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My 21 year old daughter is heavily involved with a 28 yr old man that was arrested in June 2020 on 2 counts of aggravated child molestation and operating a drug factory with 5 lbs of pot in his car.  She has her belongings at home but works with him doing food delivery services and they stay at his parents house.  It has been a few months and we still have yet to meet him and we have asked for his cell number and were told that he personally wants to give it to us.  It has been a rough few years with her.  This is her third relationship in 2 years.  She always ends up living with the "family" and immerses herself in their stuff.
We are just a spot to come when he has a supervised visit with one of his 2 daughters that are 2 years old both.  That is the only time we see her.  She is terrible at returning texts and calls and she has a history of depression/anxiety.  We have never talked to this man's parents and they have not reached out to us although our daughter is for all intents and purposes living there.  I have a 28 yr old son and 17 yr old daughter living home with my husband and I and we are so tired and feeling kind of done.

Hi CatLady63.
I can relate to the pain, anxiety and exhaustion that you must be experiencing at the moment.
My dd has just had a short relationship with an older man who has just come out of prison - not sure what he had been convicted of. My dd goes round in circles and has had many relationships in her desperation to avoid abandonment.

One thing I have learnt - quite a while ago now - is that I need to put aside all normal expectations. It is a long time now since I came to the point of 'just being here' - that is, realising I can't do anything about her choices or who dd forms a relationship with.

By being here I am just a place, a person here when things break down; she has a room here to return to and - even though she complains about it - this means that she actually CAN leave a relationship knowing she has somewhere to go.

Being here when these times occur is tough, but I think stepping back, changing expectations and working out what you are able to offer to support your dd can be very freeing.

I always come back to 'I didn't cause this, I can't control it, I can't cure it'.

At the moment there is that time when he has access to his child when your dd comes to you. It is hard not to feel like you are being used when this happens, but it does mean that there is this regular, short time when you have contact.

I am wondering what is happening about the charges (which are very serious)? I imagine from the timeline that there is a court process happening? It may be that a custodial sentence is not too far away?

I hope you can regroup -you and the other family members - and can find the space for yourselves to 'breathe' and appreciate one another.

Sending lots of hugs  . . . . .

thank you for your response.  I just checked and was so happy to find your response.  We have now met her bf a few times.  He seems to be on something but don't know what his drug of choice is.
He pays her no attention at all.  She hangs on his every word.  He is using her.  She missed her sister's play performance last weekend and gave the reason that they had to work to earn money for him to pay the custodial supervisor to see his daughter.  Ugh.  He pulled out her laptop from his backpack and they use her car.  He claims to have a car but the 3 times they came it was her car in the driveway.  I do look up his case on the CT criminal database because it's public and he had a remote hearing on 12/17 and now a new one is for 2/16/22.  Don't know how long you can postpone this type of case.  It is indeed very serious.  He claims it is being done for jealous revenge.  Of course there is a jilted women doing this.  My question is that this woman I checked up on social media in a very rich women from her family business so her motivation is not money so what is the motivation for a mother to do this to her x husband and father to her child?