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It’s getting a bit better a bit easier. I go through moments of hurt: mainly picturing her with someone new. I do my best to chase the thoughts away. It really doesn’t matter to the big picture for me. I learned about occupational orders last night so that may be the way to my home. For starters today I want to say despite the turmoil I do love her. I loved the times we did have and am thankful for that. Last night a friend suggested I also allow the hate. I don’t hate her but the things she did I definitely feel I should allow myself the freedom to hate just a bit. It helps. It helps quell that sense of longing for some sort of closure that I know won’t come, an apology I will never hear, an understanding and acknowledgment that her behavior was abusive. Still no contact. I do look at my phone a lot at times hoping to hear from her. Again I am aware of how little by little I allowed myself to be abused over this past year and in a way still doing it. My thoughts hit a wall when I recall the police call. There is no excuse for that, just one in a along chain of coercive control measures. For awhile I pictured her a sad regretful person as she considered her actions but her actions don’t really suggest that. I do think the things she says are projections: ‘I don’t want a relationship with you’ she said in one of her exchanges the other day. Honestly considering I did nothing wrong I think she was saying ‘you don’t want a relationship with me’ , ‘you should be ashamed she said’ she feels shame possibly?
As I read over other posts on here I see more and more symptoms I hadn’t realized: hiding me from family and friends, isolating behaviors such as not joining me for visits to friends, a concert I bought tickets for months in advance. The things she said when we first got together about not wanting to be alone for the rest of her life. The fact that she was so beautiful, had a job and in her mid 30s but not married? I asked her about that on day one to which she responded’ many have tried’ . More importantly than these realizations, I realize I was looking for something from her in the same way I did my abusive father. Hoping my true intentions would be seen through the cooking, baking, caretaking. Spoiled her in gifts at any opportunity.
 Again in the end I began to mirror her. Allowing myself to step backwards: drinking occasionally medicating for sleep etc. I didn’t do these things so much before, pretty much quit drinking but all of a sudden I made it be okay. I’m just so thankful I caught myself from slipping too far. It’s hard to be displaced and also sad and miss someone who really was not good to me. Also to feel hostility from them is horrible. All the good I put forth added up to this. I have empathy for her yes, but also have enough understanding now to realize I don’t want the abuse.

Hi Firsttimefather,  :hi:


This is a great observation on your part. Many if not most of us here have found ourselves learning similar valuable insights into why we chose the partners we did. I know I have been gaining insight as well. My mom was an uBPD, and it took me a long time to understand why my ex reminded me of her. It's not at all uncommon for those of us who grew up in a dysfunctional home setting to seek to fix what we couldn't in our childhoods by our choice of a SO.

Kudos to you for grasping this.  |iiii

Wools

Thank you. I seemingly hit a little rough patch. There was LC and it strung me full of hope. My ex gf Bpd texted me random disordered texts. ‘I can’t find my socks and underwear do you know where they are?’ Then just a little communication but then stopped. Then I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about her. It really is hard. For the most part I’m ok. I try to remember the bad times and remind myself of the abuse. I feel in a way like I’m glossing over or just wiping away the things we went through, that police call. Sadly I’m a way I wish we could go back but I know we can’t. It also seems like for those who do the episodes only get worse. I look forward to when this is further behind me. How do we not love and miss someone we put so much attention on. How do they not care about me being displaced from home or how my dog whom she spent everyday with from 4 months old to a year later, no interest or concern for him? I know , it’s ‘crazy making’ yes and how cruel that such a thing exists. Anyway, I woke up and read and read and it made me realign my focus and realize the best is yet to come but sadly without her. And this time of year nonetheless. I find myself checking the phone: did she text back, will she. I see the receipt that she read the texts I sent. Is this getting through? Is she curious? But no response. Then I ask myself, why do I want this back? It’s hard because we still live together and truth is my instincts say she will be trying to come back. I think it shows in her making contact. Do I want that? I don’t know sometimes. I really just want life back to normal, I want to be home, in my bed making food and getting ready for Christmas. Not sleeping on a couch trudging through sadness. Is she suffering? Part of me thinks so. Part of me thinks ‘I know her, she would always bounce back and forth, push and pull and we spent a whole year living together in that house. Our ghosts are there. There must be triggers. Again, like many people here,you get this hope that maybe she will turn around and go: no more, I won’t let this happen again, not to you, not to me, but such hope is worthless. Anyway, I feel better now having written this out but what a journey and I know I must stay strong.