BPDFamily.com

That is what it feels like breaking up with someone with BPD. My heart goes out to all of you.
At first the plane takes off , steep and high.. then there is the turbulence .. but you think hey , its only turbulence ..only to figure out there is one engine missing and there is no cabin oxygen.
I am in the stage where I walk around in a blanket with one sock on, with second degree burns.. away from the crash site.

He presented it to me on a tray: he was diagnosed with BPD a few years before a met him.
He told me he could have suicidal thoughts, had a problem with fear of abandonment and anger. I was head over heels in love with him when he said it...the only justification I can find for me not to see it as a red flag.
I loved the way he lived, his sensitivity.. his passion. he said a lot I was his 'ideal'.
(I think we all idealise our new love at first, bpd or not, because it is a human thing to go on what we know  and our brains fill in what we not know yet. And what we don't know yet is a lot, in the beginning.
We fill it with our own desires, wants, fantasies. However, the difference I found is non BPD people don't devaluate ... or 'split'). The splitting is the thing that makes even the strongest person weak.

A few weeks in, red flag one: I started noticing he had many conflicts around him... and non of them were his fault. He was the victim of a world that was unkind to him and he didn't understand why.
He was in a lawsuit with someone he worked with and was about to enter another one against his flatmates (who wanted him out, I don't know what happend there).. there was a pending conflict in his family, his ex-employer.. and he had a train of ex relationships that didn't last longer than a couple of months.
I, in a love coma, thought he just needed some guidance and we we Bonnie and Clyde. He was 'it' we were 'it'.
And we were! we could handle anything together it seemed. we were together almost 24/7 in bliss.

Until red flag two: the anger turns to YOU. ( which it will, inevitably)
First time at his house I cleaned his windowframes and watered his plants before I went home so that he could come home and feel nice. Instead he called me up angry and said ' we needed to talk' .. ' you must think I am a DISGUSTING person! ' he said. Apparently by doing so I had made him feel disgusting (red flag three) . ..It took me 45 minutes to explain it was love, not malintention, before getting through to him. I was alarmed, but loved him so much I let go.

The anger became more frequent from there.
When I didn't call in time, or at the desired moments he would react vengeful by not answering at all anymore or send me print screens of his busy schedule. Or just sulk and disconnect, sometimes for days.
When I was on the phone too long with a friend he would express feeling rejected and jealous. Whenever I did anything without him he would say: I want to be the one to do that with you!'.
He wanted to do everything together (red flag four) and when I say that I mean everything.
I thought it was sweet at first, so we went and did everything together. Until I realised that was his fear of abandonment and a sense of control more than it was love.
When I didn't or couldn't he would disconnect completely and when I would get a hold of him eventually he would say things like: 'I don't like living in this world any more' or or ' you probably think I am A PIECE OF PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)' or  'I do this to restrain myself'
The last one makes sense, since when he would let his anger out he knew it would be explosive. But I felt it anyway and it started seriously destabilising me as well.

I became anxious and worried about him getting angry and started walking on eggshells. I was even afraid when my friends would call because I knew when he would call when I am on the phone I would have a problem. Even when I texted him while being on the phone (which I ALWAYS did .. that I would call right back and who I was talking to) it would end up in an argument.
My trust started crumbling. I started feeling scared and trapped.
The lows started out weighing the highs, we were just three months in.

Two weeks ago things climaxed when I expressed I had a really hard time trusting him and I told him the BPD scared me too and we really needed to talk about it.  I was afraid of him ' being just like my mother'. ( different story but a clue to why this happened , clearly).
That night he barged into my house, furious..( probably fear of rejection?) there was no way to connect to him.. we argued and he got verbally aggressive and he eventually, pushed me.
For me that was a limit.. I told him to leave. I sent all his stuff back a few days later.
After one more confused sms text chain after ( I was the one being confused.. wanting to fix, take all  blame in order not to lose him, when I knew it felt so wrong and so ill, he was already feeling so much shame and rejection he was on another planet) .. I blocked him and we have been NC since.

So, the plane crashed. I am in the aluminum foil blanket on the side, happy to still be alive but traumatised and burnt.
I feel I can hardly move. i doubt myself, I can't grasp what happened and trying to stop loving him and not to unblock him.
and more important I hope when I get this processed I can start looking at myself.

Thanks for sharing. As I lay on the couch of a friends house, researching how to reclaim my house, looking for a new place, and basically seeing more and more how my partner was full blown BPD and the split devastated me days ago( slightly better now) . Your post reminded me of what I went through, very similar and really picked me up this morning. It’s nice to not feel so alone in reading other peoples stories. Everyday gets easier I am finding so hang in there and again sorry for what you endured and thanks for being here.

Hi firsttimefather,

Thank you for your supportive reply... and yes you are not alone:).
In all the misery I am proud most of us on this site  had the strength to see what happened and walk away from the crash site. But at the same time that is what makes me feel completely lost as well. I did what my friends, some people on this site and my rational mind told me so: at the first red flags RUN.
In my case walking away in the middle of the honeymoon phase is probably the least harmful but also SO SO hard.
Because the connection is so deep, there is just enough time to really love him AND to still be deeply in love.

But I realise that apart from what they are or how they behave we have to keep checking in on what effect it had on us and if we are still capable of having the trust and love we had for them initially even if they would come marching back with balloons and chariots.
I know that I could never go back to the trustful person to him as I initially was. In a way this thought comforts me because it exists independant from him. I can stop thinking or trying to analyse HIM because for ME it would just be impossible to continue, regardless. It does bring me some peace, maybe it helps someone else too.

It does help me. We broke no contact today. Back to reading between the lines. I know socks and underwear were not so important to text me regarding their whereabouts. I responded and put in a couple of things I just wanted to say. She responded. Not engaging with the topics just responded. My guess: she is checkin in, she is entertaining someone new but seeing if I’m still there cause what if they don’t connect? Plus keep the cycle going. Not gonna lie, I got sucked in to my mind again, hope we’re talking and gonna at least get in a good place but then she ghosted me. Patterns, patterns, patterns. I backed up and keep reminding myself I too don’t trust them. She may be trying to hurt me? Though I believe somewhere in there is good and cared I know I can’t expect much. So I too gotta just keep forward. I have to remind myself of the problems that existed before the split. Remind myself of the abuse. Remind myself that she has a mental illness and I’m better off without her in my life. Not gonna lie and say it isn’t hard but it has to be this way. I’m better now, it had only been a few hours before my rational me kicked in. Funny how interactions with our partners make us have to unpack all this baggage when triggered and how you can grow so used to it as that it doesn’t feel awkward when it first kicks in

The thing is..sometimes writing it down helps to see how ill things are or were.
To me, when I read how you communicate with your ex it is so evident this is disordered.
and to be fair I don't think that will ever change, even if she is with someone else. At least , this is my take on it. My ex was in therapy twice a week and took medications. I don't know how he was before but for me to have so much drama so soon was just too hard. He accused me a lot of not taking his feelings serious, to which I replied: 'I take your feelings very serious, otherwise I would not be so affected, I just don't accept you projecting your anger at me so frequently'. It is something that is not landing anywhere with him.
I have been in a couple of long relationships where I got a reference as to what is healthy or ' normal'.
With my ex ( the guy before my current ex with BPD,) when we broke up ( we were together for 11 years) it was really hard on us both but the difference with a disorder in the mix is the clearness of the conversation. .When we were sad we were sad..didn't fake or hide things for each other and when things needed to be arranged, houses or money stuff we were just did it. sometimes he was crying in front of me and I held him and sometimes I called him up in tears too. Why wouldn't we?
Honestly I feel that I haven't changed.. my fears, hopes, insecurities, values, sense of loyalty are the same in every relationship , they just come in different colors depending on the person I have in front of me. Sooner or later they have to deal with them in the same way I need to deal with theirs.
It is not normal what you experienced... a gf calling the police on you or, like now,  you always having to read between lines. It is normal it feels horribly confusing to you because it IS.

Oh, why I was saying this is because I made the mistake of thinking that I could also talk to my BPD ex in a 'normal'... like, being vulnerable, saying sorry or just ' talk things out' .. kind of way. That is not the case when there is a  disorder in the relationship! I found that out the hard way.
There will be persistent anger, ruthless even, the splitting is just so hard to take.
It leaves you thinking how can they suddenly turn into a completely different person? and then if you are not careful you'll start the duck hunt trying to get the other 'loving" version of them back.. deep down inside knowing that you can expect almost anything from them in this stage.

Thank you for sharing your stories. Helped me a lot. It helps to depersonalize everything to realize so many people have been through so much. Sending a virtual hug to everyone. I’m going to start writing down more. It does help the patterns of dysfunction become more apparent.