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Today I was telling my boyfriend about my two nephews and how they had a huge accomplishment in hockey. I was saying how proud I was of them and what a big deal this was.

He immediately put it down by saying “well, it’s because their parents are rich”. I explained to him that my sister is hardly rich and that’s not at all the reason for their accomplishment. Then he said “well, it’s because they had a supportive family who drove them to practise and made sacrifices for them”

I tried to explain that they were successful because they worked very hard and practised all the time- not because of their circumstances. I was getting frustrated and asked him why he had to be so negative, and he answered that he was jealous that he never got those opportunities and that it “must be nice”.

Keep in mind, he’s in his 30s and never expressed any interest in hockey…but somehow felt invalidated by my teenage nephews.

Does this have something to do with BPD? I notice it a lot: anyone else success is because they are at an advantage or privileged in some way, and his or my success is because we work hard and “beat the odds”.

Is there anything I can do to help curb this reaction? Or make him see that other people work just as hard as we do and their success is not a threat or not something to be envious of?

Thanks for reading!

Hi I can relate to this. I am a piano teacher and my wife is jealous that I had the opportunity to learn to play the piano as a child. She is also jealous of my students for having this opportunity. For the past few years she has said she doesn’t want me to play the piano because it’s not fair that she can’t! But recently since joining the forum I’ve said to her that I will be playing the piano for pleasure, because I enjoy it. And she is also learning a bit from me. This is huge progress. It always annoyed me how she’d say, “your students are so privileged it’s so unfair!” I’d be like, “you’re married to a piano teacher! You can have a lesson every day if you like!” But she was too impatient. Hopefully she’ll stick with it this time.

it could be both. bpd, generally speaking, is synonymous with emotional immaturity. it necessarily means your coping skills are not the greatest. it means you may be overly self referential, easily triggered, and have a difficult time distinguishing that.

its not in the DSM book for traits of BPD, so its not something i would extrapolate.


he told you with (frankly) unusual clarity what the somehow was:


while this is pretty sensitive, we have all been there. ever been on facebook and seen someone you were jealous of? we take someone elses success or good times personally. thats what he was doing.


the simplest answer i can give is that this is not something about him that i would try to change. its a sore spot for him. it also has to do with his world view. arguing that with him and why he is wrong to feel that way will accomplish very little but making you feel more frustrated, and both of you will come out of those encounters feeling misunderstood and further apart.

in terms of navigating with a sensitive partner, its best to recognize sore spots, and both understand where they are coming from, and try to redirect. in this case, you were just trying to share news about your family and he made it about him. sometimes its as simple as gently stepping over that. sometimes its worth gently inquiring about ("why do you have to be so negative" can be a little bit accusatory, but along those lines"). sometimes its just a bad mood, and the wrong time.