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Got my Baptism of fire. I met my BPD-ex for the first time we broke up. I tried to avoid her for a long time, she lives 2 blocks away and in a small town. Went to the grocery store, had to, at a moment she I knew it was possible to run in to her after work. There she was, as ever my heart beat stops and stand next to eachother. Asked her how she was doing, she told me things were ok. Had a chit chat about her new house she was so happy with. She talked about a lamp we bought together a year ago and had to pick up somewhere 200 miles away.  She talked about her house and I had to get some coffee to come see it. I refused because I thought it was not wise...

3 years ago we met at the same grocery store... We both were in different line of checkout, we looked at each other and flames and butterflies were verywhere, we talked alot about that moment. it looked like heaven.  This time we stood at the same different lines and we again, looked to eachother the same way, again our eyes crossed. She has a realy nice twinkle in her eyes, called her twinkle-eyes every time I saw her... This moment took me back in the past, she did look to me... but it hit me, I want her again!

We both took our bikes and biked together back home. Talked again: During our relation I had a girlfriend I talked to regurlarly, she had a problem with it, but realy nothing was going on between us, explained that a lot, just a friend. She directly asked me how my friend (by name) was doing... I told her she was just a friend.
So, you are seeing no one at this moment she asked ? I said no, my destany was you...

I asked her how her new boyfriend was. She asked very suprised how I knew about him ( she told me at break up she slept with him and was going 100% for him so how should I know about his existance? Why did she forget this? (my friends say she is sneaky and she told no one I she had a 3 year relation with me so maybe she does it again with this guy, assuming she never told me) . She told nothing about her relation with him this time, only the fact the guy was not a lot at her place at the weekendsn ( she is at his place all the time some 50 miles away)... I told her I was glad for her everything was ok and was looking good. She replied to thank me but life was bloody serious... (she was looking tired).

And now? I wonder what was my feeling telling me. Yes, it was nice to see her and speak again, we had a nice time the first year we were together. In about 2 minutes of talking I had some feeling in my guts it was weird. Most importantly I wonder what the feeling was: is it still true love from my side, is it my codependent behaviour I see a woman ( or a girl, she is 45)who needs my help or is it my fear and pain to be alone? Or is it the same thought I can change her and somewhere down the road it all will be ok?

In my head is a constant thought I have to be with her, my luck and happiness is only with her. But is it? Deep inside I don't think its true, but somthing tells me to try it. I know it will give me the same doubts, worrying and asking myself whats going on. The other fact is she has a relationship so I she doesn't want me at all. Why do I think she will come back?

Does someone relate the feeling, thoughts and doubts?

PS: suppose she comes back ( my therapist is sure she will) my kids kill me bc they saw what she did with me twice... Reason enough to forget about her, but I can't.

Just curious... got a email today from my ex. It was a reply on a reply of her from the 9th of June to wish me a happy birthday today and a lovely day. It was a sudden message and did not expect it at all after our short conversation last month.

Her first reply on the 9th was a ❤. And now she replies on this email. My best friend tells me this is a charm attempt because she could whattsapp me ( at break up I asked her to delete my number, she refused)  or reply on my original email. I have to say I did not like this email and my friend warnes me this is a short message to see if and how I react or to confuse me she made work to search for this particular email. I delete the email without reply of course, but I scared the heart out of my chest. I really did not expect this and it feels like a infringement of my privacy... I am scared, bc I am.not ready for this...

Hey Erf,

If you did get back together, what makes you think the outcome would be different?

A lot of us have recycled, including me, only to wind up in the same place, except farther down the line and with more pain.

LuckyJim

"In my head is a constant thought I have to be with her, my luck and happiness is only with her. But is it? Deep inside I don't think its true, but somthing tells me to try it. I know it will give me the same doubts, worrying and asking myself whats going on. The other fact is she has a relationship so I she doesn't want me at all. Why do I think she will come back?"

Short Answer:
Your luck and happiness is not only with her. You are making the right decision. If she had a secret relationship on the side for 3 years, its a sign she's manipulative.
Its great to get laid, but eventually she'll do the same thing to you.
 When they get frustrated in a relationship, many will lash out at their partner, and then run to someone else for idealization. The partner tries to communicate more & put in more effort, while they're bitching about you to the other guy. They deserve love, but their symptoms make it exceedingly hard sometimes.
 After all, for a fair number of non-self aware BPDs, a caretaker is what they need most. The greatest thing about intimacy is also having some security with that person.
I'm not an expert, but my guess is a new relationship is going to be a lot of fun at first and then devolve into old patterns. Talking to a shrink can help with some of this stuff. It definitely helped me and my relationship to a pwBPD was 4 months.

Hi! thx for the answer. We recycled last year in 2020 whe she first was gone with a whealty dude without telling me. When she came back I had some serious doubts about her and told her that. She went really hysteric but from that moment she held me as a caretaker as you mentioned and was unreachable as a partner but she stayed around (FWB) and a sort of idealising and pushing away phase started. I loved the moments of kindness, I hated the moments af devaluation (which started in 2018). Our break up was a soft one, I still hoped she would stay because I loved her but I knew she was seeing someone else (and some flings before) for about 5 months whitout telling me.
I know a new start is not an option because I know it will not end good and will be the same as before. But I know this email is a pop-up to let me know she is still around. And I feel sorry for her because probably her new love is not the one, which she already told me when we broke up. I do see a therapist for codenpendency and emotional block to myself. I just started a programm to improve myself, I make progress but with little steps. I know her way of behaviour and thats where I scared for. I am not ready for her charming way of reaching out to me and most of all: her pathetic stories and tears ( always the tears weaken me). So, I know she is not good for me, I know a new start is not an option bc I don't want it but somewhere I want to know how things will work bc I have a huge weak-spot for her.