BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

As far as I know, she's still with the person she cheated on me with. 2 years, and they're still together...where's the dysfunction? Where's my justice?

There is so much anger in me. Anger at her, anger at the situation, anger at the world. I'm posting this so I don't spiral into an angry void.

I know it can feel like your hearth is being put into a blender.

Sometimes it takes a while... We had 2 to 3 good years, with some rough spots. And perhaps i was too focused on her childhood and using that as an explanation to really not having to see the whole picture. Only after that it started getting some deeper vibes that more was going on, she got diagnosed and worked through her therapy, yet a lot of things were going on behind my back that i did not know about. And i think the 4 year mark is when things really started to become really painful.

Various factors can influence how fast it progresses, self-awareness and in/co-dependance levels on both sides being key. But it will progress...

I am sorry that two years later, it still causes you so much pain. I understand though, BPD people can be so wonderful and full of so much potential, they enact our dreams seemingly without any effort, they seem to know us more than we do. And it is extremely hard to let this bond die.

What i try and do if i feel that anger coming up is ask what emotion sits unresolved underneath it.

The relationship wasn't fair - for neither party. Nobody is winning this game. Partners are left behind with so much work to do on themselves, but we do it. The BPD seemingly is winning with this new relationship, but by being in it they are still on the run from themselves, and bound to repeat their cycle.

"The relationship wasn't fair - for neither party. Nobody is winning this game. Partners are left behind with so much work to do on themselves, but we do it. The BPD seemingly is winning with this new relationship, but by being in it they are still on the run from themselves, and bound to repeat their cycle." - I couldn't have said it better myself. I have echoed these sentiments many times here on this board. Thank you ACW, your perspective and experience are very valuable to this board.

Grumpy, your justice should be you focusing on you and living well. The best revenge and justice to those who wrong us is getting better, doing better, and living well. For example, I refuse to let anyone have any power over me. I bow to NO ONE! People who do crappy things...I let the universe handle them and I dispose of those people in my life. Why? If you are not a positive influence and you are not bringing something to the table for me and enhancing my life I have no time for you. You do not get the privilege of having me in your life. Its real simple...I treat others well and my only expectation is decency. Show reciprocity and respect. If something is one sided and the other party cannot understand or is unwilling to meet you half way then hey wish them well in their future endeavors and move on. Not enough time in the world to waste on those people. You have to remove the blockades which prevent better people and opportunities from entering your life. 

Instead of the viewpoint what happened to you, focus on why it happened for you.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

being cheated on (double whammy when you are left for that person) can leave a deep wound. i have some idea of how it feels; it happened to me.

untreated, that wound can fester, and grow, and become permanent.


anger is, of course, a valid feeling, especially when someone treats us badly.

anger is also often a cover for a wound to our self esteem.

there is no external antidote when that is the case.

in other words grumpy, justice, karma, whatever you or anyone wants to call it, arent going to heal that wound. if their relationship collapsed tomorrow, it might feel good, it might be some vindication, but its not going to fix a broken heart.

Detaching is really just a matter of letting go. there is, of course, a great deal more to it, but in essence, it is letting go of the attachment...to the person, to the feelings, to the memories, to all of the actions, good and bad.

on some level you are attached to two ideas:

1. her cheating is a reflection of you
2. her future success or failure is a reflection of you

this is a pretty natural reaction, but its a distortion.

cheating is an act of cowardice and weak will that is a reflection of that person and who they are. it says nothing about the person who is cheated on. dont get me wrong; in my own case, i can understand why my ex cheated on me (i emotionally abandoned the relationship) but that neither excuses her cheating, or makes the fact that she cheated my "fault" or about me as a person.

easy to say, i know. you probably understand this intellectually, but are struggling to internalize it.

the second part is perhaps more difficult in some ways. and its more difficult because of the nature of our attachment. we gave someone the power to make us feel so high, and then so low.

think about it. before this, you probably never gave much thought if any to whether another exs next relationship succeeded or failed.

the hard thing is that people do bad things to others all the time and never pay any price, or at least one that is visible to anyone else. ideally, many (not all and far from it) learn from that and change/adjust their behavior. plenty of others justify it, continue doing it, or are even oblivious about it.

what would justice in this case look like? if she owned her behavior, made amends to you, and never did it again, would that be justice?

if not, consider that this may be about more than justice. it may be about a broken heart.

i dont say any of that to step on your anger, grumpy, far from it. i say it to suggest that you harness that anger and redirect it in a more productive direction, over the things you have control over.

letting go of the things we have no control over can be incredibly freeing.

I guess it is hard to just look at one independent fact. eg. Cheating.

I know you understand her "reason" for cheating. eg. emotional withdrawal. Happened to me to for the same reason.
But that withdrawal doesn't come just like that, it runs back to earlier events and painful moments that all build up.

Somehow deep down we all have the internalized reflex to blame ourselves for the wrongdoings of others, which is conveniently compatible with the hard to phantom relational chaos we face in a bpd environment. eg. I used to blame myself for that emotional withdrawal, assuming that she would not have cheated if i would have been emotionally available.

And that's really funny in a way, cause while we rationalize and moralize all that, apply logic to it. for a BPD, it is just the feels on wheels. so: THERE IS NO LOGICAL REASON her cheating came about, so also no reason that it says anything about you.

I want this to happen. I want her to fall to pieces purely out of justice. You shouldn't be able to rip someone's life apart and prosper. Cheating, imo, should be a crime enforced by law. It's one of the most emotionally damaging things, yet it goes unpunished.


Yes, true. But also 3. You shouldn't be able to do these sorts of things and get away with it.


When I treat others well, I get walked all over, haha. But I appreciate your post, as always.

I subscribe to a newsletter from the guy who does the "New mindset, who dis" podcast.  I think today's newsletter hits this right on the head. In part, he sys:
Whatever the reason was that your relationship didn’t work out, that "stuff" doesn't just disappear overnight.
Someone who hops from a relationship with you right into another is followed by their issues.
Sure, there’s the off-chance they met that one person who changed them in the blink of an eye but more than likely their baggage is still there, they haven't changed and their issues are still their issues.
So don’t go to a place of "Why couldn’t they have changed for me? I wasn’t enough for them to want more?"
Don’t go there because that probably isn't true. They probably haven't changed

He goes on to talk about putting relationships in a "Yes/No/Maybe" category and looking at facts. I won't copy that, but he ends with this:

Look to the facts.
You deserve a maybe that turns to a yes because their actions and words align. You deserve potential that doesn't just remain potential.
You deserve a YES because you're both on the same page

Anyway, I thought it was interesting and timely. And a good reminder that just because your ex seems good, it doesn't mean she is good. She could still be with the new guy because he is much more codependent or more of an enabler or more pliable to her demands. Who knows?  Its no reflection on you, its a reflection of her level of dysfunctionality with the new guy and you just have to remember you don't want to be there.