BPDFamily.com

My husband has signs of BPD and I don't have hopes he will ever be diagnosed. When arguing he wants to know WHY.  Why did you do that? These seem to go on for hours because I won't tell him what he wants to hear. I tell my truth until I get worn down and comply. I end up agreeing with whatever reason he decided was logical. This has torn my inner self down over the years. Every time I would back down it would eat part of me away.

Does anyone else have a SO or spouse who does this? I don't know how to make him realize I am not malicious and or uncaring. I don't go out of my way to not take him into consideration or care. I am frequently accused of not caring or not being empathetic. What works for you? I want to get me back and I can't continue to act this way.

E

Thanks for posting.  Hopefully you can find some support here.

I believe my wife has BPD, and she has accused me of doing what your husband is doing.  I would love to know more specifics.

When dealing with someone with BPD (or really anybody) these steps can help.

Step One: Regulate your own emotions - because he may not be able to regulate his.  He will also take whatever you are feeling and magnify in a negate way.  You need to be able to calm yourself.  These are the steps
1. Pause.
2. Pay attention to my emotions (what are you feeling?, don't try to change it, just be aware)
3. Pay attention to my physical sensation (is your blood pressure up?, do you feel knots in your stomach?)
4. Pay attention to your body posture and language (crossed arms or legs, eye contact, hunched)
5. Half-smile. (not a smirk or a full smile - because that could be seen as invalidating - the kind of smile you give yourself when you are feeling sad and want to show care, but not that you are glad about a situation)
6. Validate and cheerlead yourself. (in your head - tell yourself you are doing the best you can do right now)

Step Two: Validate everything he is feeling enthusiastically.  This goes beyond "active listening".  Don't do anything to discuss why he shouldn't feel that way.  Don't give him education or facts.  Look for ways to explain why he is feeling the way he is, and justify his feelings to him.
NOTE:  Validation is not agreement - do not agree with anything that isn't true for you.  Don't back down from your truth.

For example:  You could say, "I can understand why you think I am not being logical.  You seem to have a very clear idea in your head, and it doesn't match up with what I am saying.  Because I don't understand you, you think I am incapable of empathy or that I don't care.  I would feel awful if I thought you didn't care about me."

Step Three: Respond with your hope - without discounting his feelings

For example: "I love you.  I believe that even if we disagree on this issue, it will be ok.  We have disagreed on things before, and we have made it through."

Learning to be able to still feel OK about myself even while being accused of being uncaring was the turning point for me, as well as accepting that I was unable to control another person's misperceptions of me.

Yes, a thousand times yes!  |iiii

Now if I’m accused of not caring, being unsympathetic, having a bad intent, I agree and overemphasize these criticisms with a smile.

“How astute! Of course it’s true that I only care about myself!”

“You know I’m only sympathetic to animals, never to you.”

“Yes, I purposefully made your cappuccino without adding any sugar because I wanted to see the look on your face when you took that first sip.”

This strategy works for me because my husband is a *polarity person* and will usually take the opposite side of anything I advocate when he is triggered. What I say to him is so absurd that he cannot take it at face value, so it deflates his attempts to start an argument and get me into a defensive posture.

It may not be an effective strategy for others, but it’s very freeing for me to not defend myself.

Remember the principles of JADE: don’t Justify, don’t Argue, don’t Defend, don’t Explain. Following this guide, you’ll refrain from participating in circular arguments.

My wife wants to know the "real reason" behind things I say or do and often she tells me what that reason might be.

And if I disagree she tells me I'm arrogant etc.

And she can be very patient so hours later I will give in because I want to move forward. She will blame me for wasting her(!) time. But sometimes when I do give in she's happy for a while, maybe the rest of the day and look at me with warmth.

I feel bad afterwards though, now I have to remember the "real reason" til next time

It ultimately undermines a relationship to accept fiction as fact, and then have to remember that. Nothing *arrogant* about having your own opinion. However if it diverges from what your pwBPD believes, getting labeled isn’t the worst thing. “Fine, you think I’m arrogant,” and wear that as a badge of honor.

When those critical jabs no longer get under your skin, your wife will quit trying to *take you down a peg*.

The most nondefensive response according to Susan Forward is ‘You’re absolutely right’, even if you don’t mean it. An alternative, which incidentally I learned from my sister who seems to have BPD traits is: ‘You could be right’.

Another one I have used with success is simply, ‘I understand’ which I have used in response to the paranoid fantasies of one of my brothers.