BPDFamily.com

Well finally received some contact: a response to an email I sent, very simple: I would like to grab some belongings from the house preferably if you aren’t home…responded hours later with’its your rental too, you don’t have to email me’. All the things come to find that I know I’ll never hear such as ‘sorry for calling the police’ ‘are you okay?’ I’m definitely blocked on her phone. At home she had separated out stuff in the kitchen and labeled the cabinets. All is fine by me and I hope she moves soon. I’m going to keep my distance and continue staying at a friends. I really don’t want to be around her bringing home men or any of that. I know she doesn’t care about me or my feelings so I don’t expect her to make decisions that are compassionate, considerate. I looked back at photos of the beginning of the year and gifts and presentations of gifts I did for her. I see me changing from so hopeful, bright, believing and giving to just losing myself. I became a codependent caregiver always reaching out for that moment of ‘I love you, come here let me make it all okay’ but it was never that, my needs or feelings were not important to her. When she wanted to hold me it was for her not me. I started coming unglued: drinking when I used to never, self destructive behavior. I see now how easily I could have gone completely broke financially while her savings account grew. Never coming home to: ‘hey I cooked for us…’  Everything for her and I was part of what made it that way. As I untangle myself…I pass the ice skating rink where I would have loved for us to go but in truth she probably wouldn’t have. I wish her best and yes I am a bit sad but when I find myself sad I feel I’m sad for memories I never really had nor would have. I really wanted to believe I could have done this with her but I am realizing I have too much to give this world to be caught up as just one person’s caretaker. I went to a guitar lesson (I teach) and had a great time and just couldn’t help but think how my pwBPD almost took it all away from me with that call to the police, with the gross false allegations. I don’t care what people think so who knows how far her smear campaign went but she doesn’t keep many friends and we didn’t have any mutual friends. Sad a bit yes, but much more so relieved. Relieved that tomorrow may one day hold a beautiful and loving partner whom I don’t have to worry about: is this the month she is back on tinder? And all the little dogs with slowly started killing my self confidence. I do wonder if she is expecting me to try and pull it back, ask for another chance, etc. Again we still live together but her current state seems like : divide, divide, divide… is calling the police the ultimate attempt of push away out of fear that I would one day abandon her and then the call/text blocking the resulting shame she feels for her actions? I don’t know. I have learned a lot and been through a lot, hopefully tonite I get better sleep.