BPDFamily.com

Wow I think I need help. Advice or redirection. I won’t go into the backstory as it is here if you read my posts. Last night at 3 am I woke with a panic attack and my thoughts were full of my ex and someone else. It made it so hard to go back to sleep but a diligent mindfulness and meditation I got back to calm. I thought I was beyond this but guess not. She has made contact through my NC though hasn’t in 24 hours. She just said a few simple things that were obviously disordered/out of context and at odd times finally followed by : I may need your help to pick up my car..  I wrote back as I always did , my usual: honey, I’m sorry I’m not able to help you as I need to go to the vet and I’m out of the area. I love you I miss you and I hope you are well sorry. Now I know this may have been a bit much but I didn’t care. I want to be me and be honest. I don’t know what she is up to, probably someone else but who knows. We do still live together and I feel it is unsafe to go home. Now I interpreted her messages to mean she is seeing if I’m still there somewhere . I sent her a picture of our dog as well. No response. Here I am today and I want to go home. I want to text her ‘hi’ and see if we can act somewhat normal. Hi , I’d like to come home. But I’m afraid of walking in on something, I’m also afraid that I’m wanting to go to get questions answered. As I do this I remind myself why I need to leave and how it always turns into all this, not simply text hi. Reminders, advice, support? How do I read her actions ? It was 3 weeks after NC that she finally texted me. Do I just maintain NC again ? There still is the house between us so we have that kinda tethering us a bit. I feel a little better but it helps having feedback and support here. Thanks everyone . Definitely need it today.

If you end NC as soon as she contacts you, what was the point of NC?

Reading your post, the thing that seems most apparent is that you are still very much in love with this girl and she could likely suck you back in quite easily with the right words.

I'd start strengthening myself there first.

It’s true. I gave in and though it is no excuse we share a house rental together so my intention was to see if she was going to be away from the house so I could go home but I did throw out a few lines yes. It was my attempt to inject some sense of closure, that one last time I suppose. However as the day progressed I feel better. I’ve decided to take my power back and I agree with your suggestion of strengthening my resolve. Absolutely, I came to this conclusion as well today then I found your reply as if the world was screaming it. It is true that I do still love her but accept it for what it is and keep moving forward. Healthier relationships ahead without all of this overhead. Thanks again.so glad for this place, I felt so broken for a moment back there.