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I can't tell the difference between a false accusation, lie, cognitive distortion, and manipulation anymore. It is all blurred in the chaos and I feel like Alice in Borderland.

Lie: An intentionally false statement

False Accusation: a claim or allegation of wrongdoing that is untrue and/or otherwise unsupported by facts

Cognitive Distortion: Habitual ways of thinking that are often inaccurate and negatively biased

Manipulation: Use of devious means to exploit, control, or otherwise influence others to one’s advantage

Which one do you typically use when talking to your attorney/court?

What's your relationship with your L like? Can s/he share with you how judges in your area typically treat certain statements? I'm thinking something like -- maybe judges in your area generally are fine with people asserting that someone "was manipulative" but get all fired up and punitive if someone says "she lied about X".

Basically, I'm thinking -- at the end of the day, the way you label what your ex is doing is less important than calling it whatever is most understood by your L and most effective in a courtroom setting.

If your L only understands (fully, like you do) the behavior when you describe it as "cognitive distortion", run with that. If your L says that judges respond "favorably" to assertions of "false accusations", do that.

Maybe ruthless, but if you have a L and are headed towards court, I would focus on the most effective terminology to achieve your ends.

...

Has your L seen Bill Eddy's work at all?

Good questions, kells76. I'll have that conversation with my lawyer.

I call what you are describing as "the BPD mind blender"...it's like so many "tactics" are smashed together so quickly...and the non is left reeling.

I'm going to second focusing less on the label than on describing the actual words and actions.  Make sure your L understands "what" it would have looked and sounded like if he were a fly on the wall and worry much less about "why" it happened or what to call it.

Is there a particular thing you are trying to properly label or is this about the general crazy that comes with the territory.

Best,

FF

It is a reactionary dysregulation that I've finally understood:


Ouch!

I can relate to this. I am currently going to court because of the cognitive distortions and false accusations my wife has created. I had no idea what I was hanging on to.

I think with the reality being altered with people with BPD their perception of reality makes their lies or false accusations true. Even though the reality is otherwise they believe it is true there for it is.

Exactly, and that is what's so scary about it. Add in the fact that many people with BPD are very charming and convincing, and it's easy for family law professionals to get hooked and buy their distorted view of reality over yours.

The question is moot whether they know the difference between lies and perceptions.  It's pointless to speculate on whether they're aware or not.  The vast majority are expert manipulators, developed over years, and generally know just how far they can push a claim and just how far they can go before it becomes actionable.  So it doesn't matter whether they know what they did or not, at some level (wherever that is) they do know.  That has to be enough for us, so we can move on to more practical matters.