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Things had been improving recently with my wife, where we seemed to be getting on better with me changing some of my responses etc. (even though I knew she wouldn’t admit things were going well). But it’s all going rapidly downhill and I’m just so upset and I don’t know how to improve things.
There are several issues at play:
- She always claims to LOVE Christmas, but in reality the whole season is usually a mighty disappointment, most of which gets blamed on me. I think she puts lots of pressure on herself to have a wonderful time and can’t live up to it, plus claims to love gifts but finds them disappointing.
- We are still not agreeing about where we want to move to. We need to move away because then we can be mortgage free and we cannot get another mortgage due to our debts. She wants to go to Scotland. She wants a big home and garden and her grandmother was from there. I would prefer northern England as it’s a few hours closer to my elderly parents. But she says the children will never see them either way. She won’t say why but she doesn’t want to come back. But admits she may change her mind but won’t know until the time.
- She is again disappointed with our sex life which is non-existent since having two small children who sleep with her in the bed. She blames me for making no effort. She doesn’t feel close to me, doesn’t feel loved, doesn’t feel I make any effort with her. It’s been one of those days where she said, “why are we even together?”
I have felt much stronger recently, but the past couple of days have completely worn me down. Any advice or support welcome. I think of you all often and I’m only glad to finally be able to say that I don’t feel so alone this Christmas.

I don't have any advice - but everything you are saying sounds familiar.

Remember...the less "involved" or "hooked" you get into fixing/affecting/influencing the "rapidly downhill" stuff...gets you much quicker to the "rapidly uphill" part of the cycle.

Do you think there is a way you can move from "so upset" to more the kind of feeling when you are excited to go out for a walk...you open the door and...it's raining...the cold rain that goes to your bones.

Yes..disappointing but it's happened before...and will happen again...your life will be affected by cold rain...and "splitting"..regardless of how upset you get about it.

So...?

Best,

FF

I'm sorry you are going through this.    It's a tough situation.   this isn't a reflection of how hard you have been working.

Now would be the time to focus on yourself.   your own self care.   doing things that are good for you.   being kind to yourself.     make sure you are eating, sleeping and getting a little exercise.

what do you do to take care of yourself?

what I am suggesting is that you be deliberate about distancing yourself just slightly from your wife.    I know you are mostly together.   I know that even taking a walk by yourself is not something you feel comfortable doing.    putting a little distance between you will allow you to de-stress.   putting a little distance between you will afford her the opportunity to regulate her emotions.  you both need a break.

what can you do to take a break?