BPDFamily.com

Damn some days. When you are looking back at the situation that lead to the split and you think, “ god she had it all wrong and it’s all not that big of deal. We just needed to talk it out’ I think I said it before: I’m addicted to hope, been relying on it all year. I realized a lot of the feelings I am feeling are not necessarily new brought on by the break up. It’s the same anxiety, worry, paranoia, fear and want for her to come hold me and make me feel it’s all gonna be alright. I drive to old familiar places and I’m not struck by the memories of us in that place but memories of me somewhere talking to a friend while going through one of the countless downturns. Standing alone wondering what’s wrong with my relationship when I love her so much.
 So I went to the vet today as the dog had a tick burrow into his neck. I had to wait 3 hours as he needed to be sedated. I couldn’t help but think that she would want to know that my dog was sick, she has been with him since he was four months old. All year he has adored and grown so close to her. He looks for her constantly, she and her dog. How could she not be missing him, not missing us. And yet still I know it’s best to stop the cycles, best to get off the ride. That the future was not going to go easy and my Bpd gf happens to be the cop calling variety making it all so scary. I have to still move forward, I have to untangle, detach, break the enmeshment. I don’t see us in the future together. That vision started to die months ago. She was getting meaner. I saw the signs of the next upset but still was caught unaware. I read that pretty much by now my Bpd gf is so far gone from where we left off a week and a half ago that we are barely even a memory to her. What a real shame this disease is. Well I miss her tonight, I miss her a lot but I just gotta stay the course. I miss telling her I love her, miss kissing her, holding her, watching tv and making her popcorn and cookies. Well tomorrow will be another day and I take sleeping pills to push it along. Gotta stay the course though part of me wishes for…oh yeah, hope.

The emotional cut-off is cruel to us... sadly, I got to see her do the same thing to the guy she left me for, our kids' step-dad for a while, though he was "The One!" to her for a while. I felt sorry for the poor bastid. Cops, DV (both, but her more), him arrested...

Keep yourself safe. https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

"Addicted to hope" - interesting - I probably have the same addiction.
Its hard to look back and wonder what we could have done differently, what we could have said differently - but the thing is, the answer is nothing. It was never about us, its always about what is going on in their heads, in that world they live in. Sure, we might have prolonged the outcome, but we never could have changed it in the long run.


This is so important to realize. And its important to try and figure out where that comes from.
I have spent a good part of this year delving into my psyche and figuring out why I attract the same sorts of men, why I can't let go - and -surprise, surprise- it all goes back to childhood. I have spent my whole life repeating the same, familiar childhood patterns I grew up with. The lack of love, the neglect, the thinking "if only I love them harder they will love me back". Its terrifyingly obvious to me now. But at least I now understand where my issues come from, its just a matter of working on that.

I'm so glad you know this - I think a lot of people that come here are still stuck on "what can I do to fix this" instead of trying to heal and let go, as hard as that may be.

You got this

Thank you for your response and sharing your experiences with me. This morning the phone rang and it was her. I didn’t answer. I was hoping for a voicemail but nothing. I’m not going to respond, at least not soon if I do. It’s hard to know what to do at times. The hour ago she calls seems to
Have lasted 4 hours. As much as I wanted to answer I know it’s best to not. Hard to turn your back on someone you love but it didn’t seem that difficult for her. This is hard: letting go but a lifetime of this? I take everything as it comes. Try to be in the present. I’m not going to say a big part of me doesn’t wanna be with her still. It does but I ask myself: why repeat the cruelty? This person really could have messed up my life a lot worse but also took it pretty close to really bad. Every day feels a little better and every night I get better sleep. I think I’ll start there