BPDFamily.com

Happy Holidays Everyone!

It's been years since I've visited this site, and honestly, I thought I was done. How foolish was I! I'm writing to get feedback from any of you on my latest revelation.

My son, who is now 37, has been suffering from BPD since he was diagnosed at 20, and then, in his late 20's, he became addicted to heroin. Every crisis that's come up, my wife and I would jump in and try to fix it when it came to finding support services, etc.

I would often think to myself, am I supporting him or enabling him. At 37, he's still battling debilitating anxiety, depression, and addiction, so the roller coaster ride continues.

As I write this, he's in the hospital because of a suicide attempt and is currently awaiting a bed in the psych unit. He's told us he feels worthless and doesn't deserve to live and that he just doesn't know how to be a functioning adult.

My wife and I began thinking that doing everything for him over the years was more enabling rather than supporting him. We are now trying to back off trying to 'fix everything' and let the professionals work with him so he's able to LEARN how to help himself, but it's so tough to let go.

Thank you for reading this and know that I am interested in your feedback and suggestions.

Have a Wonderful Holiday,
Radioguitarguy

Hello Radioguitarguy,

What a difficult place you, your wife, and son are in. So deeply painful to see our sons with this disorder. Our UBPD son is 40. His symptoms go back to grade school. He has cut us off. Hearts are with you, here.

Hi Radioguitarguy
From what you have written it seems as though you have really done your best to try to get others ie professionals involved in your son's life and care.

I am not sure that this is enabling - it seems to be really supportive and what a parent would do. So I think you have done a great deal trying to support him.

Now he is in the medical system and I suppose the supports should be offered from the system.

It is very difficult when someone with BPD tries to deal with this by substance abuse. My bpd dd is in this group. At first it was marijuana, then harder substances, then ice. She is a wreck of her former beautiful self.

She has come off the ice now herself, but now finds it almost impossible to stop using marijuana. When she does try, all the bpd symptoms are just so magnified.

I think her journey with harder drugs has changed the way her brain works - she thinks this herself. These days I just do my best in being there for her - but it is not at all easy. Lately it has been awful. But I am still here.

It sounds as though you are at a point where the thoughts of change - of the possibility that your son will be able to live a 'normal' life is diminished.

There are many things that have helped me along my journey. One was a sort of poem called 'letting go'. It was written by a group of people who are relatives and friends of people with mental illness.

I read and repeated the lines over and over again, many years ago. The final one was 'Letting go means to fear less and to love more'.

Thoughts are with you at this point of a long, long journey . . . .

Sancho, it sounds a lot like this poem, by Nelson Mandela, I think. It is very powerful. I think he also said the objective of forgiveness was acceptance. I'm in the process of accepting and letting go, too, and forgiving my kids for the harm they've done themselves and others.

LETTING GO
To let go doesn’t mean to stop caring: it means I can’t do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off;
it is the realization that I can’t control another.

To let go is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another;
I can only change myself.

To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging outcomes,
but to allow others to effect their own outcomes.

To let go is not to be protective;
it is to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny, but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment.

To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.

Poem by Nelson Mandela (18 juli 1918 – 5 december 2013)

YES thank you PersuingJoy.

I did not know where it came from but for me it was something that came at an important moment in my life. I had it on my wall for a long, long time, but then lost it. I will now be able to put it up there again.

Thank you!