BPDFamily.com

Hey fellow board residents,

Thanksgiving can have ups and downs when we're "conflicted" or dealing with separated family structures. Open thread to share how things are going for y'all...

I'll start it off -- I'm grateful we saw the kids a bit today and hopefully will this weekend, too; their mom's thoughtless attempts at manipulation haven't been completely effective (only sort of  :( )

Grateful both of the kids have solid non-Internet and non-mainstream culture hobbies (SD13 volunteers at an animal shelter & SD15 is getting into flying planes).

Grateful that after all these years, the budget isn't so tight.

Stressed about negotiating Saturday plans with my FOO -- old dynamics at play may mean that if I stand up for myself and don't agree to something they want, we might not be allowed to go.

Grateful for my adorable 10 month old niece, hope to see her this weekend.

Mixed bag -- isn't that how our lives really are.

Hugs to all of you out there who, like us, won't be with the kids tomorrow. I hope to find a silver lining by enjoying alone time at home.

kells76

Definitely a mixed bag, kells.

I know the dynamics of experiencing retaliation for standing up for yourself within your FOO and the anxiety surrounding that :(

I'm grateful for being off work and getting to spend the day with S-almost-6 and D14. First Thanksgiving I have spent with D14 in 8 years.

I'm grateful we are moved into our new house, even if most everything is still packed and boxes are everywhere.

I'm grateful that the end of the semester is near because grad school is tough :)

I'm grateful that I have friends to share Thanksgiving with because my existing family relationships are strained, and my parents are no longer living.

I'm stressed about figuring out when to visit my ex MIL (S5's grandma) because I don't want my ubpdxh popping up unannounced while we're there. He's notorious for not making plans for holidays or holiday weekends and then spontaneously deciding to show up.

What a difference a year makes...

One year ago during Thanksgiving week, my 94-year-old mother fell and broke her ankle, beginning a series of Covid-restricted hospitalizations and rehabs that ended in home hospice care. She died five months ago, and I miss her.

I learned so much during that time -- how strong I am, how important it is to ask for and receive help, how appreciative we need to be for nurses and caregivers.

I missed Thanksgiving and Christmas last year, both being emergency trips to the hospital. This year, we have only my husband, me, and our two adult sons. The extended family is scattered -- one entire group is in Chicago for a teen to be in the Chicago Thanksgiving Parade -- fun! Things will be casual, as we just finished a remodel and are moving "stuff" between rooms and closets -- what a mess, and I haven't started Christmas decorating.

I'm grateful for the quiet and lack of stress. I'm grateful I wax able to help both parents transition in home hospice, as they preferred. I'm grateful for clear blue skies and warm weather that allows for a Thanksgiving walk on the beach.

And a couple years of consistent application of principles learned on this site.

Today was a great day.  At one point we had 20ish people (including a foreign college student we hosted)...

FFw misplaced something right before people showed up...que 10 minutes of full on fury, door slamming...the usual. 

I didn't add fuel to the fire and it burned out.  30 min later you would never have know.

The old FF would have...well...you know...explained..corrected...drama...all that.

Best,

FF

Great idea Kells! Goodness, does BPD ever rear its ugly head during the holidays.
I am grateful that just as an extended conversation with my SO was heading over the cliff, I realized what was the probem and said "Oh, it's Thanksgiving, no wonder you're tripping".  Not meaning to be so blunt,  it just slipped out. And she was self-aware enough to breathe, calm down and start talking about the really thorny and intractable FOO issues troubling her, not to mention the true source of her CPTSD. I grabbed the opportunity to ask validating questions and we had a deep and meaningful conversation.
So far so good, we have both been working really hard in therapy and making progress. Here's hoping we can turn Christmas into another such opportunity :)

Thanks for asking. We were doing OK, both adult daughters came home, we were baking, watched a movie, then ubbdh was triggered by my youngest texting and working on her computer, and she gave him attention by bringing up controversial issues that trigger him further...end result, he kicked her out of the house. I didn't want her to have to leave. He seemed almost physically violent.

I'm reading these threads and wondering where I stand, honestly. Since he's not diagnosed, I haven't given this info to my daughters, but it's hard on them. I'm not even quite sure how to evaluate my situation.

I just wanted to write and say thanks for being there.

This Thanksgiving was much different than last year and much better for me than so many of the years before. Last year I had only been in my new house for 4 days when Thanksgiving came. So much adjustment after the divorce was final and then taking the plunge to settle and buy a house after having moved 5 times in 2 1/2 years.

Less drama, finding joy and safety, and being okay and happy that my adult D34 and her family (and my grandkids) could visit and stay with me, and they could also share time and visit with her dad where he lives, and I was free from being wrapped up in the drama that so often accompanied the holiday in the past.

I'm thankful for the good progress I've made this past year.

Wools

I had nowhere else to go so I went over to the ex laws. Just grandparents, my ex, the kids' aunt and their little cousin who is a nice kid but I bit of a mommas boy at 7. I cringed when his mom was literally spoon feeding him, but I held my tongue, not my house (his dad lives in another state). Honestly, we both forgot who had the kids this holiday, but since we had nowhere to go... I did Thanksgiving with the 3 of us 5 years ago, but it was only steamed broccoli and a baked turkey breast given their palettes. Stuffing, gravey and mashed potatoes for me,
and steamed Brussel sprouts. Though S11 now likes baked potatoes, not mashed.

They ate ham, turkey and green beans, a little asparagus, and S11 tried the mashed potatoes, so they're better (no spoon feeding).

It was low key. They put on the movie Red Notice, after Home Alone X, not what I'd choose for kids. S11 relaxed with me on the couch to watch it.

Mommy made a comment at the end to S11, "it was great to see you even if you spent most of your time with Daddy." We were literally in the same room... I should have called her out on that, but not in front of the kids. We got 1.5 days worth of homemade tamales as a parting gift. Still the best I've ever had. Chile verde, quesó (cheese), and chicken with molé wrapped in banana leaves.

So though I could have done it at my home no problem, I was thankful for a place to go that the kids could spend time with family.

Turkish...any success with vegetables (especially green!) at that age is an accomplishment.

Relaxed is good.

D9 recently came back as iron deficient (though not anemic) She likes steamed carrots and broccoli, but those aren't iron rich. It's a struggle.

The chaos in my home this year was less now that my son aged out of the family court system.  Still, my son had stress before the holidays.  My ex was triggered by my son neglecting some things in recent months.  While this time my son commented she didn't say she would disown him, she was so upset she said she would stop talking to him.  Later her told me she calmed down a little later - and she acted like her blow-up had never happened.  Sure, it was over surprisingly quick, but meanwhile he had been whipsawed emotionally.


It takes time for us grow more knowledgeable and less unsure about these acting-out PDs.  A few observations...

Most of us never got a diagnosis for our misbehaving person.  Family courts and (it seems) most professionals in the court system ignore seeking or offering a diagnosis.  Courts instead focus on dealing with the poor behaviors.  We would do well to do likewise, address the behaviors.

Second, your daughters are grown and live elsewhere.  Just like you, they will likely appreciate understanding what they're dealing with.  While you probably can't just dump all you've learned on them, you can begin sharing with them.  (If they were younger and still minors we would recommend you share information on an age-appropriate basis.)

Lastly, this site is not for your problem spouse.  You have a right and a need to have confidential resources.  This site is for those who need help to deal with the problem persons.  Your daughters, on the other hand, certainly qualify if they want to join.  They can be helped with what you're learning, especially learning that they're not alone in their suffering, there is an explanation for these distressing behaviors, and there are a large number of tools and skills (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329744.0) to aid us in navigating contact with acting-out people.

Within the span of five days, the whole house vacuum abruptly quit working, as did the microwave and dishwasher. Thank goodness for Black Friday!

Hubby was grumpy as he feels estranged from his sisters, not by choice, and this has been a chronic theme for years. To be fair, it seems the whole lot of them have personality disorders, but he’s the “identified patient” of the family.

I have no family as all are dead. I do have a cousin on my mother’s side, but we never got along even as kids. And my dad was estranged from his family.

It’s kinda freeing. Nobody has any outmoded concepts of me from years past. It’s one way of erasing personal history.  lol