BPDFamily.com

It seems every time I come back on here, some new groundbreaking even happened.  Where do I start.

My exbpd is in jail.  His charges..
Capias served on Assault causes bodily injury Family Violence. (Adult Misdemeanor)
Violation on protective order (Adult Misdemeanor)
Possessing a controlled substance in penalty group 1 (Adult Felony)
Terroristic Threat Causing Fear or Imminent SBI (Adult Felony)

He is going to have a mental health evaluation done while he is being held in jail and he has a court date set for January 31 and current bond is $43,500.

I am in the processing of information gathering all my documents needed in order to file for a divorce.  I am getting help with an advocate agency to file everything.  I am trying my best to get it all gathered before my ex gets bonded out or released on probation.  If I can get it filed while he is in jail, the least likely hood that he can contest it.

The other personal issues is my life have taken a back seat right now.  Within the next couple of weeks my main goal is to finish collecting all the paperwork I need for the divorce and getting everything together to file taxes.  I have the perfect opportunity to do all of this while my ex is in jail and can't contest any of it.  Anything else in my life, I will have to figure out once I get the important items completed.

Definitely strike while the iron is hot here. I can't imagine that you wouldn't get a speedy divorce under these circumstances. Glad there's an advocacy agency to help. I thank God every day for mine. I told my T I considered framing the letter from the legal aid lawyer telling me my divorce was completely final lol.

What are the chances he can come up with the money for bond, or a defense attorney for the charges plus a family attorney to contest the divorce? Even if he can contest it, these are serious felony charges that demonstrate his instability and the danger he poses to you and your kids.

What is imminent SBI? Serious bodily injury, I guess?

I think I will have my divorce laminated and treasure LOL.  Will have put so much work into it.

I highly doubt he can come up with any money to bond out & especially with four charges and two are felony.  His own mother reached out to me to get his address to file a PO against him.  He couldn't even afford to pay for supervised visits with the boys.  I think he currently has a court appointed defense attorney.  There wouldn't be any way he can afford a defense attorney, money to bond out, and a family lawyer.  Where I live, if he gets one more felony, he could face life in prison.

With everything pending in court, my PO, the violation of the PO, all of my text message evidence via court monitored app, I don't see how this wouldn't be a swift divorce.  He keeps mounting up evidence against himself that he is a danger to everyone.

Seriously bodily injury, yes.  He made death threats against my parents, his mom and grandma, and threatened people I use to hang out with he thought was incognito with.

And this year you will get your taxes filed first and shouldn't have to worry about him claiming a child credit/deduction before you.

Keep us posted. Perhaps getting the divorce moved along it may open doors for you or clear some blockages. Yes, I am being optimistic here. You do need to have perspective here. The divorce has been a long time coming and while it may not appear that it will do much I offer up that perhaps it is the catalyst you needed.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

My pwBPD ex did most of the above on video (no drugs, though). She gets full custody with child support. Consider yourself lucky the laws actually apply to your ex.

Do you have a clear understanding of the documents you need to gather?  Have you been able to communicate with your divorce attorney yet?

How did you find out about the threats he was making?

So glad he is in jail and you are safe.  I think the "finish line" is close.

Best,

FF

Yes.  I have been getting together all of the paperwork I need to file taxes.  I am waiting for some W2s to come in and hopefully I will get them before end of the month.
I honestly believe I would of been able to get the divorce last year if I was able to get a legal assistance.  This advocacy group is going to get everything I need filed.  If I do need to hire a lawyer, hopefully it will be cheap because I already prepared the paperwork and got it filed.
I'm so sorry that happened!  That is terrible and a serious injustice.  I have definitely had my run ins with unfair court process in the past.

I have been communicating with the legal aid and they gave me clear instructions on what is need.  Today I finished collecting and scanning everything they have requested. 

I'm not sure which threats warranted an arrest, but he made death threats to my parents (they sent me screenshots) and then he threatened people I haven't talked to in years through a Facebook group chat. (I have him blocked so I am suspicious if somebody helped him)

I am hoping they keep him in jail.  He has a court hearing at the end of the month and I constantly pray they don't let him out. 

I also found out yesterday that his dog was shot by the cops.  What I was told is when they went to arrest him, his dog attacked the K9 unit and the cops had to shoot him.  It's a tragedy that the dog died. I'm not going to tell the boys yet.  S11 was devastated when I told him the other dog died.  His mental stability was fractured before, but probably witnessing his dog get killed.. that might of been the last snap.  I'm in new dangerous territory.  I no longer know what he is capable of doing.  Things have never gotten this bad for him and that makes him a real threat.

UPDATE on events

I received a call from the DA from the city my exbph is locked up in.  They are doing a mental health evaluation at the end of the month.  She asked me if I was the victim and I said yes.  She asked me to get the Victim Impact Statement sent in so they can add it to the file.  She was asking me other questions and I gave her a brief oversight.  I was more than happy to provide her with all the documentation that I had sent to the advocacy group to show his mental state.  Ranging from the protective order, the insane rambling, death threats to my parents, threatening to kill himself, all the awful things he said about the kids, telling her he used cocaine. 

She asked me if I got a divorce and I said I have been trying to, but I can't afford a personal attorney and I haven't been able to get legal help until just recently.  Even she said that with everything he has pending against him, she doesn't see why I would be able to get a swift divorce granted.  I am praying.

I also start a new job on Monday, cleaning houses.  I'm stressed because I am out of money, I am still waiting food assistance, and I have until the end of February before my current rent help runs out.  The upside is that they do pay increases fast.  It's not glamorous and most would look at the pay and scoff, but for my situation, it has become a blessing.  I have also left behind the not so safe money making job from "dating".

I have also stepped away from a very negative friend who I have realized that if I had listened to her even half of the time, I wouldn't of made it this far.  For the first time in a long time, I can actually physically feel that I am on the right path.  I'm not a religious person, but I feel that a greater force is pulling me in the direction I am going, letting me know to keep working hard, be a good person, have faith and keep moving forward.

Frankee

I'm so proud of you.  I'm seeing someone that is no longer "stuck".  Able to think through different relationships and options (even options that don't appear pleasant)...and forging a path best for you!

Keep up the good work!

Best,

FF

You are ridding yourself of toxic people and toxic situations.   :wee:  You’ve found a path forward, though it’s difficult, that will sustain you and open up to a brighter future.

So happy for you!  You are moving in the right direction!

Keep in mind that you may experience some not-so-good feelings too - maybe sadness at times, compassion for him at times, maybe some loneliness or regret.  These all tend to creep in AFTER the imminent danger is gone - after you've moved past the important things like getting a divorce, and getting a new job.  And maybe you won't feel these things at all!  That's ok too.  Hang in there, and keep coming back here for support.

Proud of you, Frankee :wee:

You're strong and you keep going forward even though it's really hard. You're evaluating things and making choices that work best for you.

What happens after the mental health evaluation? Will you be notified of the results?

Joining my team here and saying I am damn proud of you Frankee. Keep yourself on this path. Also, definitely keep us updated. Happy to see progress.

Cheers and best wishes!  |iiii :hug:

-SC-

Thank you for the kind words.  I realized it has been about 2 months since I have last been on here.  Since I have started my new job, I have found the time passes by faster.  I have periodically checked the court records and inmate search to see if he is still in jail.  His bond his is currently $54.5k.  I think it is safe to safe he will not be getting out anytime soon.

I finally heard from the legal aid assistance people and they are working on getting my first set of court papers together.  I am a little nervous because I will be representing myself, but they will be there to guide me in the background and help with any questions.  I am going to ask them if I have to appear in court and he's in jail if that means they won't let him show up for the hearing.

I haven't heard anything regarding any hearings going on in the court system against him.  I provided the DA a timeline of events for end of last year when he went nuts and it seems to have helped them in the court process to hold him in.

In regards to feelings about him and the whole situation.  The most prominent feeling I have when I think about it is sadness.  Not towards him, but towards the wasted years and left over damage it's had on me.  All of this happening, he did to himself.  I get sad because I feel I wasted really good years in a horrible situation, not enjoying life, fighting just to make it through the day.  Then when the sadness dissipates, I feel relief and happiness.  Relief that I am no longer in that situation and happiness that I did make it out alive and the boys and I are finally safe and living healthy lives.

At the end of this month also, my caseworker I have from the shelter will be removed from my services.  I can apply for non residential services, but it will be a different caseworker.  My current caseworker has been awesome and has managed to get me rental help since December 2021 after my previous rental help ran out.  She did one more application with me for April - June.  If I get approved, I have another 3 months to keep paying down my debt as much as possible, so when rental help has ran out, I will have money saved and reduced my monthly bills.

All of this I am doing is possible because of the amazing people on this forum, my DV caseworkers, the DV legal assistance, and being able to control finances 100%.  My exbpd was horrible at saving and anytime we got money from taxes, he always had "big" plans have to spend it.  I have 3 months rent set aside from left over tax refund and I fully intend to use it only for rent and building my savings.

It may be another two months before I post again, but that's a good thing.  Means my life has finally come to a point where I feel for the first time in years, happy and thriving. :love-it: :love-it:

Thanks for making the time for the update.  Many of us lurk and follow your story. 

It's OK to be sad, but that is the past.  You are making some great opportunities for yourself that; hopefully, will lead you to an exciting future.  Keep at it, one step at a time.  Good luck! And be well.  Como

It's so good to hear how well you've been recovering yourself and your life.

Be aware that you may face sudden pleas from your ex to drop or withdraw your statements.  You may even feel inclined to "forget it all" just to get it over with.  However, that would be self-sabotaging, long term.  Let him face his consequences.  If he wants to meet with you, decline.  Nothing good would come of it.

Please return immediately if your determination starts to waver.

I’m so glad to hear how things are so much better in your life, Frankee. Soon you won’t have to think about your ex much at all. That’s a pretty hefty bond for someone who isn’t good with managing money.

Thanks so much for the update.

1 thing I wanted to clarify.  When you say "representing yourself"...can you confirm this is in the divorce?

Most likely this is OK and I would be shocked if he contested it or hired a lawyer or anything.  So...since you have someone backing up your paperwork..it should be ok.

My one area of concern is not that you get the divorce..but a "well written" divorce. 

So...you would want strong child support provisions and super clear visitation (or clear denial of visitation).

It's kind of another matter whether or not you can collect on the child support...but step on is getting the document right.

There are likely other matters other members can raise here to make sure "you get it in there"

Some of the basic language is that if you want him to do X in the divorce decree and then he doesn't...you want the penalty already in there so you don't have to go back to court to argue about it.

Stay strong!

Best,

FF

Good thought from FF re: child support.

I wonder if there's a way to build that requirement so that:

(a) yes, we all know that he is unlikely to pay or pay regularly or pay fully, but

(b) that doesn't mean "well let's just not put that in there because he won't do it"

and (c) the pressure/requirement/pursuing/collection of CS is NOT your job... it's written in that someone else will do so if he doesn't pay

Not exactly sure how to write it, but something like "Z Firm shall do all legwork of pursuing unpaid CS debts and remitting to Frankee from April 1st 2022 through December 31st 2037. Frankee shall provide current PO box # to Z Firm for mailing of remittances. Z Firm shall provide twice-yearly written reports to Frankee about status of CS enforcement" or whatever. But something where it's not just that "OK, it's written in the order that Ex is super-extra required to pay CS" -- because there are NO consequences, AND it isn't specific who enforces. So, maybe have written in there who has to "chase him down" and then have another section of consequences for nonpayment (this could be boilerplate, pointing at existing laws in your state).

This could make it something where yeah, you know that he probably won't pay, but you already knew that and already planned your life around that. Then, if he does, it's "icing on the cake" to get the check in the PO box, AND you aren't using your valuable time and energy "trying to make him pay".

Again, this could be written "boilerplate", just pointing to existing gov't groups (like a preexisting CS enforcement agency) but I'm just leaning so strongly towards wondering how we can make sure it's not one more exhausting job for you, and making sure to make it really specific that other agencies/groups/firms need to do their enforcement job so you don't have to.

Probably a good idea to check with your locality and see if "child support enforcement/collection" is a government service.

In North Carolina it was and even in some instances the local government literally titled "blank county child Support" would make some efforts to collect out of state debt or at least work with the appropriate agency.

The system seemed very effective for local deadbeats, less so for going outside the state.

So maybe a line that says.

"xyz shall register with local child support enforcement office wherever he resides"  "Failure to register within 30 days of moving to a locality will result in (insert penalty)"

The last reason to put it in there is most judges don't have much sympathy for guys that claim "she won't let me see my kid..."...while they are behind on their child support obligations.

While it's hard to imagine him ever reforming enough to be part of your kids lives in the future, having a clear child support obligation in place, coupled with good accounting of his payment record... will help in the event he ever petitions to be a larger part of your kids lives.

Best,

FF

Many courts have ruled (I don't know how consistent this is) that visitation has little or no correlation to the level of compliance with child support payment or non-payment.

So just because a parent is behind on payments may not impact the child visitation.  However, that shouldn't discourage you from building the best final decree possible.

Ignoring the child support aspect for a moment, you can set terms for visitation that include him being in effective therapy (exceedingly difficult to confirm), meeting conditions of professional supervised behaviors, and other overall behaviors.

One problem with many courts' schedules to "ramp up" to more visitation is that nothing is built in to "ramp down" to less visitation when behaviors regress.  Often it is assumed you have to go back to court to deal with that - typically getting back to court many months later.  So I think that is part of what the others are advising, request terms now so terms in the final decree address both the ups as well as the downs in his future behaviors.

Another thought... you can petition for his parental rights to be removed.  That is usually reserved for extreme cases so I don't know whether that applies in your case.  Be aware that the good part is you wouldn't have to deal with him any more whereas the bad part is you would not get child support, however much he may or may not pay.

Yes..this! 

The critical part is that the "consequence" is clear and what Frankee needs to do or not do is clear to be "in compliance" with the order.

Best,

Allen

Are the legal aid people actually drawing up the divorce papers for you?

When I got my divorce, my legal aid lawyer contacted the DA for the child support office for guidance on the specific language to include in the papers.

Also, if you have a current protective order for yourself and your child, that should be grounds to keep visitation supervised.

Update: My exbpd is still in jail.  Two of his charges have another disposition hearing set for June.  By the end of the month, it will have been 5 months since he has been able to contact me.

I am thankful.  The months that has passed since he has been in custody have given me the real peace I have been needing. I have been able to really come to terms and accept where I am in life and the choices I have made in the past.  It has also set my mind free and my expbd has barely crossed my mind.  I am enjoying ever passing day I feel this way.

The attorney I spoke with recently was very helpful.  It was the initial introduction and general overview of the proceedings that should be expected.  All the details and questions that everyone has made on here has been noted for my reference.  Once I get into the in depth detailing of my divorce decree, those items will be hashed out.  She is putting all of the proper paperwork in order to present to the courts, they will provide support, but all in all, I will be representing myself, unless I am able to find afford an attorney when the time is needed.

Honestly, when it comes down to it, it will be a matter of looking at facts.  November 2020 was when I granted the PO and that was the last time that expbd has even seen S6 (youngest son, he had a birthday recently and is now 6 years old).  I have record of him refusing to do supervised visits as instructed from the court order and now spending 5+ months in jail for terroristic threats, drug possession, PO violation, and assault probation violation.  I would say that expbd is going to be lucky if the courts even agree to allow supervised visits after all of that.

The divorce proceedings are slow moving, but I can be patient.  I know at this point in time that everything is just legal matters.  I know the choices I made this past almost 2 years, have been the right ones.  Even when I doubted myself more times than I can count.  I do know that it isn't over.  One day, he will probably be let out on probation, and that's when he will try to bring the dark clouds again.  I am prepared though and I have a stronger faith in my future than I ever had before.

With all those charges, he might be in jail for a while yet. I think the court is likely to look at the facts, as you said, and grant the divorce without hesitation.

Are you going to ask for no visitation in the divorce papers? Mine included no provision for visitation, though I have to allow phone contact and my ex is allowed to attend school functions or extracurricular activities that S6 is in. That was because I didn't have a current protective order, though.

I'm assuming he doesn't have the means to contest anything in the divorce, since he's in jail.

I think whatever the details of visitation or non visitation that you ask for...that it is explicitly laid out in the divorce order.

Best,

FF

I asked about supervised visitation but in my area, there is currently no agency that provides supervised visitation in divorce cases. Supervised visitation services are only provided for DCS cases. Ubpdxh would have to contact a third party counseling service and pay out of pocket for supervised visitation. So my divorce order states that mother has child 365 days and father has 0. Then there are the lines about providing non custodial parent with phone number to contact child, attendance at school functions or extracurricular activities, etc.

Ubpdxh could have gotten an attorney to contest that, but he didn't have the means to do so. He can still hire an attorney to modify the parenting plan but he doesn't have the means now, either.

He's simply "planting seeds" when he calls S6 that he can "help out" if I need childcare to work or go to school. I'm good, thank you.

With an active protective order and ubpdxh having an extensive criminal record, being a convicted felon, I could have gotten no contact. Without the protective order, I was only able to ask that he have no unsupervised days with the child, which means no visitation because of the lack of supervised visitation providers for divorce cases in my area.

I thought I was doing well, but today I came unglued.  I had exbpd service divorce papers.  I explicity told everyone that I was dealing with that I have the address confidentiality address.  They reassured me they would make sure he wouldn't get my address.  He did.  It was there in black and white on the last page of the divorce paperwork.  Today I get an envelope and my heart dropped when I saw it was from him.. to me.. at my home address.  I called up my legal aid lady and while leaving a voicemail, I broke down crying and started freaking out.  I scanned all the letters and emailed them to her so she would get them.

I am furious.  My one thing I had to make me feel safe has been ripped away from me.  How could these legal people be so careless after I told them over and over he can't have my address.  In the letters he wants to be able to send more letters to the kids and requesting phone calls.  After reading all of what he sent plus a letter to the boys, I became enraged.  I talked to the jail clerk and tomorrow I am going to bring them a copy of the PO showing he cannot contact me except the court app.  I am hoping they will screen his mail and refuse to deliver it.

He claims he will agree to everything I requested in the divorce paperwork except the  no contact with the kids.  He wants to be in their lives.  I am so angry about it.  Him being in their lives would completely undo all of the healing all of us have done.  He doesn't know how to be a good father.  His dad was a complete $hi+ of a father and he is exactly like his dad.  The boys will grow up to be just as messed up as him if he's allowed to see them.

I am just beyond myself with the fact he has my address.  He's in jail now, but he won't be in there forever.  Now he knows where to find me and it scare the $hi+ out of me.  I do not care if he claims to be rehabed or better, it's all a pack of lies.  My feelings towards him have not changed since the day I left, two years ago.

Hey Frankee,

I would have so many strong emotions too if that happened to me! I'm so sorry that this happened, especially after all you've been through and how hard you've fought. It's perfectly fine that you came unglued, and it shows that you're connected to your feelings. Don't ever feel bad for experiencing the emotions you do. It's normal and healthy to have them and see them for what they are, feelings.

Give yourself a couple of days and your rational side will kick back into gear. Hyper-arousal is so normal after a triggering event, and I do hate every triggering event that comes along, darn it. Hang in there.

 :hug:
Wools

Good move talking to the jail clerk and providing evidence that he is violating the RO even from inside a correctional facility.

I totally get the fear. When I had to go to child support court a couple years ago (and face ubpdxh there) the court clerk read my address out loud in court and asked me if that was still my correct address, despite the fact that I told the deputies outside the courtroom that I had an active RO on him and wanted minimal contact and confidentiality while in court. I was furious.

How long will he be in jail? Is there anything you can do to help you feel safer when the time for his release gets near?

Unfortunately, enough precautions are not taken to protect the confidentiality of domestic violence victims within legal proceedings. I wish there was a policy that required any court documents to protect the addresses and other personal information of DV victims with active RO's. If a person is dangerous enough to have a lengthy restraining order granted from a judge, that person should never have access to information about the victim's whereabouts.

I am sure I am not the only person who will tell you this, but it seems more than likely that even if the court awards him visitation (they probably will in some capacity), more than likely this is more of a manipulation tool for him rather than an actual desire to spend time with the kids.  After a few months, more than likely he will skip out on his allotted time, and you will have a hard time tracking him down in order to get child support money.  I say this because it seems to happen to every person I have known that has divorced from an abusive partner.

So sorry about this breach of confidentiality.  Ugg...double and triple uggg.

Might be wise for you to also see if there is a way to be notified when he will be getting out of jail.  Like  you said...it's good he is in there..but someday...

Hang in  there

Best,

FF

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I advocated for myself and called the local PD.  The same PD that I filed the last violation of the PO with.  They had everything on file.  I was blessed to talk to a police officer that seemed to genuinely care.  He took the time to look everything up, asked questions, sent me a link so I could upload picture of the letters so he can add them to a report and press charges.  He asked me first if I wanted to press charges and I said absolutely.  I feel the officer was actually happy to help me.

My ex sent more letters the boys.  After I took pictures of them for the officer, I tore them up.  Seeing his writing, reading the lies & bs atempts at forgiveness, I find myself still feeling extremely angry.  What bothers me the most is having that feeling when I thought I was doing so well with healing and moving on.  If the written word from him can evoke such anger, I can only imagine how I feel if I ever have to see him in person in court.  He says... I pray one day you can forgive me.  I don't think I ever will.  Even if I do, I will never let him know.  He doesn't understand forgiveness in the proper context.  I know he will think it's forgive and forget. 

While one cannot be sure how long he will actually be incarcerated, given the whims of officials in some places, there's a real possibility that by then you will have moved (not a happy thought right now) to another place to reside.  I hope that is some comfort.

Frankee we are all in your corner here. With that said...keep in mind you do not have to grant him forgiveness in person or say it to him. No, forgive him only in your own heart and mind so the negativity doesn't eat you up. Let go and don't be weighed down that S :cursing:. Holding onto rage, anger, etc only will keep you tied to him. You gotta focus on just doing YOU.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

I’m a number of years away from my relationship with my abusive ex husband. I was mad as could be after I finally got free and it sunk in how truly horrible his behavior had been for years. I think I had to accept that deferred anger and realize that it had built up for so long because it was dangerous to express it in real time.

Then, at some point, perhaps it was when I started to get phone calls from creditors trying to track him down, I realized that rather than feeling anger any longer, I merely saw him as a pathetic man-child, who felt so inadequate, that he had to attack me, emotionally and physically, to make himself feel like he had some power, that he didn’t have.

He’s going to have time to do some soul searching while incarcerated. Whether that changes him or not is a measure of who he is.

You need never have anything to do with him and that is your right.

I’m so glad my ex lives on the opposite coast and can wreak havoc there, and not be a part of my life.

As time goes on, you are going to feel so much freer from any influence he ever had on you.

 :hug:
Cat

I find myself forgiving what happened.  I accepted I can't change it, I can't undo.  Overall I feel better about where I'm at in my healing journey.  When he is out of sight and out of mind, I find I am extremely happy.  I guess I have to work on my feelings when he intrudes into my life and processing those feelings as they come.
It's funny you say that.  I got a call from a property manager about a piece of land my ex bought right before I left.  He tried to convince me to put my name on it as well and I skirted away from that obligation.  The manager was saying he hasn't paid on it in months and they were looking for him.  I laughed and said.. he's in jail LOL.  I got some pure delight to laugh at his misfortune and to let these people know they aren't going to get their money.

I read the letters my ex sent and he was spouting off how he's done all that soul searching nonsense andd how he's becoming a better person, blah blah blah.  I don't believe any of it.  Maybe that's why I am so angry about the letters.  He is literally saying all the same garbage about being better that he use to feed me to keep me coming back.  I also spent almost 7 months with zero communication from him and now that he has my address, he is basically snail mailing his spouting bs.  I remember one of the officers at the jail told me.. just don't read the letters.  Even if I didn't read the letters, it's the point of, now he has a way to access me and I can't do anything to stop him.

I am dreading the day I get a notification saying he has been released and starts his bs on the court app again.

I do feel in a way that once the gates are opened and he is freed from his holding pen and reaches out to me again, that I will be better prepaped.  Yes I got angry about the letters, but in real time when he is able to message again, I will have a clear mind and see things for exactly how they are and have better control over my responses.

You are so right, adding your name would not only have become an obligation, it would also have added another link to your ex and probably added an unwanted complication to the divorce.  That manager was just looking for another money source.

Hey...I'm curious if you would be comfortable retaining the letters (and future ones), but not reading them.

I would not recommend shredding or disposing because they may be needed for evidence.  Yes digital copies are ok...but you kinda have to look at them while taking the pics (unless you can get someone else to do it for you)

Hang in there and keep taking care of YOU!

Best,

FF

I finally have some good news. Today I spoke with the detective and the detective's supervisor.  I have received 3 letters now from my exbpd.  I got the 3rd one today and I told them about it. We are trying to get the legal aid program to release the court papers to the PD that they sent to my exbpd, so they can add that to the violation.  I checked the jail and court records and his bond is now up to 80k and it already shows the violation of the PO 2+times.

I was honestly very surprised when I talked to the supervisor for the detective.  She reached out to some local resources and ended up talking to an agency that deals with DV.  The supervisor gave me the manager's name and number and told me to call her.  I called the DV resource manager right after I got off the phone.  She was a super nice lady and I gave her the run down of basically the past 2 1/2 years.  When I got to the part about the legal aid people releasing my address without me realizing he would get it, I started to cry.  As I was talking to her, I realized how alone I have been recently in this part of my life.  I honestly don't have anyone I can talk to about it right now that would help my situation.

Moving have also been discussed.  The DV worker I talked to today took my information and is going to start working on an application again for crime victims compensation and doing the address confidentiality program correctly, and even going to reach out to housing programs.  I don't want to move.  Moving was not an option for me when I came here.  I like it here, I like my neighbor, I haven't had any major problems since I have lived here.  I feel horrible even thinking of uprooting my kids and possibly having them change schools.. again. 

It hurts something awful.  I felt safe here, hidden, thinking he would never find me, but now my address is out there.  He's going to be in jail, for quite some time the way things are going.  Which is good for me right now, but he's not going to be in there forever.  I told the local PD that I am very scared that he is going to get out of jail and look to take revenge out on me and just show up one day.  I am praying the detectives looked at his track record and current charges and can see that he is a dangerous person.

I had a pretty good cry a couple times times tonight.  Haven't had a hard cry in months.  I know it's because for the time my exbpd was locked up until the letter's started coming, I had genuine peace.  Feels like a old wound has been opened up.  I've gotten better about handling everything, but days like today, I really question so much.  Anytime he is able to interject in my life, I feel things start to crash down.

How long will he be incarcerated?

Kids are more or less resilient.  How you present a possible move to them will be a factor.  Your perspective will be contagious... you can make it feel scary or you can make it an adventure like the Goonies.

Another move is not the end of the world, nor does it have to be rushed. 

I had to look up the new charge they put against him.  This violation has been marked as a felony.  In the state I live in, they have a three strike felony.

I keep checking the court cases he has and they keep having Disposition Conference's.  He actually had a court date set today for the two felony charges.

I feel like I am going down a worm hole.  If they charge him with all 3 felonies, there is a good chance he may get a very long time in jail.  It woud be an amazing thing to have him locked up for years.  I don't feel sorry, I think he deserves every bit of it, but what scares me is when he does get out.  I know he is going to blame me for all of it.
I am praying they give a verdict soon for the three felonies.  I honestly think the way it is going, he may be in there for a very long time.  Which will help me plan better to move.  If I could wait until after this current school year to do it, that would be perfect.  The hardest thing is having to move in the middle of a school year.  If I can wait, it would be easier for them.  I know I will have to move.  Unless he gets life, he will get out one day and knows where to find me.

Frankee,

Hang in there...you have been running this "marathon" for a while.

Do you think it would be helpful to stop thinking about what will happen when he gets out (whenever that is) and start PREPARING for when he gets out?

I would think there are lots of productive avenues that can be explored, and thankfully it appears you have plenty of time to do this.

I'm so proud of you...your hard work is about to pay off!

Best,

FF