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Title: Is it her or me? Post by: bugwaterguy on December 24, 2021, 08:06:39 AM I believe my wife thinks I have BPD (I discovered she was reading the Splitting book about divorcing someone with BPD). I think she has BPD.
We have a divorce counseling appointment on January 3. We are talking about how to discuss any moving forward with the kids. If I have BPD - I want to know. I don't think I do, but I would love that information if I am. Should I just say at the divorce counseling appointment, "I want us both to get interviewed by someone who is an expert at BPD so we can protect our kids" Title: Re: Is it her or me? Post by: Cat Familiar on December 24, 2021, 02:07:16 PM This is a nice thought in theory, but in reality, there’s no way you can protect your kids with having a diagnosis of either you or your wife.
It’s admirable that you are questioning your own mental health, but if you wonder if you have BPD, just asking that question leads to a definite NO! Title: Re: Is it her or me? Post by: babyducks on December 25, 2021, 08:07:46 AM Should I just say at the divorce counseling appointment, "I want us both to get interviewed by someone who is an expert at BPD so we can protect our kids" What would you consider an expert at BPD? https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder (https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder) In the link above it talks about the typical process of a diagnosis. Most specifically the conventional tests available. Excerpt The Diagnostic Interview for Borderline Patients (DIB-R) is the best-known "test" for diagnosing BPD. The DIB is a semi structured clinical interview that takes about 50-90 minutes to administer. The test, developed to be administered by skilled clinicians, consists of 132 questions and observations using 329 summary statements. The test looks at areas of functioning associated with borderline personality disorder. The four areas of functioning include Affect (chronic/major depression, helplessness, hopelessness, worthlessness, guilt, anger, anxiety, loneliness, boredom, emptiness), Cognition (odd thinking, unusual perceptions, non-delusional paranoia, quasi-psychosis), Impulse action patterns (substance abuse/dependence, sexual deviance, manipulative suicide gestures, other impulsive behaviors), and Interpersonal relationships (intolerance of aloneness, abandonment, engulfment, annihilation fears, counter-dependency, stormy relationships, manipulative behaviours, dependency, devaluation, masochism/sadism, demandingness, entitlement). https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder (https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder) My Ex partner no longer reached the level of clinically diagnosed BPD in that she did not meet the requisite number of Criterion. Specifically, numbers 4 and 5 Excerpt Individuals with borderline personality disorder display impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (Criterion 4). They may gamble, spend money irresponsibly, binge eat, abuse substances, engage in unsafe sex, or drive recklessly. Individuals with this disorder display recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior (Criterion 5). My partner did experience fugue states and hallucinations. Excerpt Some individuals develop psychotic-like symptoms (e.g., hallucinations, body-image distortions, ideas of reference, hypnagogic phenomena) during times of stress. BPD is often comorbid with other disorders: Excerpt Common co-occurring disorders include depressive and bipolar disorders, substance use disorders, eating disorders (notably bulimia nervosa), posttraumatic stress disorder, and attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder. Borderline personality disorder also frequently co-occurs with the other personality disorders. Excerpt In an NIH study of 34,653 people*, of those that had clinical BPD, 74% had another personality disorder, 75% also had a mood disorder, and 74% also had an anxiety disorder. Its not unheard of for the treating professional to diagnosis the 'other' commonly occurring disorder and avoid the BPD label as that has proven to be problematic. Depending on where you are and the condition of the mental health community BPD diagnosis can be counter productive. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68149.0 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68149.0) "Why is a BPD diagnosis not given out more often?" It's at the root of a great insecurity many have... .is the person in my life "ill" or is it me? What does it all mean when a person in our life fits many of the criteria of BPD or BPD traits (but not the obvious tangible criteria sch as cutting, suicide)and have seen a therapists and not been diagnosed or treated. I think Skip raises good points. Getting a diagnosis can provide a sense of relief. What are you hoping a diagnosis will provide for your family, specifically? How do you see this protecting your family? Title: Re: Is it her or me? Post by: bugwaterguy on December 26, 2021, 07:30:41 AM Thanks everyone for the insight.
My plan moving forward is to focus on the behavior, not the diagnosis. Title: Re: Is it her or me? Post by: ThanksForPlaying on December 27, 2021, 10:25:59 PM You're on the right track. FWIW, I would say you probably are not the one with BPD, but who knows.
Focus on the behavior, and the results of actions. Obviously some stuff is happening that you would like to change, regardless of whether anyone is diagnosed with BPD. The tools here can help with that. Tools like mindfulness and CBT can help in many areas of life, for both BPDs and nons. A lot of the tools here are just helpful in relating to people in general. Also, BPD is usually thought of as a spectrum disorder - many people (even on this board) exhibit one or several of the criteria. And then at some point you hit enough of them and you "have BPD". So I guess the flippant answer to "do I have bpd?" is "who cares?" or maybe "why does that matter to you?" and also "probably not, if you're asking that question". Keep up with your research and learning. Hang in there. Title: Re: Is it her or me? Post by: LonelyConfused on December 28, 2021, 05:50:09 PM BWG - If you can consider that you could be wrong about her and might have BPD yourself. If you can consider that things are not always black or white. If you can consider that this is not 100% her fault. If you can consider the effect on your children. Then I have to agree with Cat Familiar, you do not have BPD.
Title: Re: Is it her or me? Post by: SinisterComplex on December 29, 2021, 02:35:58 AM So BWG, I will echo Cat here and say you are more than likely to not have BPD. I think the label gets tossed around a bit too much. What I think is possible...perhaps your wife is projecting her behaviors unto you. Also consider that being around someone who could potentially have a disorder can cause someone who is a neurotypical to display abnormal behaviors due to the "crazy-making" behaviors of the partner who may have a mental health disorder (notice I am not specifically referencing BPD ;-). Just some food for thought.
I think you can cut yourself some slack because you are displaying empathy and strong self-awareness. Your introspection is potentially going to be your saving grace. Lastly, I think how you are approaching this is that you have been emotionally abused and because of that you are questioning your own reality. Don't do that. Ground yourself and hold your center and you will be ok. Keep your head up and good luck. Most importantly...be kind to yourself and take care of yourself. Cheers and best wishes! -SC- Title: Re: Is it her or me? Post by: bugwaterguy on December 29, 2021, 05:43:56 AM Thanks to everyone for the support
Title: Re: Is it her or me? Post by: bugwaterguy on December 29, 2021, 06:52:11 PM Also consider that being around someone who could potentially have a disorder can cause someone who is a neurotypical to display abnormal behaviors due to the "crazy-making" behaviors of the partner who may have a mental health disorder (notice I am not specifically referencing BPD ;-). Just some food for thought. Lastly, I think how you are approaching this is that you have been emotionally abused and because of that you are questioning your own reality. Don't do that. Ground yourself and hold your center and you will be ok. Thanks for that reassurance. Title: Re: Is it her or me? Post by: once removed on December 29, 2021, 07:10:49 PM If I have BPD - I want to know. I don't think I do, but I would love that information if I am. you might. i wondered the same thing about myself. its important to know that people with BPD tend to know something is off with/wrong with them. the ability to introspect doesnt preclude BPD. most likely, you do not. why? because only about 2.5% of the population does, and generally speaking, it is things like an eating disorder, a suicide attempt, a drug overdose - that sort of thing- that qualifies someone for a diagnosis and treatment. are you living with a major level of suffering and difficulty in your life as a result of your personality traits? if not, a personality disorder probably isnt the issue. thats not to say that there arent other things that are. there are two things going on that i would focus on: 1. you are in a high conflict relationship in the process of divorce. youre in a situation, and relationship, that has deteriorated over a length of time. no one in those circumstances tends to come out looking like a winner. there will be a lot to learn from where things went wrong, and, once they did, how they deteriorated. 2. someone that knows you intimately is reading a book on how to understand high conflict behavior (not a bad thing!), and how to prepare for it and deal with it. that should be taken with a grain of salt, especially given the high conflict circumstances, but it shouldnt be dismissed out of hand. what ive always found important is "i have these issues - what can i do with them?". the answer is: a lot. i suspect thats going to be easier after the divorce is completed, and later in the grieving process. theres a lot on your plate. |