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I have been in my relationship with my husband for 32 years (married 27). I have kept so much of what happens a secret. I hope this group can be a little bit of a reality check.

We were setting up the Christmas tree last night. My youngest and I were and he was tossing us the branches.

I put on music via the Alexa. A little back story he has not used it in more than a year. I added my phone and started playing music when he was not home. Last night he didn't like the selection and wanted to play his Christmas music from Amazon. I guess when I added mine his account went away because it's gone.

This  created a HUGE thing. I did it on purpose to exclude him from the family. I made it so he can never use the Alexa. All of these I denied and showed him how to fix it. Nope it's like he wanted to be upset.

I ended up saying yes I understand how you could be upset and I didn't do it on purpose. This went on for an hour and a half. Our youngest went upstairs and they knew decorating  was over for the night.  I then just went to bed. I was nervous he would follow me up to continue the fight. Thankfully it didn't happen.

Would a regular person think oh it was not on purpose and move forward? We didn't end up finishing the tree as he was pissed off. Now can I use Alexa when he is at home? I bought a larger one, will I have to remove that present? If not how do I deal with the verbal repercussions?

No, a normal person would not react this way.

Take a look at the Tools above for guidance.

Don’t validate the invalid is something we say here. Of course you can use the Alexa, and if you’ve purchased another one…give that if you wish.

Dealing with the verbal repercussions? I’ve found it best to ignore and move on. So what if he’s unhappy that his account disappeared. You didn’t do that intentionally. He can create another one or perhaps recreate that one. It’s not your problem.

Thank you. I have lived so long in this that I question myself.

I gave him solutions which he refused to take. He wanted to obsess on being excluded or pushed away from the family.

 I am allowing myself to be angry and disappointed he ruined our tree trimming. Our youngest just went up to their room. Later they just said "Ya dad ruined it by getting mad again".

Probably a good idea to create a "rule" in your head that you will give 10 minutes to "trying to work the issue" and then take a break. 

He may not like this...but if in 10 minutes he is not calming (doesn't have to be completely calm..just on the way)...try something different.

Like get him a  drink and one of you and refuse to discuss "the issue" while calming back down.

Can I "flip this around" on you?  Why did you "keep going" with this for so long? 

Best,

FF

Hi Phoenix123,
Welcome, I have only been with my wife for seven years but she is a lot like your husband taking little things like that and making it into a huge vendetta against her. I usually find when my wife feels pressure to enjoy something (like decorating a Christmas tree for example) then it leads to a terrible row. She has always been jealous of my music, the fact that I play the piano (I’m not “allowed” to do it for pleasure even though do it for a living). She is jealous of the fact that I have been to lots of concerts and festivals (before I met her) so she doesn’t like me talking about such things, to her or other people. I am 15 years older than her and she doesn’t like particular artists like I do, just popular songs. When we first met, every time I tried to share my favourite music with her, she accused me of it reminding me of having sex with my ex-boyfriend. Um, what? But anyway she put so much pressure on me that she bullied me into giving all my cd’s to a charity shop within a few months of being with her. Last year, with her agreement, I bought us both an Alexa echo auto for our cars. It took over a year until she was happy for us to use them. But now I get to listen to my favourite songs I hadn’t heard for years! Don’t tell her or she’ll be jealous of Alexa. Have you read, “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist”? It’s a really good book and there’s also one about raising resilient children with a borderline or narcissist. I listen to them on audible using my car Alexa. I’m glad you found this forum. It has really helped to improve my relationship with only me putting the effort in. I’ve learnt to say a lot less which seems to help. The people here are amazing, so supportive and knowledgable.

would a regular person disproportionately flip out over something that is really about something bigger?

sure they would. we all have.

thats what was going on here, and thats often the case when our loved ones are making extreme or exaggerated claims.

it isnt just that you accidentally removed his account. thats just what set him off.


this is what it was about.

reading between the lines, i suspect your husband feels a bit like an outsider in his family. a bit like its him vs the rest of you.

i also suspect a lot of that is his doing, and a result of his being difficult and antagonizing. nonetheless, it sounds like a perception that the rest of you may be reinforcing.

what do you think?

I would like to echo the other sentiment.'

This is a response that is totally beyond necessity. It would be one thing to be irritated and move on, or even ask you not to do it again. But the give away is that extra sting that's the emotion. The idea is that the content may not be true but the feeling IS TRUTH to him. The feeling of emptiness and loneliness is what is very real to him.

I don't have advice beyond... this is not you. The feeling he is feeling is his own and it is being expressed poorly because he feels so bad about it and needs to blame someone (that isn't him).

Hang in there. Keep asking for sanity checks. Be honest when telling the story.

Wow I think this is so true. Thank you for this insight.  His behavior has pushed him away. He feels us not wanting to be with him when he acts out. Our oldest has better boundaries and does not deal with his crap. So much so he does not confront her at all. I am not sure how to fix that.

 I don't have much hope that he will seek treatment. Before I realized he might have BPD I suggested couples counceling he refused. They always side with the wife and are a road to divorce. Black-and-white thinking all the way.  :check:

One possibility of a way to approach these "pushing away" things is something like this..

"I'm not able to have conversations with you with accusations in between us."  (note you didn't point out that he made an accusation...he can either pick up the thing and reflect on it..or do whatever.)

Maybe he picks up a few nuggets here and there.

Have you ever had conversations about his "loneliness"?


Best,

FF

Not specifically about loneliness.  He frequently says that the whole house hates him. When he starts the kids go to their rooms. He often rants about being the " bad guy" when it was me who did x. It's always about what I did to him.

I will try and listen for what is underneath. I am sure he does feel lonely. His behavior over the years has pushed the family to not like him very much and on some level he feels that.