relationships.    emotional immaturity.  poor relationship skills.    poor communications skills.    other mental illness.   addictions.

what BPD relationships have in common (broadly speaking) is highly intense emotional connections.    large amounts of conflict over seemingly nothing.   unrealistic demands and expectations.   rapid and baffling mood swings.   I love you leave me alone,   I hate you don't leave me, type messages.    Blame shifting.

none of us here are professionals, so we can't say with certainty if someone has BPD or the traits of it.   we can say if we have had similar experiences.   do you feel up to providing more details?

Ad Meliora mentioned the Divorcing board.

you can find practical tips and advice on how to manage a divorce from a pwBPD there.    often divorce becomes high conflict, extremely emotional and very difficult to organize.   pwBPD believe that feelings equal facts and that the feeling or the emotion of the moment is totally accurate and will last forever.  until the next emotion appears.    this can make walking through a complex process very difficult.

hope this helps.
'ducks

First of all, welcome.

Second of all, wow. I am so sorry to read of this. As I read, I have this image of a man giving every last piece - money, physical health, mental health - of himself for something he promised to be (a good husband) and still be told "it's not enough".

On paper, your story reads like a carbon copy of mine. Finances, and my desire to fix them, was the straw that broke it all. And no, none of it was her fault.

So what to do? 

I'd say first to be tuned into that tremendous hook of "give more - it's not enough" - the push pull that is so characteristic of these relationships.  That kind of habit worms into our thought processes, attaches itself to where we feel weakest (especially if we are prone to being co-dependant) and that tape does not stop playing even after the relationship.

For, CBT did the trick. That an persistent effort. This site has been a godsend for me, because persistent effort takes energy and when I was feeling low, I could come here and get the affirmations from people who have been there.

So - my addition to this thread isn't the whole solution. And you've got some great input already. My add - tough as it can be (at least for me) - be kind to yourself as best as possible.  Give your body a chance to catch up with your mind as you work on your thoughts.

Hang in there.  As someone told me really early on, "Even if it doesn't feel like it right now, it does get better."

Rev