BPDFamily.com

Sometimes I get weak, what can I say. That panic attack yesterday got me but today is better. It’s all starting to feel a bit more natural. I’m feeling myself coming more so into shape. My mind not so riddled with anxiety. Then that hit me: all the anxiety. All the runoff from being around that energy. As the final blocks fell solidifying that this is what I deal with (I notice a lot of folks who post not knowing whether or not their partner has Bpd. I knew mine did but it was a bit undersold at first. I’m aware now that it was obviously more than she made it out to be). I start to see traces of how things become as they are: you feel a sense of sorry for your partner, it makes you put on your kid gloves and cater to childlike need. You think you are doing the right thing, she will see I love her since this tenderness is so endearing. How mending fences without working through it, just forgetting and moving on, always waiting for that magic time when you both will sit down and have a real heart to heart but it never comes.The little comments that are hurtful but said with a smile and air of jest but truly it tore at your self esteem, How within a few days I kept finding myself still answering to her schedule. My internal clock waking me up either revisiting the trauma hour of the night of the split, or for her to arrive home from work. How when she crawled in bed it was all about her. Come let me hold you, okay get out need to go to sleep now. Those malicious glances you accidentally stumble onto. The cold and mean attitude that day in the car when I was explaining I was on the phone regarding her car and she slightly scolded me for not helping her with her car, as I was explaining I was she responded ‘enough, no talkie talkie’How I drove all the way out to meet her as she wasn’t responding. I get there and she is in the car about to drive out of the lot, does she stop to connect with me? No she drives off with me following her( I know this may not make sense but what I realize is how ‘alone’ I was actually operating yet I was in a relationship? I recall how I too started to change, more grumbly. I was still calm but could imagine myself growing much edgier in years to come. It was starting to upset me as the behaviors on her end seemed more frequent, more intensified. Then the medication changes. That’s when it went further. Her other behaviors worsening as a result of her decision to stop taking the medicine. Again I consider the boatload of fear and anxiety I was paddling around with me. Then I think of all the good I brought. I was a caretaker but a really good one. That one week when we had so much fun shopping. She got a new necklace and earring (courtesy of me) and how happy and so much more hopeful it all seemed. I read Anxiety5’s post on here and took his suggestion:make a list of the bad and keep it close. I did. Life without the burden of all of this is starting to show itself. I started and decided to take my power back. To be on the other side of the breakup. Not be so victimized, (I didn’t feel too victimized, most of my hurt stems from the things I’m going to miss doing for her. (Ain’t that something?) but nonetheless, not the victim but the confident boyfriend deciding enough is enough. That’s how I should have been months ago but didn’t realize it. I was only thinking I need out of this possibly. Careful what you wish for? Lol…my gut instincts do tell me she feels very ashamed and sheepish for her actions but also who knows? Is she already jumping into something? Is she in her hyper sleep/hyper work mode? Does she think of me at all? Doesn’t matter. I feel better and I have my weak moments but as I look back, and hopefully demonstrated her: it’s a rollercoaster ride we got onto and despite the changes it’s still a roller coaster ride we have yet to get off of as these relationships end. A rollercoaster wasn’t the ride I was looking for. So why am I upset? Now that I see all of this loud and clear? Exactly! So I stepped on to the other side. I don’t need it honey. You had it really good from me, those new shoes on your feet? All the meals, lunches? The extra help I provided you so you could work without worrying about the dog, the laundry, the house. I’m not the one who should be so upset, what I lost was me but I kept him close enough through it. Changes I implemented months ago of self care. Even in my not utmost current best health. Smoking cigarettes, and pot occasionally but I’m stopping that nowish, I was still strong enough and I was still there, not fully submitting myself. To becoming completely lost. There are things that I’m not the proudest of but I maintained my loyalty, my fidelity, my attention to her. I thought she the only woman for me, I never could be with another. How she even can think that is baffling, wasn’t she listening to me and the myriad of ways in which I said it?showed it? Oh wait: projection. Fudge! Lol..So I reached for my spine, picked myself up off the floor. Be confident, I was good, no I was great. I could have done better had I not been doing all the heavy lifting for the two us. My mother, my brother, my friends who are putting me up in the wake of all of this, my east coast friends, the online support and information threads: this most likely does not get better from here. So take the power back. Wipe away those tears and be confident I made it out, I’m coming back into myself. It all falls further behind me, the abortion, the abuse, the coercion and now I start to see how light the world actually is. How lessened now the burden.I got this… ( thanks for listening