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Hi all,

I finally did something I've considered for a long time but was never quite brave enough to do: in the middle of the night when my uBDP husband persisted in trying to continue a discussion (aka pick a fight) after I said I was done talking and needed to sleep, and even after I'd moved to another room and he twice followed, I just up and calmly left the house and checked into a hotel.

I hope I don't need to do this again, but the option is there if I need it.

 |iiii Good for you! Follow through is everything!

What was his response? Did he accuse you of being cold/evil/fake or something like that? Or did he worry about you a lot? Has this event come up in discussions later?

I think if I would do something like this my wife would call me arrogant and abusive and tell me that I'm trying to be someone i'm not and also probably accuse me of controlling her.

And it might be that at first she'd be worried about me and happy to have me back at home, but later (days or weeks later) she would start accusing me until I beg for her forgiveness.

If your partner accuses you of negative traits because you had to leave the house for the night, your boundaries need to be shored up. Nip that in the bud with a question such as “Do you remember what led up to me leaving?” Certainly you should never apologize for protecting yourself.

Great point about boundaries, Cat. The funny thing is, after a week or two, sometimes even I can't remember exactly why I protected myself - there have been several incidents since then that all kind of run together. So much chaos that the new stuff quickly overtakes last week's stuff. Which of course is not a great path to be on. But your point is helpful - thanks.

Thanksforplaying - exactly. I keep I diary on my computer at work and I work week days only, so on mondays I have a hard time remembering what happened on friday and saturday. Especially if Sunday was chaotic. And the less I remember about a situation (my feelings, her feelings, what happened, why I reacted in a certain way etc.) the more I question myself.

That must have taken a lot of courage.  Way to go!  Those middle of the night rages are the worse...when all you want to do is sleep but your adrenaline is pumping because of the chaos...

I've been focusing on making decisions based on what I think is right, not on the reaction I expect from someone else. Does this lead to challenging responses from others? You betcha!

He was angry, agitated, accusatory, and tried to use his body to block me from leaving--the most physically abusive he's been--but ultimately let me leave.


No, not at all. He was focused on how my leaving put him in an awkward situation: How was he going to buy the expensive piece of equipment he'd scheduled for 9am? What was he supposed to tell the kids? Etc.


I agreed to meet him to talk in a public place the next morning.


Well, he tells me I'm abusive for much smaller (non-existent?) things so what did I have to loose?  :)

And how did I feel? My adrenaline was pumping. I found it very hard to think straight for a few days; I was forgetful. But I also found it very freeing and exciting: I'd made a change that broke part of our dysfunctional pattern. I felt I had some good power, not just manipulation or walking on eggshells type of stuff.

I also, somewhat uncharacteristically, told a number of friends and family that I'd gone to a hotel in the middle of the night. I was afraid of disapproval, or at least misunderstanding ("but your husband's such a great guy!" "wasn't that a bit extreme?"), but they were very supportive.

Thank you, all.

Awesome steps!  Way to go!