BPDFamily.com

Couple things I have noticed yet not fully embraced or appreciated…

1.  I recognized tonight that my veracious appetite for mutual emotional support through sharing feelings and thoughts cannot be fulfilled in a normal or real sense.   I “knew” this was the case by hearsay- but not empirical causation evidence.

Until tonight, that is… J’s 17 year old nephew tested positive for Covid- and he’s really having a rough time about it.  I also know that her mother has been coughing really bad in the last few days and there are 7 adolescents/adults living in the household- 2 of which are vaccinated (he is not).  J’s father is a cancer survivor with severe COPD yet he refuses to be vaccinated.   Major source of worry- right?   So I texted her mom to ask how she and the grandson is feeling.   Response? “He’s very sick and isn’t eating” and “I took an allergy pill and I’m fine” (which I take with a grain of salt- but whatever).

I asked “what did the doctor say when he tested positive?”

Mother’s response: “I don’t know and I didn’t ask.   He just said he has Covid and I said ‘Stay away from us’”

I mean- really? This is her GRANDSON. 6 other people live in the house including a 66 year old man with a limited immune system and severe COPD.   And her go to response was, “get away… what’s on television right now?”?   He right now has a non zero chance of being hospitalized and/or DYING in the next 2-3 weeks and she can only think of “Stay away”? 

Despite the extreme desire to type in all caps “WHAT IN THE F*CK IS WRONG WITH YOU?” I responded “ok”

J clearly grew up in a house where feelings and emotions are beyond denied- they simply don’t exist.   There is zero sense of human decency and empathy- not even for selfish reasons.   It simply does not occur to this monster of a woman to CARE ENOUGH to ask her grandson about his prognosis with a potentially deadly virus.

J learned this and never developed this vital tool in living.   She never had any source of empathy for her own emotions and feelings.   They are completely raw to her- she HAS TO suppress her own emotions and any triggers for them.

Back to my paradigm… Like Bruce Willis in the Sixth Sense- I recognized tonight that I tend to be able to talk to J without emotional blowback- while she is sleeping!  And not deep asleep snoring as I whisper it away…. She was mentally aware (at some level) in the twilight of falling asleep- able to move upon request… and I could tell her how I feel- my thoughts and regrets and celebrations… All without any blowing up at me or responding in distress that she hates me or doesn’t care.   She just listened.

On a different thought… I am an amateur magician.   I recognized that for her sake, she suffers from the horrible dysfunctional fate of always having the secret exposed to her.   In healthy relationships, people are allowed to see the show- to watch the illusions- with the occasional glimpse of painful reality- that it’s not 100% as it seems.   We are human after all and we have flaws and make mistakes that cause tiny amounts of mistrust in the show.   But not for BPD sufferers.   They are doomed to be stuck watching the show from backstage- exposed to the (painful) reality that the show isn’t ALL magic.  What’s worse is that they are doomed and tortured by the intense desire to QUESTION the magic trick- they are stuck in a sense in a never ending loop of constantly searching to expose the secret of the magic and then are horribly disappointed by the fact that the trick is- just a trick- that it’s not REAL.  It’s like a 5 year old living and reliving the disastrous moment of finding out that there is no Santa- and being forced to constantly look for reasons that Santa isn’t real. 

Maybe there is a way to support J in the quest to put herself into the audience more- to see the magic for its glory and wonder… knowing that it’s got a secret behind it- but that it’s not a prison sentence of being constantly disappointed that the show was ruined all along.   
 

Seeing the family dynamic explains a lot!

I’ve socialized a number of feral cats. Many have been able to become emotionally healthy participants with humans, while others have never been able to fully bridge the gap. It seems there’s a critical time in development where exposure to a larger frame of reference instills trust and confidence.

I often wonder about those children who were emotionally abandoned in Eastern European orphanages a couple of decades ago. I remember people adopting them and bringing them to the US, but having issues due to developmental delays. I guess that’s next on my Google search to see if there are any studies, now that they are adults.

How to teach or demonstrate empathy to an individual who has never been exposed to it, nor sees the value in it?


Here’s an article in the Atlantic about those orphans from Romania:  https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/07/can-an-unloved-child-learn-to-love/612253/