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My BDP boyfriend broke up with me a week ago in a flurry of anger, writing cruel words and essentially kicked me out of the house we have lived in together for 6 months (he said I could sleep in his 11yr old daughter's room, while his daughter shared his bed, until I could find a new place to live). I left immediately to stay with friends.

A week later I needed to come back to collect some items, and he greeted me kindly, offering me tea, apologies, that he still loves me, and a heart-to-heart talk.

I'm very confused. This is our 3rd breakup while living together (its only been 6 months). How and why does he shape shift? I told him he needs to seek therapy, but I have not used the words borderline disorder. Should I tell him what I think he has? Should I simply walk away and let him figure out help?

Hi Mermaid, I'm sorry this is happening to you, we have all been there is one way or another.
I highly recommend looking at the psychology library here (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=45.0) It has a lot of bookmarked threads explaining the behaviors and has FAQs - it has been really helpful for me. The emotional dysregulation you describe is pretty typical.

There is also the tools and skills board to help you learn to deal with the pwBPD, should you choose to so that (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0)


How would you feel if someone told you that they think you have a mental illness?  Likely, not well. You'd get defensive or angry or hurt. Now image that from someone with the emotional dysregulation tendencies of a pwBPD?
I'd definitely encourage therapy, but leave the diagnosis to the professional
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

3 breakups in 6 months is not healthy and I personally would be in emotional turmoil (I realize I am not you but I feel for you!) You need to take care of the only person you can take care of - you.

Thank you for the links, very insightful. I am sad that getting him to understand and accept that he needs clinical help is not going to be straightforward. I understand the resistance to being labeled, and mental health does have a stigma.

His mother reached out to me to ask for a tel call. Am not sure how much of what I believe to be true I can transmit to her, whether she has a suspicion already.  Not sure at this point what to share and say or whether to leave it be.

Personally I am still reeling with the effects of the breakup and spending time healing and securing myself. I don't think I am willing or capable to take on the role of 'care-giver' that is described in the articles. He is a generous and loving person when he is well, but I have seen a side of him that makes me feel unsafe.

Well there is a bit to unpack here. Mermaid...I am sorry for the pain, hurt, and torment you have been going through and did go through. There is no eloquent way to put it other than it sucks.

Definitely do not tell him what you think he has. Not be mean or come down on you too hard, but you are not qualified to diagnose and additionally you would perhaps only damage him further. He may have some issues that are not BPD. Could be fear of intimacy, PTSD, etc. There is just no way to know. There could be something physically wrong with him he does not know, it could be neurological. Telling him he needs to seek therapy wasn't the worst thing, but it probably did instigate his anger more and put him on the defensive.

Unfortunately the stigma surrounding mental health issues is a real problem and even saying to someone they need to seek therapy can be quite damaging.

At least you are coming from a place of caring and empathy and I applaud you for that. However, something that is going to be hard to hear for you...your best course of action is probably to move on for your own sake (that is up to you though...if you go back into the fire you have to accept what you are dealing with and that you will be fighting an uphill battle). Additionally, it is not your responsibility to help him or get help for him. He has to do it all on his own. Perhaps your loss will spur him on to get help.

In the meantime...Mermaid I urge you to keep posting and use this resource. This is definitely a family here. Keep your head up.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Dear SC

Thank you for your thoughtful message, I appreciate what you wrote.

Indeed, I have come to the realization that I must set my own path to secure myself. I made plans to see friends for a week (ski trip) and have rented an apartment for January onwards. Going back into a home together under these circumstances is not healthy. I need to process the sadness and heartbreak I feel first.

A breakup is hard in any situation, let alone one where you begin to put pieces together that there is something bigger and more fundamentally challenging as a personality disorder. He has anxiety, trouble communicating his needs and he can get controlling when things don't go his way, needs to have a clean and tidy home. At times I felt controlled, overpowered by his sudden shifts in mood.

We had a good conversation yesterday, he apologized for what he did and it was healing to receive that. I simply replied, thank you and this conversation means a lot. And I expressed simply that he is a sensitive human being, and so am I. That the dynamic of miscommunication between us felt like microaggressions over-stimulating my nervous system and his. I applaud those in these kinds of relationships who have the stamina and emotional control over themselves to remain centered and be care-takers.

In the end, he has to seek out help for himself in a sustainable and committed fashion. And perhaps the loss of relationship spurs him to do that but it is not in my control. I was very sad when he told me that he had been to a therapist a few times in the past but didn't feel like he got the support he needed. There was a cry for help in his message and as someone who loves him still, it was hard to listen and just urge him to keep trying to find different avenues.

The tendency to want to intervene and help the other is high. But I realize that I am not out of the woods yet. Have been staying at a friend's place while he is away. I don't have all my things and am in limbo too. I have to get myself to solid ground first and foremost. What will happen after that is not something I can predict and I need to take it day by day.

I am at a loss as to what to respond to his mother. Her reach-out was kind, elegant and asking for a tel call to talk. I don't know if I am ready to do that and what I would say, or not say to her. To tell a mother you think her son has borderline would be quite a blow I can imagine. I will give myself some more time to center and decide.

Dear Mermaid,
I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. In a similar situation to yours. My partner broke up with me every 2-3 weeks. He was ideal partner in between episodes of rage and emotional abuse. I have masters in clinical psychology but have not worked in the field for 15years. However, some knowledge remains. Before I read the advice on this website I tried to make sense of what was happening. I am a quite a blunt person, so I told him after seeing him split a few times and how little or no awareness he had of himself or things he said that it looks like BPD to me. He owned up to disorganized attachment but got really angry when I tried to diagnose him. Understandably, so I would avoid doing this. I had to leave our home week before Christmas holidays. It is traumatic. He is now spiraling and bouncing back between blaming me for everything, to (latest update) admitting he might have mental illness and he is going to have an appointment with psychiatrist and start DBT in New Year. This might well be an attempt to get me to come back. I do not know. He might turn against me tomorrow. That’s the nature of his issues. I will go full no contact once my stuff is out of the house. And focus on my own healing. My heart breaks but I need to give myself that love which I gave him hoping he will get better. No oceans in the world can fill a bucket with a hole in it. Wish you strength..

Dear MaggieMisty,

I am sad to hear you have faced the same challenges in the lead up to Christmas. Its not easy to move out of the home you share is it? I too have limited my contact with my ex to only retrieving things from the house. I hope to conclude the process in the next 2 weeks.

When I went in yesterday to pick up somethings I was surprised by the soft, warm person I know who apologized, not the angry sullen faced person I had last seen. The interesting thing though is he never fully shared - why -. Why did you break up with me in such a cruel/rushed/impulsive way. Why did you let your feelings fester until blowing up was your only choice.

I'm sorry to read that your ex was breaking up with you every 2-3 weeks. Mine was showing rage/anger about once every 5 weeks and it was enough for me. We had 3 breakups in 6 months living together and it has been enough for me.

In the end, I decided to speak with his Mom. Our call was 45min and both of us crying. She hadn't been told by him how we broke up. He had simply said we had a bad fight and I left the house. What a lie! When I shared what had happened, she told me how ashamed and disappointed she is. I felt terrible, what a situation to be as a mother. I shared that I think he needs to talk to a professional, I refrained from using the words borderline but pointed to his anxiety, his mood swings, his lack of ability to handle stress. She agreed that she would urge him to seek the help he needs. In no way did she insinuate that I should go back to him, she hinted at other up/down episodes he has had in the past. And she was genuinely sad to lose me in his life. Was a very validating conversation. Interestingly, she said she wouldn't reach out to her son this week or next but let him come to her. My own Mom would have hopped on a plane half-way around the world if she had heard things about me. So now I am sad that he doesn't have anyone proactively reaching out to him. His chief complaint to me was 'not being seen or being heard' and that I was 'self absorbed'. If your own Mom doesn't reach out, who will?

In the end, we can't be accountable for our ex's and their illness while they take no responsibility and don't seek help sustainably. I wish he calls his best friend or his Mom, but I'm not sure he will.

Maggie, in your situation, the push/pull manipulation of short-term good behavior post breakup is I believe, simply a game to extract reaction/energy. Its someone unstable trying to provoke a reaction with an undertone of 'help me'. Adults know how to ask for help with consideration and not make strange demands.

Sadly, I've now read a few stories on the blog where the BDP partner has even started to go to therapy and then 3-4 sessions in stops attending. Change has to be a commitment and long-term. If only they would put the energy they put into breaking up to do something healthy for themselves...