BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone. This is my first post here. I have just started to suspect that my mother has borderline personality disorder.

She has always been unable to regulate her emotions, but I've never been able to label that trait as such until recently. She is still married to my father, but has historically always hated him and vented about it to me and my two sisters.

I've been to therapy before, and received help with managing my relationship with her. It's been a while since I've been back, and here is what triggered me to look back into therapy and also support online:

I have been very cautious with covid, considering my husband (who I actually do like, despite the example of my own parents!) is immunocompromised and my son (8) always has a tough time with respiratory illnesses. Both my mother and father know this, as I have been vigilant about holidays as well as grocery delivery, masks, vaccination etc.

Anyway, my daughter (7) was supposed to play in her first piano recital the Sunday before last. She had practiced for it for months, and was very well prepared. We were playing a duet, and she was playing a solo, too.

I had invited my parents to the recital, as they live in the next town over. They showed up at my house beforehand and my father was wearing a mask. He told me that he was going to keep it on inside because he had "a cold" and when I immediately asked if he had been tested, my mother interrupted to tell me that he was "FINE!" I was extremely suspicious, given that he looked absolutely horrible, and given the state of the world these days. I had home tests on hand, so I asked him to take one.

Of course it was positive. Given that I've been so vigilant about covid, and that they had been in my house for over half an hour, I didn't feel comfortable exposing the rest of the piano community, so we chose not to go. I was very, very upset that my daughter was going to have to suffer yet again because of someone else's choices. So, I very quickly made them leave my house.

My mother did not take kindly to this. She has since been giving me the silent treatment, and in a very blatant way. She called my older sister to say Merry Christmas but did not do the same for me. She has also commented happy, kind Christmas posts on both of my sisters' in law's Facebook pages, even though she fully well knows that I have had problems with them in the past as well as currently (this is a very obvious one, as I have spoken to her fairly recently about why I have issues with them both).

Anyway, all this to say, I strongly believe that she has bpd. It has felt like another piece in the puzzle of how I got to be the way I am today, and has made so much of my childhood and adolescence make sense. But, it's still painful and difficult to navigate. I think my life would be measurably better without her in it, but the prospect of that seems impossible.

Hi theexpected!  :hi:

Welcome to our online family! It's nice to have you join us, but of course I'm sorry for the reasons that brought you here. This is a community where we understand what it's like to have a pwBPD In your life. The effects upon us adult children has been so pivotal to who we are, and uncovering that is quite a journey. There are so many resources at our site to help you, right along with this board where we do our best to listen and share thoughts.


We certainly get this! When my uBPDm died, I went through a period of grief but I really didn't miss her, and I still don't. On occasion I miss a few things about her, but I wasn't able to begin to heal until after she died. I was so afraid of her, afraid of life and people. I struggled to learn to trust anyone, and I can certainly also grasp your frustration and the disappointment of the recent events with your mom.

Did all of you manage to stay healthy after the exposure? You did the right thing by focusing on you and your family by sending them home. It's never selfish to take care of you.

 :hug:
Wools

This is a big breach of trust, I am sorry your family had to cancel your piano recital because of your mother's entitlement. I hope you are all healthy and good.

I also only realized recently that my mother was most likely BPD. Five years ago, I moved away from my hometown and without even realizing it, I started to heal. When she was over visiting, I would be shaking, there would be outbursts, but I would be able to get back on my feet. Recently I went back home to get some help with my children, and everything came down. This time though, it's like a veil has been lifted from my eyes and I can see the unhealthy dynamics more clearly. This was four weeks ago, and I am still dealing with the emotional cost of this long visit. Like you I thought having help to navigate all those emotions would be a good thing and so far, it really was. This is a great community.

All this to say, from my own experience, when I can distance myself from the silence treatment my own BPD mother gives me, I often find they are blessing in disguise... Like a nice break to allow myself some deep introspection before reacting, if I react at all...

Also I wanted to say congratulations for having been able to hold true to yourself and put them out of your house. You stayed true to your boundaries and it's not an easy achievement. 

Welcome!  :hi:
 
I have also felt that not having my mother (and my disordered siblings) in my life was a prospect that seemed impossible, even as recently as last month. Well, I am happy to report that two years after discovering that my mother (and at least three siblings) have BPD, I have just gone through my first holiday season sans toxic family, and I have survived!

By a stroke of sheer luck I read the book Emotional Blackmail a couple of months ago and I used the mantra from the book, ‘I CAN stand it’, on a daily basis to get me through Thanksgiving. Thanks to that book I think I have acquired permanent immunity to the silent treatment, so I highly recommend it, and wish that that I had read it when I first began my journey two years ago.

Thank you all so much for your replies. It's a tough road, but like I mentioned, I think I feel slightly better for finally being able to label why I have always had so much tension in my relationship with her. And it's nice to be amongst people who understand, although I sure wish we didn't all feel the need to find ourselves here! Thanks again!

Also, we did all manage to stay healthy, for now! :)