BPDFamily.com

 I didn’t know where to post the following link so please if anyone thinks it should go elsewhere/on a different board please feel free to repost or share.
 I thought this was very interesting and also references Bpdfamily website. I hope other folks find this useful, helpful and informative.


https://www.anythingtostopthepain.com/charming-or-relationship-recycling/

I get a 404 error :(

I posted this earlier but link didn’t work so here is the article. Again, please share or repost if you feel it a better fit elsewhere. They also name drop Bpdfam as well. I thought this to be a very interesting article. Let me know what you think:


(Source:)
https://www.anythingtostopthepain.com/category/manipulation/

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER,  MANIPULATION
charming or Relationship Recycling?
March 9, 2012 / No Comments
“charming” is a misleading slang term that some use to suggest that a relationship partner can “suck us back into a relationship” after we break it off

Bon: Skip, over at BPDFamily.com, wrote this article about charming. I find it interesting and I go a bit of a chuckle out of the sentence: “Hope is not enough (on both sides).”

BPD News: Is it a “charm” or is it “Relationship Recycling”
9/01/2010 BPDFAMILY.COM 2 COMMENTS

The BPDFamily.com support group reports that “charming” is a misleading slang term that some use to suggest that a relationship partner can “suck us back into a relationship” after we break it off. “charming” in this context falsely implies a premeditated malicious effort to hurt their partner on the part of the person with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It also suggests that the partner is somewhat powerless to resist returning to the relationship.

This concept is in conflict with the primary characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder – most notably that people with the disorder are notoriously impulsive, weak and often too consumed in their own pain to be sensitive to others. This concept also suggests that someone has power over another that they could not possibly have.

Most likely what is happening is relationship recycling by both parties – breaking up, getting back, breaking up, getting back.

Relationship Recycling Takes Two

Excessive relationship recycling, or break-up/make-ups are common in some “BPD” relationships. 70% of our members having unsuccessful relationships report having had 4 or more break-up/make-ups. 23% report an unbelievable 10 or more.

Recycling is about both parties. The real dynamic is that both parties return to a place they feel is safer/easier than being apart. So, in effect, the couple struggles to work together and each struggles in weakness to be apart or alone.

Living with excessive recycling is an unhealthy place to be. When you repeatedly recycle, clearly something is very wrong.

Recycling can become the “norm” in a relationship. with both parties can becoming conditioned to it after a while. Accepting this “norm” is the ultimate boundary violation – you are not treating each other well – you are not treating yourself well.

If you have been through more than 3 break-up/make-ups in your relationship, it’s important to recognize that it is unlikely to get better if something doesn’t significantly change. Repeated recycling will not go away on its own. One person can’t fix it unilaterally (stop the breakups).

Is Recycling Always Unhealthy?

Not always. Let’s break this down. Sixty-two (62%) of relationships do not end at the first break-up. For a wife to have second thoughts about a divorce is normal. Sometimes our own self doubt makes us want to try one more time. Sometimes one partner promises to change something. To reconnect with a person after a break-up 1-2 times is really not all that unusual.

When there are more than 3-4 “break-up/make-up” cycles in a relationship there is something seriously wrong. And when this happens, the likelihood of a positive outcome are greatly diminished.

Why do we get caught up in cycles?

These are the questions we need to answer if we ever want the break-up/make-up cycle to end. Are we returning to this person because we are in love with them and the relationship has a chance, or are we returning to this person because they feel safe?

* Are we afraid to be alone?

* Do we have our own abandonment issues?

* Are we fearful that we cannot find someone as good as them again?

* Are we fearful of the next step (dating, financial issues, etc.)

Why do our “BPD” partners recycle?

It is hard for us to understand why our partner is expressing an interest after they left in a torrent of bad behavior (e.g., cheating, raging and telling us that we are a horrible people). “If they don’t love me, why this?” The answer is much of the same reasons as we have… plus a few others that are related to the disorder.

* Inability to deal with acute loneliness

* Severe insecurity / needing validation (from someone that highly values them)

* Shame / wanting to prove they are a good person (to us or themselves)

* Immaturity/Manipulation/Control – the break-up was just a way to get their way.

If You Want to Stay in the Relationship

The ability to end break-up/make-up cycles and stay in a relationship takes a deep commitment by both partners. This often means structured rehabilitation (counseling, workshops, classes, self-help programs, etc.).

If you are both open to restarting the relationship, remember the problem isn’t going to go away without work. Hope is not enough (on both sides).

You may believe that your partner has changed, will change, is sincere this time, will get into treatment if only you come back. They may believe that the you changed. But unless there is specific work on a serious level going on – don’t count on it.

If You Want to Exit in Relationship

The power to end the relationship and end the toxic break-up/make-up cycles lies with you… not your partner. Don’t avocate your responsibility here. It may be comforting to blame our partner – but it is simply denial on our part. This is a common problem in the last stage of BPD relationships. You need to step up and deal with it – as hard as it is. And, it is hard. Just look at these numbers of break-up/make-up cycles in a recent BPDFamily.com poll.

Number of break-up/make-up cycles
————————–
None
12.8% had 1-2 recycles before it ended (not unheathy)
14.9% had 3-5 recycles before it ended (unhealthy)
38.3% had 6 – 10 recycles before it ended (very unhealthy)
8.5% had 10 or more recycles before it ended (wow)
23.4% still haven’t broken up (still recycling)

If you are truly finished with the relationship, if you have expressed this to the ex and he/she continues to contact you, it is best to go to reduce your frequency, timing, and the personal nature of your communications (controlled contact) – possibly all the way to ending it (no contact). If you stop engaging the other person will usually move on. It’s not more complex than this.

Is He/She Sincere or is this just More Toxic Recycling?

Many of us spend much time trying to figure out if the attempted “re-engagement” is sincere by the other party.

To understand this, it’s important to understand the emotional make-up of someone with BPD. They are not crazy/insane – their behaviors are often predictable – especially if we understand the disorder and their history with us. So it is reasonable to accept that the person with BPD is sincere in wanting to reconnect. It is important to consider, however, that pwBPD can be highly impulsive and those impulses can change quickly. So sincerity is not the issue. The issue is whether the person with BPD (as well as you) can follow through with the commitment.

It’s also important to look at ourselves and question whether we are doing the same thing; often we are.

Author: Skip

Good point.

This is the article here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95860.0;all

You can find a lot helpful here at the source: Library: Tools and skills workshops (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0)

An excellent, helpful and fascinating article. Thanks for sharing! I’ll be curious to see people’s thoughts.

When I finally broke up with my first husband, there were no recycles. I’d had enough of the abuse: physical, emotional, verbal, financial. I was concerned how I’d manage on my own. I had a business, I live on acreage with gardens and livestock, and suddenly I was having to care for my mother with dementia.

But it all worked out. I realized that he hadn’t been contributing much and without dealing with his chaos, I had a lot more time and energy to take care of what was important.

Cat,
 Like many ip here you seem like such a strong person. I’m speechless thinking about all you had to endure. I had a great T session today and gained a lot of insight. I don’t know how you managed as you did with all that on your plate. I am thinking about that ‘strength’. My T opened my eyes today to the role of apologies: apologies of accountability (I’m sorry for how that must’ve made you feel) or childlike apologies (I’m sorry please forgive me).. My caution is raised a notch.
    She also gave me some ideas for how to phrase my concerns over lack of trust and to be a bit more forthright in representing we need to rebuild that first and foremost before other plans are made.
 It is so difficult to know what to do and I obviously am still a bit conflicted though tomorrow is ‘together’ time as my partner is not working. Hopefully we can discuss some ‘moving forward’ plans. I do see I’m definitely being idealized and that that obviously won’t last so I was encouraged to meet it head on with: ‘I know I’m not perfect but willing to work through our issues and be supportive etc.”
   Though our experiences aren’t exactly the same, I’m sure even though you did finally hit your ‘end of the rope’ still it must not have been easy and I’m sure there were times you thought,‘’ maybe he will change?’ I say this as it seems that is often the case with abuse, trauma bonds and hope.
 Thinking of you a bunch today and thank you for sharing.

After my ex's marriage imploded (mutual DV and conflict), I received the first apology, "I never should have left you!" She smirked when I predicted what would happen, "we'll see!" While she still lived with us in her double life.

Later I got a Christmas card wishing me the best, ending with, "I'm sorry I was too selfish to share in your happiness."

All. About. Her.

The closest I received was another time, "I'm sorry for all my wrongdoings."

While married, but separated, she asked to come back because she couldn't be without the kids anymore. By text. I shut that down, Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=134124.0) No analysis or discussion.

The last text I received from her husband late one night, apropos of nothing, was,  "I'm sorry I trespassed against you." Though my ex and I weren't married, so it wasn't really adultery, his was a real apology. It took him to suffer a lot to get there,  but couching it in biblical terms was something.

The point is that, as my T said, personalities don't typically change. Having raised two kids to 9 and almost 12, certain core traits were evident by 2 years of age or sooner.

Be mindful of who you are dealing with, an individual, not a diagnosis, but affected all the same. It doesn't mean that she's a bad person, just that she is who she is. If you're willing to give it a go, I suggest posting to the Bettering Board and digesting the lessons there, with comments from hundreds of members who've been where you are.

Turkish,
 Thank you for sharing and for your advice. Such feedback is not falling on deaf ears and I will put my messages on the bettering board. It is hard to know what to do. I wanted to respond just to thank you for the time being, but I’m going to digest your message a little more.
 As it stands she just asked me about therapy and I asked her if she was still into the couples counseling and she said yes. I know this doesn’t guarantee anything. Again thank you.

My T, whom my ex abandoned me to in order to get "fixed" wasn't a fan of my ex. She left after 2 sessions with him to pursue her newer, better life. Yet he told me later, "there's nothing wrong with being kind."

Turkish, I’m sorry I don’t totally understand:
 Did your ex leave you for the T? Was that what he meant by being’kind’? Sorry, I’m a little confused..

She left me for a 21 bouncer she met at a club while I was home with our kids. She was 31, and I was 41. She encouraged me to find a family therapist which I did. After one joint session and two individual sessions by by herself, she quit. She wasn't serious about therapy.

When is it unhealthy to try again?  It all depends on the circumstances.  At some point it can morph from giving it another chance to wandering into unhealthy territory.  This post came to mind.