BPDFamily.com

So I had posted back in September about having my heartbroken by someone who I suspect has bpd, or at least bpd traits. She resurfaced in September, reached out to me and we started talking. And I guess this will sound familiar to a lot of you, but I got sucked back in. We started texting non stop again, and it felt so good to feel validated after all those months of silence. I had felt so crazy, as if I had been erased and imagined our entire relationship, since she moved on instantly to a new person and refused to speak to me. So hearing her say that she missed me, that it meant a lot to her too, that she wanted to talk to me, I guess I went against my better judgment and got attached again.

Within about a month, she told me that her new relationship had fallen apart because she was so distracted by me and had "checked out". She told me she wanted to get back together, she just needed some time. A few weeks later, she instead got back together with him. Now they now have adopted a dog together and he's posting online all about their domestic bliss. I'm heartbroken all over again, and feel so stupid and also crazy. Who moves this quickly? How can someone change their mind so dramatically? Within a matter of weeks she switched from telling me he was "abusive" to saying she now wants to "explore things with him". A few weeks ago, she told me that things with him were "very uncertain", and now she has made a serious commitment of getting a dog together? She even lied about the dog to me. She told me she got it on her own. But he's been posting that they adopted it together.

I feel crazy, frustrated, hurt, all of it. I just wanted to share, although I know that my story is not unique on this board. The good feelings, the feeling of validation, were too much for me to resist.

Fear of abandonment + splitting seems to explain most of that.

Things probably weren't certain with the other guy, so she came back to you to use you as her safety net until things became secure with him. Although it also sounds like she was splitting him ("he's abusive", etc).

The one thing it wasn't, unfortunately, was proof that you are special to her.

How awful. Consider going no contact with her, at least for a while, so that you can heal and recover from this. It’s understandable how tired and hurt you are. She has proven how unstable and impulsive and irrational she is. Don’t worry, it will be chaos with the new person, too, and on and on until and unless she gets years of proper therapy. She won’t change, she can’t change, without the therapy. It’s the nature of this awful disorder.

Be very kind and patient to yourself. Learn as much as you can on here and about BPD, it will help. It’s like a drug addiction and you got an unexpected hit and now you’re in the withdrawal from it. Consider some therapy yourself for the trauma.

Don’t worry though, it’s not all rosy as it appears. I thought the same with my (ex?)wife, but of course next time I heard from her it was all chaos like always. She doesn’t have it all magically figured out. Life doesn’t work like that.

Social media can be toxic in this case. Anyone can post on there making things look rosy. I personally stopped using social media and it helped so much. She can still call or text you if there’s a real reason to contact you. Sadly, her new love interest will soon be in your shoes.

Take care of yourself and let me know if I can help somehow.

Thanks both. It helps a lot just to speak to people who have been through similar things.

She actually is in therapy, and has been for about 20 years. She had a pretty bad childhood with 2 parents who had personality disorders and neglected her. She knows she has issues, but def does not think its a disorder. Her therapy is not specific to BPD, it seems to be more like talk therapy. She definitely has some BPD traits, but not all of them. So who knows, and obviously I'm not the one to diagnose her.  

I'm also in therapy which has been a godsend. But it's still hard. One of the strangest things about this is that she is quite high functioning. I was very close friends with her for several years before anything romantic happened, and I had no clue of the chaos that was happening with her internally. So I've spent this year feeling like I'm crazy while everyone else cheers on her new relationship, and now new dog. I know that lots of people have rebound relationships, but she seems to have conflated their honeymoon period with some grander epiphany about her life. She associates him with happiness and me with negativity and pain. I can see everything I do being filtered through a negative lens.

It very much feels like addiction. It's especially hard because when she's not hurting me, she's a very charming, fun, smart person. I was close friends with her for a long time before we got involved romantically, and she was a really good friend to me. But she doesn't tell any of her friends what's really going on. In the past few months, feeling that fun person back again for a bit was really amazing. I almost started to think that maybe I could find a way to make it work, practice my communication and BPD skills, accept that she is this way and that there will be highs and lows. I wanted to do the work.

But now it feels like she just slipped through my fingers again and chose someone else. She tells me that I'm the most special, the closest thing she has to family, etc but because of all our history she finds it painful to be around me. This new guy is "easy" and fun and doesn't have the baggage that we do and that's what she wants right now. But is this not what will happen in any long term relationship? Doesn't everyone end up with baggage?

Thanks for letting me vent here. I feel like I'm starting over again with healing, and my therapist is off for the holidays.

There you go. You just described what's going on.

She associates you with everything negative - devaluation.

She associates him with fun and easy - she's in idolisation phase.

Eventually, he will become you and she will seek a new idolisation phase elsewhere.

Aka - BPD.

First, Grumpy kinda crushed this one out of the park by being so succinct. I am going to throw a little bit of humor in here and go Rebel Wilson style from Pitch Perfect "Crushed It"...saying this after she slid down the steps...hahaha. LOL. :-D

Anyway, now for a more serious response...Aero I am truly sorry you had to go through this junk. It is toxic sludge that truly does leave you feeling dejected.

Hey don't beat yourself up about it. She didn't choose someone over you. Wrong perspective. She chose an easier victim who she thinks she has more control over and will not leave her. Trust me on this. You are the good one here. She did you a solid...she released you. You are too good for her. Yes she used you, but not as intentionally as it may appear. You served her purpose in her time of need. The other guy will get served a royal toilet flush of time with her to. It is predictable. Do not fall for the facade that is social media. I will make this a point again...social media is a cancer so don't let it affect you. Not everything you see is as it appears in real life. Remember it is an attention grab and the ultimate in validation seeking. You don't need that crap. Social media typically preys upon those who are typically more narcissistic in nature anyway and it plays on their vanity.

You are hurt now but you have the capability of being better and way out of her league on an emotional and maturity level. Keep that in mind.

Please keep on posting and venting as much as necessary. How about we approach things moving forward with the intent on trying to build YOU up. Internal validation. Find your happiness from within.

Keep your head up.  |iiii

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Thanks GrumpyDonut and Sinister. I will really try to view it through that lens. There is no real "winning" here, I guess.

The new guy is definitely a narcissist, which has me contemplating all sorts of things. Do borderlines devalue narcissists in the same way as others? I'm wondering if somehow their crazy cancels itself out.

I guess it depends on the flavor of Borderline, some score higher on co-morbid narcissistic traits than others.

I speculate for a moment here but i believe the more narcissistic traits on both sides, the stronger the bonding fantasy becomes. (Simply because the bonding fantasy is based on a subconscious healing fantasy, which is shared in the victim/rescuer dynamic, the stronger the subconsciously held narcissistic wounds, the more powerful the bond)

I've been all over the place the past few weeks. I'll have a few days where I'll feel relatively good, but then I'll randomly start crying. Today I've just felt enormous anger. I'm furious at the situation, and how she seemingly gets away with treating people like this.

I guess it'll just take time to process what's happened the past few months. She reached out to me, spent 2 months telling me she might want to get back together, all the while hiding ALL of this from her boyfriend. Then changed her mind and gets to ride off into the sunset with him, and literally 2 weeks later they have a dog together. And I'm left here keeping my mouth shut while he posts every single day about their wonderful life together. it's so maddening. I haven't actually been looking at social media much, but now friends are sending me screenshots because they also think it's insane.

Maybe I'm being overly dramatic. She obviously has the right to be with whoever she wants. It just feels very disrespectful to brag about it to this degree. Particularly since I know she lied, or at least omitted a lot of relevant info, to this guy.

Hi aero0421,

Good that you are crying and also the anger.. let it out. it cleanses the soul.
Here is a thought that might alleviate the pain:
- If a person is really in love, would you think they would go and turn to their ex to try and reconcile and complain about that new relationship? Of course you wouldn't!  A person would be over the moon in love enjoying these months/years of bliss. so to me this is very unconvincing. There is nothing personal about that, it is the way she is not capable of consistency in love. It is just as hurtful to him as it is/was to you. Brings me to the next point:
- Imagine being him: being with someone that in the first months being together has contacted her ex about wanting to be together again and missing him.
THIS COULD AND WOULD BE YOU, if you were in his shoes. Only then she would do that with him ( or some other guy)
So your shoes aren't that bad. Their relationship is already contaminated and this will only get worse.
At least you are a bit further away from the situation and further out.
Keep walking away from the burning wreck, is my advice.
You will find love again, what you have just experienced is not personal. it is the bones she is made of.




 

Can you please elaborate on this?


I’d like to understand.   The language is above my head.

I feel your pain. My best advice would be to unfriend/unfollow/block her on social media and to ask your friends not to send you anything about her life. Your friends might mean well, but the more you know about her the worst you get. I know this by experience. Since I cut my ex from my Instagram and Facebook I've been slowly improving. I didn't block her number, and I can assure you that even the most innocent text from her sends me to a loop of obsession: why did she answer so late? who's she with? what does this choice of punctuation mean? This is often a symptom of wanting to get back to them. We are hurt, confused, and obsessed. So the best to do is not to feed the obsession.

About what your ex did. Think about how the relationship with this new guy is already filled with lies and adultery. The other guy is certainly not in a good place right now (and he won't be in the future). He basically sold his soul for a short time of bliss. He's already been cheated. Your ex is living in her own hell as well. She's drifting, unable to find solid ground, constantly dealing with guilt, shame, terror, and all those other feelings that overwhelm BPD's psyche. Do not be envious of them. You've been where the other guy is. Now that you can see it from the outside, you can get a clear picture of how dysfunctional it is. She's sick. And she will make you sick as long as you make yourself available.

Thanks everyone. You have made me feel a little better.

It's just hard to feel that way when she is telling me that she's really happy, that her relationship is getting serious and feels healthy and fun. She says she feels happy with her life. And meanwhile I'm here, devastated again. Maybe I am just fooling myself. Maybe she hasn't lost her mind, and she's just found someone better for her, and they'll be happy. My heart is broken.

I must reiterate - go no contact. 100% no contact - no talking to her, no looking at social media (block her!), no letting friends tell you she's happy, no asking about her. Focus on yourself and moving forward. You are eating yourself up ruminating about her supposed happiness without you and she's not worth it.

This is 100% spot on. Seeing it from the outside is a real eye opener, you just need to open your eyes and see the full picture, not the "oh she looks so happy" filter you have put on it - even if she thinks she is happy, there is no way the new guy is happy or will be for long.
And she's not happy despite her profession of happiness, not really. She's got some chemicals floating in her brain that make her feel good but they will wear off and she will realize this new guy is not perfect and all hell will break loose.

Please, I implore you - block her, tell your friends that under no circumstances do you want to hear her name, get a therapist if you can and focus on healing yourself.

Her happiness is a form of insanity and his happiness is due to a lie. That's why she keeps talking to you: because she knows where it all stands. And worse: she knows you are suffering and that you would take her back in a minute. At this moment, you are submissive to her (like I am to my ex). And it will go on as long as you hold on to the hope that your old relationship with the girl who once loved you will come back. It won't. It will never come back. Even if you had another not round with her, it would be a relationship with somebody who's no longer the girl you once knew. Let this "new girl" go and respect the "old one" by mourning the good things you have both been through.

You guys have been a real lifeline. I have therapy soon, so hopefully that will help. But I don't feel like I can talk to my friends about this; they're all tired of hearing about it.

It just feels like we've broken up all over again. I don't know how things can move so fast. a month ago, she said things were very uncertain and she didn't know what she wanted. 2 months ago, he was abusive and horrible. and now things are "serious" with him. I think I'll be sad for a long time.

Thanks again for your support. I deeply appreciate it.

She probably meant everything she said. They're are by nature inconsistent. If you think of this girl as mentally ill, the fact that she's inconsistent and impulsive won't seem weird at all. But, of course, because you love her, you're looking at her as the girl who once loved you. That's not her anymore. Don't be deceived into thinking that she's still there, because she's not. Yes, you will be sad for a long time. Think of the pain as the cure itself. You have everything on you to overcome this.

Focus on not contacting her anymore. And your friends... well, don't be afraid to bother them. No one is expecting you to feel good at this moment.

Does anyone have experience coping with all the regrets that come with a failed relationship? It's been about 8 months now since we initially broke up. As more time passes,  I can see a lot more clearly the mistakes I made. My partner was a difficult person with a lot of these traits. But I was being difficult, too.

I think a lot of it is because I wasn't in therapy until more recently, and this was my first big relationship in a while after spending a lot of time focused on my career. And I just didn't know how to communicate or compromise or diffuse situations. I perpetuated arguments instead of taking time to cool off, overreacted to stuff.

This time a year ago is when I sort of ruined it all. It was after she told me she had cheated on me, and I was angry and insecure. Which is obviously fair and valid. But I did still want our relationship. And looking back at old conversations, I can see how she was being relatively reasonable and trying to work on stuff with me. But I was acting crazy, being combative, not listening, saying I didn't know if I even wanted to be with her when I actually really did.

And that was the final blow. It did a lot of damage that wasn't recoverable. I wish i had had known then what I know now. I really do think things would have gone a lot differently. For me, falling in love like that is pretty rare. It's only happened to me a couple times. It's hard looking back and feeling like i messed something up that was really special to me.

Sorry for more venting. Just wondering if while trying to learn from relationships, others have dealt with these kinds of regrets.

Same here. I wasn't exactly easy on her either. For all I know, mine never cheated on me, but I still never trusted her and I always demanded her the kind of sanity and «normality» one is to expect in a relationship we wish to last. I was, most of the time, unsatisfied with her. I would start arguments about her lack of control with money, I would tell her that her lack of culture and dedication to her studies wouldn't take her far (she was studying theatre), I would frequently say to her that I didn't feel understood, that she lacked empathy, that our sex life had declined, that she was not present... You see, looking back, I'm well aware that I was not happy. And that's OK. It's not incompatible with wanting to go back and fix things, and it tells us that things didn't go wrong only because of them. It takes two to tango.

I suggest if you're feeling guilty take that guilty as a form of self-knowledge and not as blame for the end of the relationship. And, BPD or not, your ex might not have been the best fit for you. You were simply something wrong for each other. And you will love again. Your biology will make sure of that.

I'm still having a really hard time. I feel hopeless. I've been doing everything I can -- staying busy, seeing friends and family, working a lot. But I come home and just cry. I feel so rejected. I hate that she's happy and moved on, out having fun with someone new, and I'm still here like this, missing her, missing having a partner. 

I've been having really sad thoughts. I know I'm supposed to be independent, but being single is hard. It feels so hard to find someone that I like and likes me back, let alone being able to sustain it. I also don't think I'm even ready to date. It's a mess.

Hi Aero,

Right now you are feeling sad and lonely.. it is hard to endure, I know.  I am kind of where you are.
But don't be afraid...it is not that she (or anyone else)  is on the happy beam and you are not. Relationships in general are tricky. Relationships with a person with BPD ten times as tricky.
It is easy to idealise what is not there when you feel like this.
Stay strong.  :hug:

I’m so sorry. I know how you feel. I’m still in my relationship with my pwBPD but it feels unsustainable and there’s a big part of me that knows this is coming. I’d suggest just cutting off all contact with her. This is what I plan on doing if it happens that way with us. My bf is just such a huge liar about everything and I know the kinds of things he will tell people if we break up - what I’m quite sure he is probably telling people now. I know he will move on immediately to any of the half a dozen girls he regularly chats with (even though me chatting to anyone on social media is grounds for divorce). He will lie to the new girl too like he lied to me at the start about whose fault the previous failed relationships were. I fell for all these same lies he told me about his previous girlfriends and how they all cheated on him and how they were all so mean to him. I knew at the time that this wasn’t probably entirely true but I didn’t realize the true extent of it. Now I’m quite sure that he was the one that cheated on all his exes. I already caught him once setting up for a backup relationship in case ours fell apart and he cut off all contact with her once he was caught, but he’s still texting her from time to time as he does a few others that would be happy to pick him up the moment this relationship is done (he’s quite popular in his social scene and most people have no idea what he’s really like because he’s such a charmer and funny). The only people who know the truth are the girls he’s dated before and of course he paints them all as the bad guy and everyone believes him because he’s so good at playing the sweet guy who’s just had terrible luck with girls. I’m sure this is quite common with BPD but nothing is ever his fault and I just can’t get over how much completely lies to people all the time about what he does, whose fault things are… everything really. It’s unbelievable. He even does it in front of me in situations where he knows I know the truth because I was there. I can’t even understand how he can do it with a straight face. All I can chalk it up to is that he truly believes the lies as this is the only way he can live with himself. Now I’m stuck never being able to trust anything he says. So I think the best way is just rip the bandaid off and don’t let it pick up again. She may be telling you how wonderful this new relationship is but chances are she’s lying and she’s setting you up as a possible fall back situation just in case this relationship fails. This cycle will never end. If it isn’t you it will be someone else and when that relationship doesn’t work either she will fill go somewhere else. She sounds just like my guy - they will go wherever the sympathy is and once that is blown they will go back somewhere else to find the love and validation they need. Unfortunately with a lot of BPDers there isn’t enough love and validation in the world for them. Unless she is doing DBT and at least sometimes verbalizes the parts she is working on I don’t have a lot of faith. My bf is the same. He admits to having it but won’t do any work to address his behaviour and the longer it goes on the more I can see him building up denial about the whole thing and blaming it all back on me. Anyway I’m sorry. I just wanted you to know I understand and can relate ((HUGS)

I'm right where you are, man. Sort of. My ex contacted me on Monday to ask how I was. I replied in a courteous and somewhat distant fashion. She did the same, afterwards, and wished me well. I almost sure she's moving on in a similar way your's is.

It's not only pwBPD, but almost every dumper seem to move on rather quickly after the break-up (i.e. they find someone else). Bear in mind that when they break up with us they already have moved on. Going no contact is something you need to do for the sake of your sanity and self-respect. Don't underestimate the effect of self-respect on both your perception of yourself and your ex's perception of you. If, for any reason, she comes back, you don't want to be in a state in which you can't make a clear decision regarding the interaction you should have with her. You want to be stronger and less attached when you see her or just talk to her. You need to get your power back. Remember that, once upon a time, you were both equals, and now the break-up has brought a power imbalance that makes your ex see you as inferior - which will, in its turn, raise the attraction for the current guy she has. Don't give her that. I know this all might sound rather simplistic or machiavellian, but the dynamics of a break-up are rather different from that of a relationship. Us dumpers get stuck in the dynamics of the relationship, so we treat our dumpees in a way that only makes weak, sad, and sick.

I'm telling you this, but I am myself going through hell here. I also cry everyday on my way to work and on my way home. I can't even contemplate dating now. Like you, I've been keeping myself busy with work, gym, hobbies, friends, but, at the of the day, loneliness hits me so hard that I can't help but break down. Life's dull. It's really hard to foresee a happy a future for myself. But this is rather normal after being dumped. You're not alone. Maybe it's not worth much, but I'm in similar place. We'll eventually get out of this miserable place. We'll inevitably move on, just like they did.  

Back before I realized I was dealing with BPD and I used to try to reason with him, I asked him during an argument why he kept contacting/“sexting” old flames (or various random other people) and it was one of the few times I think I actually got a truthful answer from him. He yelled “because I’m so pathetic I’ll attach myself to anyone that smiles at me!” He also told me once in the early days when we first started dating that he “loved falling in love” and that he was “in love with love”. At the time he said it I remember it throwing up a kind of red flag in my mind like “yeah OK so you like the falling but not the working at a relationship part”, but I think now that I know what BPD is all about it is more than that. I wonder if BPDers can actually truly fall in love or whether they just love the idea that someone is in love with them, which is wonderful for them until they feel that you’ve taken it away (whether you have or not isn’t part of their reality). They love the idea that you love them and when they sense that you don’t love them anymore they just move on and pin their hopes on someone else because to them the idea of not being loved at all by anyone is just too much. Which leaves those of us who were truly in love with a person we thought existed completely devastated because we’ve lost that person, but to them, as long as they have love coming from somewhere they’re good. That’s why they seem so detached about it. Maybe they loved us in the only way they know how.
That’s not to say they don’t live with that devastation all the time themselves, but it is more of a fear of being alone/unloved by anyone, not an attachment to any one person like it is for us? I don’t know I’m just musing based on my experience. It sucks though whatever it is. I’m sorry

I really think that pwBPD just can't pass to a more mature stage of love because it feels to dull for them (and, if it is dull, the relationship won't serve them as distraction from their personal hell). But this is not exclusive to pwBPD. Far from that. Most people struggle with relationships past the «honeymoon phase». We all love to be in love. And since we don't have the church or the state to obliges to stay in a relationship (especially if there aren't any kids involved), break-ups become rather common. Now, pwBPD just don't seem to care if there are kids involved, or businesses involved, or whatever. They do exactly what most adults want to do but don't. And there's a good reason for that: most adults have self-control. So, while many people will feel what pwBPD feel, they won't act on it. We're dealing with people who are forever stuck in adolescence.

Yeah this is possible too, but my pwBPD doesn’t actually break up with people (surprisingly). He’ll say “this isn’t working” or “I’m not putting up with this” and storm out, but then he’ll always come back as if nothing has happened for the most part. For him I think he’ll hang on until he’s dumped and then he’ll jump to one of the people he’s lined up on the side. I suspect he would also carry on a relationship with one of the side people if the main relationship got too bad and then he might terminate the main one on his own if he thought it was doomed. But with him I suspect it is just about making sure he has love coming from somewhere not so much about being bored. For him it would be more about making himself feel better about his masculinity/sexual prowess if he didn’t feel like he was getting that from the main relationship and he would rationalize it as his partner’s fault. I suspect if I said any of the things that he says on a regular basis he would consider that a “dumping” though. He is very immature about relationships in many ways though but he also can be extremely caring so it’s very confusing

Yeah, this is a good point. She chose to leave me, and then it seems she felt a lot of relief. I had been putting a lot of pressure and acted controlling (to be fair - she cheated on me!). But I know these are her deep triggers, and she was anxious all the time, and so she just left. It's probably similar with other "dumpers", but maybe sped up a bit with bpd? Idk.

I think what's messing with me this time around - beyond reopening the wounds - is how she came back and seemed to feel really sad about me, and missing me. And then in the span of about a week, she was no longer sad. She was out having fun with this other guy again. Now she says she is "the happiest she has ever been" in her life. The divergence in our emotions is just a lot. I'm still here feeling crushed and ruminating. She associates this new guy with all these positive things -- she's bought a house, got a dog, she feels "stable" now and has a whole new life. These are all the things I had wanted with her, and been waiting for, for years. It just sucks. Sometimes I get flashbacks of how I used to be the centre of her world. It probably wasn't healthy. But it's so strange to think about now.

Sending my support to all of you. Thanks for sharing your stories with me. I'm glad I'm not alone.

It's not always the dumpers who move on quickly.  I was the dumper in my relationship.  I had to break up with her after she said and did about 10-12 awful things within a 3 week period, including some things she said about my 13yr old daughter, and my best friend's wife.  I had no exit plan, but I knew I couldn't put up with the things she did or said.  3 weeks after the breakup, she was scheduled to have a major surgery, and it was a few days after that when she reached out to me to shame me for not checking to see how she was after the surgery.  We were broken up, and she unfriended me on social media.  Why would I think it would be appropriate to check on her?  Then 2 of her friends reached out to me a few days later, and finally she and I were messaging between Christmas and New Years.  I just wanted to have a conversation with her in person to see if we could move past the things that upset each of us and possibly rekindle our relationship (we only dated for 2-1/2 months before the breakup, but it was an amazing 8 weeks followed by a tumultuous 3 weeks).  She said she was weak and sore from the surgery and wanted to focus on her health, but that we could talk after New Years.  On Jan 3 (5 weeks post breakup), she was already in a Facebook official new relationship with a new guy.  almost 4 weeks after that, I'm still thinking of what might have been, while she is enjoying her life to the fullest.

sorry GTS. I can certainly empathise. I guess some personalities, and it seems people with bpd traits, are able to (force themselves to?) move on rather than feel the pain. In my case, we were together 2.5 years. She had someone new within a week. It certainly seems more fun than being sad and grieving the loss.

I definitely think that BPD exacerbates the fear of being alone in the dumper. What it also does is eliminating all criteria for a new partner. So while many «healthy» people dump a partner for the sake of a better one, pwBPD dump a partner for anyone else that makes them feel liked. This usually does not go well for them, since their relationships tend to live fast and die young. I know it's difficult, but do not envy your ex-girlfriend. Do not envy her new boyfriend. Remember that he will go through hell the same as you did. Their relationship is time-bomb.

Now, I know it's hard. It's pretty awful to even imagine that person that loved us so much just giving the slightest romantic attention to another person. It seems counterintuitive, since many pwBPD are jealous beyond reason. In my case, I frequently torture myself with thoughts of my ex-girlfriend having sex with some other guy in the apartment we once shared, on the bed that used to be mine... you get the picture. It's hard. But I'm not making it easier. Last week, I relapsed because she contacted me saying she missed me. What followed? She scheduled a dinner with me that she postponed. Like and idiot, I used a friend's IG account to check on her life. Like an even bigger idiot, I didn't find anything obvious, but took the few clues I've found as proof that she doesn't care for me and that she has somebody else. Which, of course, might be true. But if I haven't checked her social media, I would be better.

I'm learning a lot from people's experiences on this website. One thing that scares me a lot is the aftereffect of checking on your ex's social media. It's clear that these pwBPD have no problem posting their newly found happiness, not caring the least for how bad and inconsiderate it may look. The best to do is obviously to keep away. Once again: the less you know, the better.   

Yeah that sounds about right. I remember reading that because they have such insecurities about themselves they tend to attach to anyone who shows them any kind of affection which validates their self esteem.

I have wondered this myself but I think that, as humans, they have the capability. It really just depends on how bad their defense mechanisms are, how bad the inner wounds that they are trying to hide/protect are and how strong those defense mechanisms are. And how much they need to have that external validation to feel like they are worthy of even just being alive.

If you look into attachment theory, it discusses how early childhood experiences basically inform later attachment styles. I think a huge part of most pwBPD (though not all) is that they had childhood experiences where they were emotionally neglected. pwBPD all have insecure attachments, as evidenced by the way they are in relationships. A lot of them have what's known as disorganized attachments which can cause them to relate others in a chaotic, unpredictable way and is the cause of a lot of the push/pull behavior. I actually have a disorganized attachment style myself, though mine has manifested in cPTSD and not BPD, sadly I can relate to the inner turmoil that causes the push/pull dynamic. A lot of it is due to self preservation - if they are feeling rejected all (whether justified or not), they will pull away to avoid the pain.

Something you wrote really struck me. Mourning the old one. In May my SO broke up out of the blue.  Right after an anniversary, etc. It never made sense, bc things were perfect and he was always saying this would not have happened if not for the problem (he may be thinking he has this); Other times he would get really upset that this problem ruined everything for him. He won't tell me the problem. But he said he couldn't be in a romantic relationship while this problem has a hold on him and Bring me down w him
At one point , he seemed to be resigned..like no hope. He feels, that counselors can't help him. He said something about mouring and he keeps talking about that time. Like he is distraught about the breakup. We were kinda back (non name situation). we never stopped talking and got back to seeing each other again...
Well he broke up again out of the blue, and more mad this time like he never got space he needed and he know how to fix this, and now it's all worse! (my fault). None of it went like that..but he's mad
But he says he needs to not seen me, no contact, etc bc he needs to get better and heal from how the first break up happened.!
Just the mourning things. Like he says this problem will be forever.Almost like in his clear moments he tries to gt me away.