BPDFamily.com

Hi all, this is something I’ve had to deal with in the past, I won’t have to so much this year because I am still mostly teaching online. My wife was always jealous when I got Christmas cards and presents from my students, and over the years the control got so great that she told me she didn’t want them up in the house and that I was to throw them away. This saddened me greatly, especially as some of them wrote nice notes about how they love their piano lessons and of course these were the ones she hated the most. I didn’t get cards last year as all lessons were online, and this year I still only see a couple of students in person. But yesterday I got my first Christmas card from one of them. I haven’t opened it but just wondered, how should I handle it? It’s true, she doesn’t get any cards from anyone except a few from family. She likes it sometimes when my students put her name in the cards, but they usually don’t because they don’t know her. If our eldest daughter starts pre-school now we’re not moving, then she may get Christmas cards. I think we discussed it last year and my wife said, the children can display their cards, but I can’t. My memory is hazy on this though.

One rule is- don't validate what isn't valid. Not that her feelings of jealousy about the cards isn't real to her, but really- does this make any sense to you?

It's a common courtesy to thank a teacher and a card is appropriate. Cards can also be impersonal or personal- from businesses or friends/family. But that's mainly what they are for: thank you for your friendship, business, and greetings of the season.

It's your card to do what you wish with it.

This is about boundaries. A couple is both a couple and also individuals. People with BPD tend to have poor boundaries and so do their partners. In the workplace, there needs to be boundaries as well. The head of an office I worked at once had a boundary-  he would not accept Christmas gifts from his employees- I think that was a good one- but cards were OK- they are just cards. I give a small gift to my co-workers like a box of chocolate. One of them gives everyone a plant. My husband also exchanges small items with people at his work- and cards.

I think it's pretty much accepted that a Christmas card, or small modest gift,  is appropriate and doesn't violate any relationships. You know this too. The important thing is for you to hold on to this reality no matter what feelings are expressed by your wife. Don't JADE. It's just a card.

It's obvious you wish to put these up.

Can you give us three locations in your house that seem appropriate.  From that we can likely advise you, especially about how to "present" what you have done.

Hint:  The smaller deal you make of this...it will likely be matched by your pwBPD.

Best,

FF

I think I would handle such things better if they happened now for the first time. It’s just we’re in some very strange habits (this particular thing not so much because of covid.. by the time I’m getting many cards again… several years will have passed).
Still we are only talking about a couple of cards this year. We do not have many places to display them in our house. We are half packed up as we thought we were moving, and have also given away some furniture. They used to go on the shelf above our gas fire, but usually we put family cards there and other people’s on the cabinet now gone or hanging on a string on the wall (maybe could bring such a thing back as we’re now unpacking a bit). Kitchen window sill is quite central and Christmas ornament display but it is me that does most of the washing up. Most window sills have nothing on as toddler grabs everything. We have a cabinet in the dining room where we already packed everything so there’s nothing on it. It’s the room I teach in though my wife doesn’t like the fact it’s “my” room. It was full of boxes and junk but were now making it nice for Christmas (may unpack some ornaments). We’ve worked hard today to tidy and clean up as we have a photographer coming round tomorrow - house going back on the market! I know what you meant about not making a big deal. My wife has a rash from the hot tub (which I don’t have) and was accusing me of not being sympathetic. It’s hard to even put my finger on what I’m doing or saying differently… it’s hard to follow all these little rules we have. But I must be doing something right. She’s dropping such matters much more easily when I don’t buy into the drama.

But I must be doing something right. She’s dropping such matters much more easily when I don’t buy into the drama.

Yes, you need to be the anchor in the emotional waves. She feels what she feels ( and in the moment, these feelings are very real to her) but you don't have to feel the feelings too, or react to them. Feelings also don't last- they may be intense in the moment but the feeling can pass like a wave.

Boundaries are key here. You two are a couple but you are both individuals with feelings of your own. Hers are hers, yours are yours. Our personal boundaries involve deciding "what is me, what isn't me".  We can only control ourselves. When you stay focused on what are your feelings - while letting her deal with hers, and don't buy into them- the feeling passes.

Are any cards displayed right now?

I'm wondering if a general question like..."Hey...since we are kinda set up different than last Chrsitmas..I'm interested in your thoughts on best place to display Christmas cards."

If she shoots back with "family" or "friends"...say "both".

This is your chance to "listen".

Let us know what she says and we can guide you.

You've got this...keep it simple.

Best,

FF