BPDFamily.com

Hi!  :hi: First time poster here. I'm looking for insight on how to handle suicide threats from my BPD mom. My mom and I used to be closer when I was younger. She was a helicopter mom and invaded my boundaries constantly growing up. Since I've graduated college and branched out on my own, she's slowly started unraveling since she sensed she's losing control, and her BPD has gotten progressively worse as she's aged. She used to have boyfriends/partners, but now she lives alone in the middle of nowhere and has completely isolated herself, so I do worry about her.

 :caution: These descriptions might be triggering for some! Please don't continue if it might trigger!

I've started setting more boundaries with my mom this year, but as a result--I haven't been able to visit with her as much as I normally do (because every time I was considering seeing her, she called me a ****, started being verbally abusive, and basically reminded me that I shouldn't see her very often). I haven't visited my mom in about five months now whereas I used to visit her every other month (it's definitely brought me some peace not seeing her as much), and she has noticed me establishing distance lately and has clearly expressed that she's NOT HAPPY! She's threatened to "find who my therapist is and sue/call the police on them because they're ruining our family". My therapist has been so helpful and I would be furious if she somehow contacted them. I was going to drive to my mom's state to visit her for Christmas, but I got COVID and had to isolate over the holiday. (I think I subconsciously wanted to avoid her, lol.) She obviously freaked out and blamed it on me.

Last month, she invited me to go on vacation with her to Mexico. But I didn't want to possibly get stranded in a foreign country with her during a pandemic, so I said no. She then threatened to commit suicide if I didn't go on vacation with her to Mexico. Every time she threatens suicide, it throws me for an emotional rollercoaster. I've been getting better at recognizing that most of it is just manipulation unfortunately, and I'm getting better at managing my reaction. I obviously didn't go to Mexico with her, but she went alone and had such a great time being pampered at a resort down there that she decided she wants to move there. She told me that she wants to sell her things, move to Mexico, spend all her money, and then "drive to a funeral home and shoot herself in the head in front of the funeral home". It was honestly traumatizing to hear this information. I was more depressed than usual for a couple days after she told me this. But she was telling me her suicide plan as if it was funny/exciting. It was bizarre and I'm inclined to believe it on some level.

This weekend, I was planning to visit her for about five days and I am really dreading it. But I haven't seen her in five months and used to visit with her a lot more frequently. I honestly feel like my life has gotten harder with her since I've started establishing boundaries and creating a distance.

I was on the phone with her this evening because I was telling her that I'm planning to drive to her house on New Years Day since I've not recovered from COVID yet (kind of true--I'm just tired and don't have it in me to see her yet). She was upset because she wants me to leave early tomorrow morning. I told her again that I am going to leave New Years Day. She absolutely lost it and told me that "I don't care about her" and she started crying and ranting about how no one talks to her anymore, and told me not to worry about her because she's "going to buy a gun and shoot herself". I told her that I was going to call the police to do a wellness check if she's serious about suicide, and then I told her that I can't listen to her ranting and am going to hang up. Am I supposed to just sit there and listen to her rant in pure agony? I don't have unlimited empathy for her and it's extremely draining for me to hear.

I'm worried about her, but I worry that calling the police to do a wellness check on her might escalate things. I called her back a little later and she assured me that she's "not going to kill herself tonight but she doesn't want to live and she might at some point". She then sent me about 50 text messages in the span of 10 minutes telling me to "call her right now" over and over again.

How do you deal with a future suicidal threat? Should I just call for a wellness check? I'm dreading this visit. My therapist says five days is far too long to spend with her, which is probably true. I'm usually depressed for days after visiting my mother if her antics are high during our visit. Earlier this year, we had a screaming match and she tried to stab me with a pool cue. I was emotionally exhausted for days after that fight, and I don't want to continue on like this. I can say that her behavior is much more tolerable and she can be somewhat pleasant to be around when I walk on egg shells and try to appease her (which I don't want to do anymore). But when I set boundaries and protect myself, she is an absolute nightmare.

I reached out to my grandma today to tell her what my mother told me about shooting herself in front of a funeral home, but I don't know if I should have shared that. I just want someone else close to her to know that she needs serious help. Any advice would be appreciated! Thank you!

Hi splendidvelcro  :hi:

Welcome ! I'm also new here and find this forum to be very helpful as the members are really supportive.

Thank you for being brave and courageous by sharing with us here. I am terribly sorry for what you're going through right now : (

I'm not sure if I can give any useful advice regarding your situation, but I think you did right by sharing the news with your grandmother.

I really hope things will get better soon for you. Sending loads of love your way  :heart:

Hi !

I am sorry you are going through this. My own uBPDm has also told me numerous time she would kill herself when her boyfriend dies and as a mother myself, I am now aware this is not the kind of thing a healthy mother would ever lay in her children's shoulders.

I think deep down, they are in pain, but yes, they do use this kind of threats to get attention and reel us back in. It is especially hard, since we can never be completely sure if they will actually go ahead and do it or not.

I personally think you were wise to ask for help from other family members. You shouldn't be carrying this weight by yourself.

Someone told me recently, after my own brother made a suicidal attempt, that I should start distancing myself from it. Not in a "I don't care at all" way but just to stop feeling responsible for him. He has taken this from our mother and has made two other threats since his attempt. He was diagnosed as bipolar and he just gets really down. I tried to support him, and I do it as much as I can, but it's a lot, so I just keep encouraging him to seek help in therapy. Same with my mother.  I just don't think they truly realize the weight those threats carry ... I try to see those as a clumsy call for help.

But yeah ... Trying to distance myself from those threats, to see that they are not about me, helped me cope with them better, although I am still scared of them. Again, from my own experience, it was wise to put someone else in the loop, especially since you seem to be an only child?

My heart goes out to you. Hugs.

Thank you for the replies! I told my grandma and my mom's cousin about my mom's suicide threats, and it felt good to have someone else know this and definitely reduces the burden a little bit at least.

I'm going to do my best to sort of mentally distance myself so I don't feel responsible for her. It is a lot... I truly appreciate the responses! :)

I'm so sorry too that you are going through this and can relate. My dad died in October - it was traumatic as it was just my mother and I with him at the end. My mum has been absolutely technicolour in her uBPD since his death and on Christmas morning was suicidal but since she did this a lot when we were kids (and then we believed her and it was terrifying) I know it is just a cry for help. I didn't spend Christmas with her for my own mental health but it was seen as an abandonment and she spent it with a friend, she ignored my calls all day (my Christmas laced with worry) and then after being life and soul of the party was fully recovered from any intention to kill herself. I think she wanted me to worry about her all day as a way of keeping us connected - if that makes sense. She knows that if she threatens I will take it seriously and will keep checking on her - no chance of abandonment then.

I'm glad you have confided in family. I now have my brother, after healing a rift caused by her that kept us apart for 14 years. It's wonderful to be able to share the burden but also sometimes laugh at the shear craziness of her behaviour. I don't doubt she is terrific pain when she is threatening, and I feel that pain because despite everything I love her. Like weather systems the pain passes through (usually someone comes along and tells her she is wonderful) and then I feel duped because I really was worried for her and I am expected to shrug off the threats.

Look after yourself  :hug: