BPDFamily.com

J’s father- a 66 year old man with COPD, a cancer survivor- has tested positive for COVID.  He is unvaccinated.   

So J woke me up (I work nights) to tell me that he tested positive after she had worked hard to convince him to get tested.   Meanwhile, mind you, it is really unclear what (if any) symptoms he has..   He is a very uneducated man who has constantly had the attitude of “well, if I get it, I can’t do anything anyways and if I die I die.”

So upon her telling me this, she’s already worried in the worst way.   She has put a virtual death sentence on the man.   (Yes- he might get very sick and death isn’t off the table).   However, the reality is that he ISNT dead.   He ISNT in the hospital or the ICU for that matter.   In fact, we know he tested positive from a home test- because yesterday, he went to the doctor to ask to be tested and they turned him away- because he has no symptoms.

Fast forward to my situation in this:  The history of this man is that despite ever needing medical care, he plays Superman.   You can’t make this man take a moment’s break.   He WILL work himself to death if you let him.  I asked her (bad timing and bad verbiage) “Is there anything we can do to help him and prevent him from trying to be Superman with this?”

Splitting.  Rage.   “You’re a narcissist who only thinks of himself!” 

I recognize that I’m not the target in this.   I recognize that despite my (perhaps) poor word choice and reminding her that her father is horrible at taking medical care for himself, I am NOT the one she’s angry at.   She’s angry at the POSSIBILITY that he may get worse and might pass away.   

Is there a way to comfort her in any way?  Is there a way to convey to her that we are nailing the coffin shut when he may ACTUALLY somehow get through this with a miracle mild case?

Listen, listen, and don’t try to do anything. There’s nothing you can do. Let her have her feelings and don’t try to persuade her that there is hope. There may not be, but at this point, it’s a waiting game, and it remains to be seen how his case will develop.

That is what I am trying to do as well.  I am moving forward and giving her space.

That’s the only conclusion I have come to as well.    Her mother likes to believe that she’s religious- but she’s the type of religious person that takes zero control of anything when the sh1t hits the fan…

“What is his fever?”

“I dunno- we have a thermometer somewhere but I’m not lookin for it”

“If he can get to the Dr, they might be able to treat him early”

“All we can do is pray.   If God says it’s time, it’s time and there isn’t anything we can do about it”

All of this, of course, is fatalist thinking that conveys a less than sensitive outlook on anyone’s emotions and feelings.   “You’re angry?  Get over it- nothing will change and you’re being over dramatic over something you can’t change anyways”

Yesterday, her dad wanted to take his temperature, so he aimed an auto engine thermometer at his arm.   VERY exact reading of 80-100 degrees.  Her mom’s reaction?  She laughed and shrugged it off.

This is the mark of someone that is NOT a good person.   Someone that does NOT help others get or feel better.   “He’s gonna do what he’s gonna do- so if he gets worse and dies- so be it”

It’s really hard for me to not want to literally shake everyone and scream “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?”  I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.   I can’t do anything to help J feel a single iota of control in this and I can’t so much as offer a hug or a listening ear without J concluding that I am only sitting and listening out of some twisted manipulative motive to hurt her.  

Literally EVERYTHING I do- including looking at her is analyzed to the nth degree for signs that I’m judging her or attempting to hurt or invalidate her.   And if I sit in another room, I’m not supporting her at all.

You are operating out of a worldview that has little to no overlap with these people. It’s no wonder that your partner is so skeptical of your motivations, with a family of origin like that.

What drew the two of you together in the first place?

How can you take that and expand upon that in the present?