BPDFamily.com

Well the holiday season is officially upon us... and it's also officially my least favorite season due to how family get togethers (with my family) trigger my uBPDw.  

We had a good Thanksgiving Day- and actually had turkey dinner with both my wife's family and my family.  After we got home, my wife exclaimed that it was a long day visiting both families and sometimes she just wants to relax...  then she asked me what the plans for Christmas were... (with the tone of dread in her voice about having to spend it with my family that is visiting from out of town).  

What are some ways you have found to make the holiday planning less tense?  After-all, according to Andy Williams it's the "Most wonderful time of the year".

Good idea for a topic.

For Thanksgiving and Xmas, we stay home for one and visit relatives for the other. This cuts the stress in half. For the holiday that we visit relatives, we set aside time apart from the relatives and to ourselves so we're not socially overwhelmed. It also gives us a chance to catch up and relax.

For Xmas, we opted out of exchanging gifts. Maybe just a white elephant gift exchange. This cuts out the emotional and financial stress.

I feel like there's a huge December bump in activity on this forum (my own case hit critical mass a few Decembers ago, when I registered here); definitely caretakers of BPD notice that Christmas is an INSANE time, likely often due to the "Splitting" inherent in the holiday. Everybody is promised a Dickensian paradise, everybody gets a sh** sandwich of family politicking, disappointment and feigned merriment...healthy people shrug it off as part of the annual experience of a depressing holiday...BPD people freak out, because they were promised PURE GOOD and feel they've received PURE EVIL.

From experience I can say that, as difficult as it is being a man who naturally wants to solve and resolve issues, December should just be treated as a no-go zone. Don't try to point out the illogical attitudes, don't try to get your loved one into a rare "lucid" phase, don't try to make ultimatums or talk divorce or anything else...wait until after January 1 when they're into their micawberish optimism of January 1-January 15 when they truly believe they're turning over a new leaf and keeping their NY resolutions, lol...they'll be in a much better headspace. Ideally, AFTER you've removed the tree and decorations so their thinking isn't "how dare you raise this in the XMas season?", but before their zeal for their NY resolutions has waned.

You've got a 5-6 day window in January to address problems growing since November while avoiding the thrashing, the punching, the smashing of objects...God help ya. :)

Hi Mitten,
As you know, I’m new to the caretaking recovery journey. So I don’t have any advice but I’m looking to this Christmas with an open mind, preparing for what may be and how I might handle things differently and better than I have in the past. For us, it’s not much about family of origin. This is sadly because my wife flat out pretty much refuses to see them. We’re supposed to be taking the kids up to see my parents on Sunday to drop off presents and I’ll be happy if that happens. I am generally sad about this of course. The hypocrisy of bpd.. when I met my wife I was still with my ex and I expressed to her that I found it sad that he had never agreed to spend Christmas with my parents. And she said, “I’d like to spend Christmas with you and your parents”. Our first Christmas together, she said, “I just want it to be us.” And since then it’s now, “Christmas should be spent with family you live with. No one ever came to our house on Christmas Day.”
My biggest problem with Christmas is that my wife idealises it and calls herself a massive Christmas fan and wants everything to be perfect. So of course I always get accused of “ruining everything” within the first couple of hours or even the day before. Then of course, there are all the terrible decisions I made when buying presents for her, from me and the kids.. In fact, if I get her 100 amazing gifts and 1 rubbish gift… it ruins the day.
I’m spending lots of time making her a special display box of family photos. I know she will hate it, and possibly destroy it. But I am enjoying the process. And I’m already like, if she destroys it then I can make an even better one with the kids in future, having been through the experience already. It’s nice that photos are digital these days isn’t it! My wife is not upsetting me so much since I’ve reached this new level of understanding bpd and my role in the “dysfunctional dance” as they call it.
I am sad about the family of origin thing though. My parents are 20 years older than hers, and when it comes to the terrible time of one of them being on their own, I can’t conceive of not reaching out to them and inviting or visiting them at Christmas. My Granny lived alone for the last 20 years of her life, and she always came for Christmas when I was a child and I loved it. I will certainly be asking for advice on here if I ever have to face that.

Oh and I also wanted to mention.. that there is a narrow window of opportunity between when she takes the baby up to bed, and I bring the toddler up to her… and that is when I’m working on my secret photo project present. That is because she is never out of the house without me! She has to know nothing about it. Because if she had any small inkling that I was attempting to create a lovely surprise… then her disappointment would be so much greater, given that her expectations would be so much greater. The biggest problem really is that she wants her gift to be a tropical, luxury, romantic holiday to the Bahamas or Maldives or something… but she knows I’m broke and that’s because she spends all my money and more!

I love that you were able to agree on a schedule for your holidays.  This takes a lot of the grey area out of what is happening this year or having to make plans. 

Also, white elephants gift exchange is a great idea.  Lately my wife and I have been just doing a larger gift that we want together- like a new TV, espresso maker, etc.  This way we agree on a gift and there isn't room for disappointment.  We do nice stockings as well so we have some surprises/thoughtfulness. 

Isn't that the truth!  The new year can't get here fast enough.  Such a shame it is this way...

The biggest trigger for my uBPDw is my family making her uncomfortable.  So I'm with you on this and I have a long way to go to improve, although it sounds like you really let her control your contact with them to an extreme.  How can we help you change this!  Family is everything! 

I have been doing some boundary-setting around clutter that has been fairly successful. 

I believe my wife is a Waif subtype, and believes she can't deal with any of the clutter herself.  She has blamed me for the clutter - even though it is her stuff. She says she doesn't have time or energy,  yet I do the vast majority of the chores (kids to bed and on the bus, meals, dishes, laundry, sweeping/mopping, pet care, etc). 

It has been mentally draining on me - to set the limits, and enforcing them.

I have decided to not set any limits around existing clutter over the holiday.  I believe I could use the break - in the midst of holiday things.  I have made it clear that new clutter will not be tolerated.

I am second-guessing that decision, because my wife was dealing with things that had been languishing for years, even over a decade in some cases.

Mitten, I would appreciate any help you can give me. I have been working up improving things round here but this one is very difficult. I’ll try to give a brief history though I’m not great at keeping things brief..
2014 - 2019 from when we first met, my wife would think up excuses, either in advance or last minute, to avoid seeing my family. She was particularly jealous of my sister in law being pregnant. Occasionally she would just refuse to get out of bed when we were due to see my family. If I went alone she constantly texted me. She says they don’t pay her any attention etc.
2019 our first child was born. My wife has lots of difficulty breast feeding and found that being away from baby, even in a car journey, also disruptive routine, caused serious milk problems. Only saw my parents a couple of times in first 6 months. She managed to see her parents and sisters lots more, though they are closer in travel time.
2020 well you know the story of 2020… Both our fathers are clinically vulnerable though hers is 20 years younger than mine. We didn’t see anyone, to protect them from the possibility of covid. My wife at the time thought she wasn’t getting vaccinated due to fertility and breast feeding issues, but has since changed her mind. She still FaceTimed family lots though but didn’t want me to as “it’s our time together when you’re not working..” At the time I didn’t feel strong enough to fight her but have recently started regular video calls. Towards the end of 2020, her parents started visiting regularly because our eldest had to get to know them so they could care for her when our youngest arrived in 2021.
2021 our second baby was born, she was very sick and in nicu for two weeks. She has ongoing health concerns. My wife had post natal depression and was jealous that everyone was worried about the baby and not her. She refused to see all family for three months including her own. In the summer her family came round several times. My parents made it once as my dad is too sick to travel. My brother was not able to arrange a good date with my wife. He and his son  have never met either of my children.
This past week we finally visited my parents with both kids, with the support of the good people in bpd family forum (first time ever). But we did establish in my post “I want my children to see my parents” that my wife had the control here. The eldest isn’t breast feeding dependent anymore but if I insisted I was taking her anywhere against my wife’s wishes, I am fairly certain my wife would physically stop me.
In the near future we are going to be moving away for financial reasons. We can’t afford the renovations our home needs and are in debt so have to buy mortgage free in a new area nectar we can’t get a mortgage. It is much further from both families, but I just wanted to do the 1.5 journey once to see my folks so that 5.5 hours seems more achievable in future. But not sure when we are moving…
I appreciate any thoughts or advice you have for me.

It's so mentally draining.  I think part of it is that how we have to treat the person with BPD is so counterintuitive, that it's completely tiring for our brains to always be on guard.  Early on when I discovered BPD I was like a sponge trying to soak up all the knowledge from books, including the Walking on Eggshells workbook.  My brain finally got overwhelmed and I needed to take a break from absorbing anymore info on BPD. 

Christmas Eve is just a week away!  We just had the official "talk" this week about how we were going to balance both sides of the family.  I hate the feeling, so tense as I feel her sense of dread about seeing my family...  all the resistance to it is tiring.  Anyone have any good stories about planning holiday events with your BPD partner? 

Well here we go!  It's the Eve of Christmas Eve.  My uBPDw is already making comments like... "you get both Christmas Eve and Christmas with your family this year..."  For context, my brother and his family, whom she hasn't seen since July is coming for 4 days and staying with my parents.  So we're going over to greet them at my parents house on Christmas Eve for lunch, and then we'll return to our home for Christmas Eve dinner and some other traditions we started.  On Christmas Day it will just be us at home until about 4, when we go back over to see my family.  We'll celebrate with my wife's family the day after Christmas (which is when they were available). 

My brother is the biggest trigger of my wife's BPD.  She lost her parents at a young age so she is super close to her siblings and very protective of them.  In-laws are a threat to her... When she is making comments like "you get both Christmas Eve and Christmas with your family this year... "  is it fair for me to say something like "I know having in-laws is hard for you".   I know you're not supposed to say "you"... but is it worth pointing out the pattern?