BPDFamily.com

My wife has many BPD characteristics, but isn’t officially diagnosed. Her and her sister strongly suspect that their mother has BPD. I’m in counseling (2nd round) and beginning to come up for air after 17 years of a dysfunctional marriage.

My wife had amassed a small zoo of 2 dogs, 3 cats, and a leopard gecko. I was living in the constant filth of animal pee and poop. All too slowly, I realized that my son (14 year old with ADHD) was incapable of bearing the responsibility for this dog. After a year, I fostered the dog out to get him potty trained and the training was useless because our son was actually not able to consistently follow through with his responsibilities.

My relationship with my son was deteriorating because almost all of our interactions involved taking responsibility for his dog.  I was more than ready to find a new home for the dog; but, my wife’s instability left her constantly swinging back and forth between rage at my son with threats of losing the dog to an inability to “break his heart” by actually following through.

I eventually drew a boundary and removed myself from the toxic situation by moving into the guest room, which would be declared a “pet-free” zone. A few hours after cleaning up the pee, hoping the maid wouldn’t resign due to health concerns, the house would return to a cesspool again. My solution to step away from the pet chaos wasn’t enough because I was greeted by pee puddles and poop piles in the entryway the moment I stepped through the door. Plus, I was hardly interacting with my family because I was so frequently holed up to avoid pet issues.

In order to preserve my physical, mental, and spiritual health I chose to find another home for my son’s dog, who was at the center of most of our family’s contention. This was the last straw for my wife, who has since left and is living with friends. Today, she told me that since I refuse to apologize for removing the dog without her consent, my consequence is that she will not come home.

It’s almost comical, because she is the one suffering far more in my opinion. I am sad that she is gone, but am enjoying the peace of rebuilding our home with my two boys and the two stress-free cats that weren’t packed up. I’m even participating in caring for the animals again, probably because the pee and poop are contained in litter boxes…LOL. I can deal with a lot of crap…but, I’m choosing to focus on the crap that I have control of. Removing three animals and a toxic pattern of communication is a consequence; however, it is a welcome trade-off.

My arms are wide open and I pray for reconciliation, but it’s looking more and more like she is unwilling/unable to let go of my choice to protect the boys and myself. I’m okay though and I’m not living in shame about the peace I have.

Hi Jwgibster
I have to say I was delighted to read through to the end of your post to know that you have drawn a boundary in an impossibly  - and unhealthy - situation and been able to see such a positive consequence.

I have had the similar issues with BPD dd - animals being brought home, lots of promises and me ending up cleaning up and caring for them. I have read other posts here where people have been in similar situations.

In my experience setting any sort of boundary with a bpd person results in the sorts of reaction that you have experienced. We end up being 'cornered' ie they create a chaotic situation, are unable to sort it out and won't let anyone else do it either.

I hope you can continue to enjoy the life with your children that you have now; I hope you can hold the boundary you have established and are able to establish any other boundary that you need in the future.