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Threats of divorce have been common while uBPDw is angry. The threats have become more serious over the last 18 months, she contacted a lawyer. Meanwhile I've learned about BPD and the tricks of the trade have helped me stabilize the relationship. So far so good.

While she is behaving well she sometimes hints at a future life together. That's positive. But recently she has started mentioning divorce even while she is in a good mood. Just things like, "We still have to have a serious conversation about ..." To which I don't respond, other than slowly nodding.

This seems like a bad thing. I.e. still wanting a divorce when she is relatively normal. But a lot of BPD is counterintuitive. Who knows? Sometimes things get worse before getting better. Or maybe she is 'testing' me to see how I feel.

What are people's thoughts about this development?

I am in a similar spot.  She has put a deposit on another place.  She is acting atypically calm. 

Check out this post that I started - it might be helpful - https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=351751.msg13162532#msg13162532

For what it's worth, my SOwBPD went through a phase of that (calmly talking about ending our relationship), and in the moment I think he even really felt that way each time, but he never followed through.

 I think it's part of the unconscious push/pull. Like when things feel too safe, too calm, he felt like he needed to "push" to protect himself. Like if I would leave him, it would hurt too much, and he wanted to be one step ahead just in case. Plus I think he could sense that it's more upsetting when he says this outside the context of an argument, that it feels more genuine.

After a while I quit arguing against the idea/stopped fighting alone for the relationship, and he just eventually stopped doing it. It's been years since he has done that now.

Wishing you both the best!

People with BPD are often very good with the threats, but not so much with the follow through.

Thank you. That's all very helpful.

I wonder if she is actually saying that to get a reaction from you.  Seems like you're not giving her anything but a nod, which could be confusing to her.  Like do you want a divorce or not?  Are you agreeing or disagreeing when you nod? 

If you DON'T want a divorce, what about saying something like... "I've heard you say you want a divorce.  I don't want one.  I'm happy to talk about it more if you'd like". 

She knows I don't want one. Many/most things are confusing to her anyway. And Rule #1 is don't initiate any difficult conversations.

The downside is that she will accuse me of having my head in the sand. To which I respond with my slow nod of a slightly tilted head.