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Just wanted to share this to see if someone has some advice or if someone has been through something similar.

My uBPD W has a complicated relationship to social media pictures of her (and pictures of her in general really). She has a need to express herself visually through pictures but is really hard on herself, I can't be sure which pictures she will love or hate except obvious ones.

Now for some time she has been anxious about her profile picture on social media and she wants my help to take a new one as she doesn't want it to be a selfie. We've been through this before and photo shoots might take hours or days (or weeks?) depending on how you see it. Now the first hour I'm fine but later I get easily irritated and frustrated because its physically and mentally tiring and our kids and I has needs too. It gets especially hard when she starts criticizing me for not making her feel relaxed and not loving her. She says its my fault it takes so much time, that if I had been kind and loving we would have gotten a great pictures in minutes. And she criticizes me for saying she's pretty when she's actually fake smiling. etc. etc.

She then spends hours watching a picture she somewhat likes, she uploads it to social media but later deletes it and uploads her old picture again because the new picture did not make her happy. So next day another photo shoot and this time the process of devaluing me is faster, and my attitude isn't that great either to begin with so that's triggering. We end up fighting and reconciling and now there's a better chance at succeeding.

Yesterday she was very happy with a picture we took after we reconciled and she appreciated my help. Now I'm at work and I see she has updated her profile picture to a selfie she probably took today or yesterday, so I bet she wasn't happy with the new picture I helped her with after all. It's a gamble what attitude she will have towards me when I come home, I can expect anything.

I really don't know what is expected of me as a partner, how much should I help her with this to begin with? 

You know it isn’t about the photo. It’s that people with BPD have an unstable self image and they futilely hope that changing externals will make them feel better. And it never does. Not for any length of time.

How much to help? I’d quit as soon as I felt she was devaluating my assistance.

I have thankfully never had the honour of being asked to take a profile picture, but my wife also hates most of the pictures I ever take of her and blames me for this. It’s usually “you’ve made me look fat”. I’ve learnt not to argue with her about how she feels about her looks. Cat, I agree. I am finally learning from you and the others this attitude, “if you don’t like it then do it yourself…” My wife is amazingly in a better mood generally, when I’m not bending over backwards trying to please her.

it might or might not surprise you to know that virtually anyone active on social media is pretty picky about what they put out there, and especially the pictures they post.

im really not a selfie guy, but when i take one, it takes me around a dozen to feel i "got it right".

so your wife likes to express herself through taking pictures, and she wants you to be a part of that. so far so good, right?

i think that spending hours on this is pretty unreasonable to ask of anyone, including a spouse. people get paid huge amounts to take pictures. its work. and for literally hours?

im not telling you to send your wife a bill.

the next time that it comes up, set reasonable limits on how long you want to spend doing this (a half hour, an hour, two hours, whatever youre comfortable with). assume that shes going to be anxious and a bit perfectionist about the pictures...you cant help that.

failing that, she or you or the both of you can hire a professional.

I tried telling her it would feel much less stressful if she asked me and make me feel like she respects my time, which in turn would make my attitude much more positive.

Her response is that if I have the right attitude and don't view her as a problem, it would take 15 minutes max, so it's up to me if I want it to be quick or not. She also tells me I should tell her things like "don't stress, we have time, don't worry, we can spend the whole evening with this, it's not a problem for me" because that would make her calm and relaxed and relieve the pressure she feels . For her that's true love and this could be quality time we spend together as a couple. Hard to argue with that isn't it?

Well for now she's satisfied with the selfie she took on her own. On to other problems instead.  |---> :caution:

My uBPDw spends about six hours a day on Instagram. She changes her picture frequently and her bio. She thinks that if she gets the bio right she'll suddenly be appreciated and be happy. She can spend two hours on one post and then delete it. Instagram is the biggest trigger for her. Before discovering BPD I would tell her off for being on social media so much. Now I just let her get on with it. It doesn't affect me too much now. She asks for advice on the wording of posts and I give it, gently.