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Hi All, so my dad died last October and I am desperately trying to manage my relationship with me uBPD and mostly NPD mother. Since my dads death she has become even more self-absorbed, to the point of it being intolerable. I do Grey Rock and manage contact but today I just lost it. This does happen with me every month and when it does I feel very ashamed. I simply can't stay in Grey Rock when repeatedly triggered over one phone call. The resulting rage just feels like a huge release. I know I have given her what she wants and now she is inconsolable with tears and will be contacting her flying monkeys with further evidence of how evil I am. I just have to let the anger out sometimes because I feel so diminished by always holding it in.

I think I have been partly triggered by a few things. Firstly I had a convo with my brother the other day where he described coming off the phone from her and going downstairs, slamming the door so many times that it came away from the hinges. He gets rages too but then it gets displaced. I felt gutted for him and his family. Secondly I saw my T yesterday and I feel sometimes she really doesn't get how crap this all is and how complex. Thirdly I was massively love bombed by my mother last week and I think on reflection I wanted to rid myself of that, to show her that we were not "in love" and she can back right off.

Anyway posting to share and always appreciate the support on here. I know we are all fighting the same war.  :hug:

Please don't be hard on yourself. I also lost it with BPD mom towards the end of my Dad's life. I was just so upset myself- losing a father is difficult.

There is an acronym used mostly in couple's counseling "HALT"- they say don't get into any emotional discussions if one is feeling Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. ( and one can add grieving, upset or anything else). It's a reminder that self care is needed and one isn't up to dealing with drama. It's not anything to be ashamed of- we are human.

Feeling triggered or upset is a signal to you to take care of you. At these times, it's best to not engage with your mother. This doesn't mean NC for the long run unless you choose this. It means at this time, you aren't up to a lot of contact with her.  You can decide how much contact to have with your mother and brother, and take some time for you as a form of self care. 

Thank you Notwendy I should have seen it coming but with me it builds and builds and I never really know how to discharge it safely. The Narcissism from my mum, of late, has been off the scale. If I utter one word she talks over me. She brags a lot about the money she now has, the house, how amazing she is, how everyone thinks she is amazing...Eventually she chips my Grey Rock into a tiny pebble LOL.

I've been for a run and I've had lots of nice cups of tea and I do feel better now. It will happen again because even calling her less (I've gone from daily calls to twice weekly but she wants a text every day) the steam in the pressure cooker of my head will build and build. I just thought I would share on here because I know it helps me when people express exasperation, it helps to see we are all just doing the best we can.

Might sound silly but in a way, I envy that you are able to lose it at her ! I lost it only once with my uBPDm that I can remember, after my wedding. I screamed at her like I had never screamed before, and she started crying. The first time ever I made her cry. And I was still at it. And I actually wasn't ashamed, it felt so so good to finally give her some of what she gives me all the time !  I don't even remember how it got "solved". I just remember telling her savior, my stepdad, to back the f***k off and let me talk with her, and he did. I felt such power... Almost scared myself. I have teeth, and I can bite, it seems.

Everytime she doesn't get her way, she slams doors and screams in my face. She walks directly to me, get at 1 inch of my face and discharge herself. I take after my father so I basically hold everything inside and then later on, I sometimes break things when I am by myself, mostly stuff that she gave me... The anger has to come out, somehow, it's just too much to hold on at times.  I guess we all have our way to deal with anger/pain. This one time was really out of character ... Mind you : I was pregnant with my first child, it does change you !

So yeah ... Don't feel ashame. I keep reading about how people with BPD suffer and how the world is so hard for them, and how we need to be the grown person and full of love and patient and ... Honestly sometimes I get triggered by it. Always having to walk on egg shells around them because they aren't responsible (ish) and are just suffering. I am exhausted.

They hurt us on so many occasions and we have to bend over backwards everytime. Take a punch and be ready for another one while keeping a smile and reminding them gently of boundaries. It gets old. And then we feel like assholes because they are "ill" and we are not. But their illness hurt everyone around them! And yet it is still our responsibility. Ok, rant over ..

I think we are allowed to lose it once in a while too, considering everything we have to do to just "keep them around". Truth be told, your mother is lucky that you are still calling her twice a week.

Thank you for sharing with us here, Goldcrest. And my deepest condolences on the passing of your father.

Adding to what others have said here,  it is normal to lose it after all you've been through. So please don't be ashamed of yourself... You've tried hard to give your best.

I agree with Riv3rW0lf - I was too afraid of BPD mom to go off on her. The consequences would have been that my father would have also gotten angry at me and I was afraid of that - not because he would ne hurtful but because- I wanted his approval so much and was attached to him. BPD mom- not so much but I still was afraid to.

But in the circumstances, I just couldn't keep that control, and as expected there were consequences but I didn't imagine my mother would stoop that low to do hurtful things in return. She did.

I don't lose my temper with her anymore- not because I am afraid to, but I see how it's completely useless to do so with her. I just keep an emotional distance from her.

 Riv3rW0lf Thank you for this. I think it has been since my dad has died that I have found my teeth and I just can't hold the anger in anymore. I know I was afraid of disappointing him and so would try to be "a good girl" and not rock the boat so that he wouldn't be disappointed in me. So many times he would excuse her terrible behaviour and make me feel less if I wasn't able to let it wash over me. He often told me I was "super sensitive" and that made me feel ashamed because he saw it as my failing. Now he is gone I can grey rock for so long and then suddenly I just let rip. It takes me by surprise and it always feels better but I do feel ashamed at hurting her. It is interesting Riv3rW0lf that you were pregnant because since I have been menopausal I have found myself much more assertive and losing my temper more. I like that I don't take so much crap from people. I have finally found my edges.

Notwendy StrawberryCat Thanks to you both too. I feel better. Knowing I can come on here and get some solidarity really helps. Sometimes I remember my dad is dead and it really shocks me. It's like I haven't really got my head around it. All the things I wish I had said to him, even though I knew he was dying in the hospital. Yet I couldn't have any private time with him because my mother was there and it was all about managing her.

Yet I couldn't have any private time with him because my mother was there and it was all about managing her.

Yes, if I called my father,  BPD mom would listen in.

There was one blessing in that, I didn't stay at her house. I stayed near the hospital on the last couple of days. He was not conscious at this point but since I was closer, I got there first. I had a little bit of time alone with him before she got there. I did speak to him. I hope he heard me.

Once BPD mom and her family arrived, I just felt out of place. We weren't sure when his final time would be. But I also had said my part, and now BPD mom was in charge. So I left.

Dad died that day. BPD mom didn't call me. She called everyone else but not me.

A family member on his side of the family ( who lives a distance so BPD mother called them ) called me to say they were sorry. What? Sorry?

Did nobody tell you your Dad died?

No.

Goldcrest- I don't know if you are religious or spiritual- and it's not about one religion but most religions have some idea of an afterlife or some sense of consciousness beyond the world we know.
I am purposely describing this out of context of any specific religion  because I think it's best to not impose one.

For me, it helped to consider that my father was in a place of knowing somehow. That before, the way he perceived me was through my mother's narrative about me. But from wherever he was, he could see a bigger picture. I don't have proof of this, none of us do. Some of us have a strong belief system, others don't-but still, there's an order, a wisdom to the universe.

It has helped me to do good things in his memory. Doing something good can not ever be wrong. A donation to charity, doing something nice for someone else.

For several months though, I was just sad, and it was hard to do anything else, but eventually it helped to donate to some organizations in his memory in hopes that this would help others.

It helps me to think he's in a place of knowing- knowing how mentally disordered my mother is, and yet having forgiveness for her, and knowing that he mattered to me no matter how she perceived it.

 

Notwendy that's really tough how you found out your dad had died. Really crap.

I hadn't really considered my own grief, I've always sort of expected myself not to have feelings about things and if I do, those feelings are some how wrong. It really helps when people here remind me that I am grieving because it sort of validates my alternating between numb and then occasionally very upset, experience. My mum just has nothing for me, no empathy, no sense of my being related to my dad or my having feelings.

This isn't unusual. Often we don't feel our feelings or numb out. Part of recovery work is to learn to feel our feelings so we are more aware of them. I think we didn't want to feel painful feelings and also our BPD mother's feelings were the focus.

Grief takes its own course. Yes, you can feel your feelings. Also take care of yourself- be good to yourself during this time.

My mother is the same- doesn't have empathy.

Goldcrest, we get it here.  It was a few years ago now, but the last time I "lost it" with my mom, I suppose my voice got a little louder  lol.  She turned that around on me, and tore a strip off me because I was talking to her like her father.  While I "lost it" for me, my "losing it" was not like how her father "lost it".  He killed animals.  He did many wicked things.  Comparing me to him let me know there was more going on with her than the "average person". I was finally figuring out she was outside of "typical" when it comes to relationships and emotional regulation, and soon after, I "landed" on this site. 

I think when we feel "shame" for losing it, it's because our personal values for how to treat people or interact with them in a respectful way (even with difficult people), don't line up with how we interacted when we "snapped".

Well, as other's here have said, we're human.  When we are continuously affected by this difficult and dysfunctional behavior day after day after day and we behave within the boundaries of our own values for 29 of those days, but then on the 30th day we snap like a turtle, I think we can:
1) forgive ourselves
2) recognize that we need a "break" from this person, and create some distance for ourselves (as others have said), and start to do some self-care.

I can't speak for others, but I would hazard a wild guess that perhaps everyone on this board has snapped or "lost it" with their pwBPD.  So personally, I think it's ok to forgive yourself. 

I have been told by a number of nurses who have experience with death and dying, that in the dying stage, some senses become stronger and more acute, especially the hearing.  I am glad you had this time alone with your dad.  Also sorry to hear your mother did not notify you. 

This is yet another illustration of how immature the emotional intelligence of a pwBPD is.  That kind of behavior is what can be expected from grade schoolers, or maybe young teenagers.  It's one of the things that makes a relationship with a pwBPD so difficult; they are emotionally a child but in an adult's body with adult power.

Goldcrest, I hope you start to feel better soon.  This too shall pass.

Methuen thank you  :hug:
Yes I agree with the above and I always apologise to my mother for shouting at her and hurting her. I don't further try to defend or excuse myself I just acknowledge it for what it is. To be fair she does respond well to apologies. Of course she never changes or acknowledges my needs/difficulties/stress. She often says I am "exactly like her", as a way of aligning me with the abusive behaviour I hold her accountable for. She will also use it to shame me repeatedly later but I am getting better at Grey Rock-ing that bait.

I think it is healthy to know our edges and learn that we have teeth. There is a huge difference between not being able to show power (be a sheep) VS being able to show power and not doing it (be a gentle wolf).

In the former, we are victim and while it might seems like we are good people, we are not because we are just unable to use our power.

In the latter, we know we can bite, we know we could hurt them but we choose not to. And it is a much better situation to be in because other wolves cannot hurt you anymore. You can stand for yourself.

It is hard when it comes to our mother though, and I get the shame. But sometimes, even a gentle wolf need to eat... And I think it can actually be a good thing for them, even if it only lasts a minute, to have the veil lifted and see the real state of the relationship, and see what they have done. Because it truly is on them, and deep inside of them, I think they know.

As for shame, I agree with Methuen that it might come from not treating someone like you want to treat them, but I'd say there is more to it. I feel that everytime I snap at my children. Because I do sometimes. And while It always feels like I snapped really strongly, my daughter looks at me with a little grin and I realize she is not scared, but the behavior does stop. I never lose it at her as strongly as I lost it at my uBPDm that day. I never lose it at anyone as strongly as uBPDm would lose it at me either, even if it somehow feels like it. I lose it "just enough" to stop the behavior that needs to stop, and it just comes out as firm I think. Even though, to me, it feels like I am lashing out

I think it comes from having been silenced so much that I don't know the sound of my own voice all that well, if that makes sense. And so when I hear it, I hear it stronger than it actually is.

Riv3rW0lf it's funny I was thinking about the concept of a parent snapping at their child yesterday and I actually think sometimes it is needed. Shouting as a means to bring a behaviour to a halt and then repairing the conflict is healthy. When I lose it with my mother I am saying ENOUGH and in a healthy mother/daughter relationship I would expect us to discuss carefully what brought me to that moment. Your daughter knows she has reached the limit of an important boundary. Children need boundaries. Sometimes a raised voice will signal that. It is human to get angry and it can't always be contained. People are messy, emotions are messy. It's how we navigate the conflict after that matters.

Interestingly with my mum there is always a pattern. I lose it, I apologise, their is a kind of intimacy where we are talking, she still avoids hearing my pain/anger etc. but she is a bit broken and definitely more real. The next morning after the shame has flooded her over-night she starts to turn it into a pity party for her. She will phone me wracked with pain and shame and she wants me to tell her that she isn't a bad mother, that it's all my fault. She will start JADE-ing herself and more recently uses the line "well your father (recently deceased) didn't think I was a bad parent or that your childhood was bad..."

When I was 15 I was groomed by a 35 year old man. He was my boss on a school work experience placement and it quickly became a sexual relationship. I went to an all girls convent school and daydreamed constantly about being rescued. He told me at the time not to tell my parents because he would go to prison. My mother went nuts that I was "seeing" him as a boyfriend but my mother quickly absorbed him in to the family and the pair of them would gang up on me whenever I stepped out of line. At 16 I lived part time with this man and he really repulsed me in many ways but I was so afraid of saying no to him and having to go back home that I just carried on. It was an abusive relationship. At 19 I finally left him but my mother vilified me for hurting him and when I tried to tell her what he did to me she told me, she didn't want to hear it. I did go to the police some 25 years later and they said I had a case for statutory rape. I asked my parents to back me and they refused. I think I have so much anger that it just gets beyond me sometimes. There is a lot in the media at the moment about young girls being abused and I am so numb about what happened to me I find myself thinking...what should I feel about all this?

Oh my goodness Goldcrest. That was child sexual abuse. No normal 35 year old man does that to a child. You were only 15 and with your upbringing - very vulnerable to attention from an adult. He exploited that and exploited you. You are allowed to feel whatever you want- including anger.

And your parents. Their role is to protect you, not sell you out to this kind of creeper. Your parents having him live there is a big  red-flag - something about this suited them...

Children look to adults to protect them, not exploit them.

No wonder you lost your sh*t with your mother.

I have been told by a number of nurses who have experience with death and dying, that in the dying stage, some senses become stronger and more acute, especially the hearing.  I am glad you had this time alone with your dad.  Also sorry to hear your mother did not notify you.

This is yet another illustration of how immature the emotional intelligence of a pwBPD is.  That kind of behavior is what can be expected from grade schoolers, or maybe young teenagers.

I think he heard me. Yes, what my mother did was right out of "Mean Girls" but I didn't imagine she's stoop so low to do this, and more. It seems she tried to erase any ties between me and my father. However, she miscalculated one thing. To sever ties with her daughter made it complicated with grandkids and she wants that. However, my kids were old enough to see her behavior too. Somehow she had the idea she could have a relationship with them and not me. Seeing that this didn't work well for her she has tried to "bring us all back into the fold" with her and her FOO but I no longer trust she has any sincere interest in a relationship with me.


I don't lose my sh*t with her - not because I don't have an emotional reaction to her behavior, it's that even getting angry at someone implies a hope in a relationship because it's communication. I don't have that hope for anything more intimate than what we have already. I don't see the point.

Same here. I know better now than believing she wants a relationship with me. My uBPDm is merely using me, being "nice" in a way to get to her grandchildren. And seeing what she did to my brother's children and their relationship with their mother : she is not getting anywhere near my kids without supervision. And certainly not on a monthly basis.

She burned herself last time we saw her.

Goldcrest,

I am speechless about what I just read. Words cannot express just how ... I am so very sorry you went through that.

And I somehow "get" that you don't know how to feel about it.

I had a friend, when I was 12, that got approached by a 30 years old via caramail, one of the first chat and known to be used by pedophiles. She "fell in love" and lost her virginity to him, and when her mother learned about it, my friend was actually mad at her for threatening to call the police.

All this to say... As children and teenagers, we go through things without having a really clear sense of what is right and what is wrong. And it is kind of our parents role to protect us and teach us what is what.

In your case, it seems your mother had sadistic ways... From an adult perspective : this is beyond abuse, this is sadism. But this is from MY adult perspective.

I think that a good way to move "past" abuse, is to figure out what it means for you, how it built you into who you are today.

You are a saint, still talking to your mother. I mean really, to reach out into your heart and being able to find kindness and compassion toward her, because you are still talking with her, after that kind of blow... You are very strong, and it is also ok to allow yourself to be "weak" when facing this kind of past. I use "" because it's not weakness to allow yourself to live all those emotions toward her. Anger is definitely normal.

Hugs

Riv3rW0lf and Notwendy thank you. I was a very immature yet physically mature 15 year old and absolutely desperate to be loved and special. He had NPD and groomed me. Promised me so much and I wanted him to be a parent to me. The sexual stuff was awful but I didn't want my parents to take him away from me because life with them was intolerable. So when my mum realised she couldn't separate me from him she went the other way and he became a hero to her. He was finally taking her "difficult" daughter off her hands and she also fancied him. It was horrendous and I was so empty that I basically would do whatever it took to be liked and cared for. After a year with him I tried to tell my mother what he was doing to me, he would become abusive when I wouldn't give him he wanted or "be a good girl". She was so angry that I dared to criticise him.

My mum simply cannot conceive that I experience the world differently to her and that I have feelings separate from her. Anything I try to tell her, that is negative, she gets angry about because it is one massive hassle to her. She only wants compliance and compliments. She loves gossip and other peoples misery - including mine - but only to elevate herself or to be seen as a rescuer.

The abuse has left me with a legacy of mistrust and shame. My parents gave me the message that I was being a drama queen if I complained and I was ungrateful because he had been a good boyfriend. They gave me the message that every bad thing that happened to me was my own fault and it was irritating to hear about it.

It's really good to share all this because I haven't spoken about this properly since I approach the police 7 years ago. I'm 49 now but the 15 year old me was hollowed out by my mother.

From what I have read from you on this forum Goldcrest, the abuse didn't take away from you the empathy, compassion and kindness. It's important to value those good parts of you as well. The bad things that happened to you also built you into the compassionate empath that I feel you are. Just my two cents.

Of course it made you distruthful (with reason!) and you were a victim forced to take responsibility of things you didn't do.

On the other hand, being forced to take responsibility, even for the things you should never had have to take responsibility for, probably built you into a responsible, resilient person. A survivor, but also a fighter. I might be off base here, just a feeling that you are much more (read as a person with a complex inner self and high self awareness), also because of this abuse.

I realize now, as I just discovered I was actually abused, that I have to integrate this part of me. Accept it and recognize it. But it doesn't mean it has to define me.

What I see right now, as an outsider to your abuse, is you recognizing this part of you and allowing it to be. This will allow you to integrate it to your self.

It's beautiful that you are seeing the impacts of it on who you are today. I just wanted to point out the good things this horrible experience might have actually given you. I like the idea of the yin yang. Seeing the positive outcomes in you, born from that bad thing... I find it helps me, at least, accept and come to peace with those bad things...

But then, we all have our own way of processing and coming to terms with things. So take whatever helps from this post, and leave the rest.

And also, thank you for sharing this with us. It shows courage and strength, and I personnally find it inspiring to know all that you went through, and you still being able to offer wisdom and kindness to this forum. Its a powerful exemple of being.

Riv3rW0lf  :hug: what you have written is really helpful and appreciated. I think since my dad's death (and re-connecting with my brother after 14 years) lots of things are slotting in to place for me. I sort of feel I am able to stand back and see stuff now for what it is. My brother and I are talking over our childhoods very openly, and we finally are on the same page. I'm thinking about stuff a lot but not in a negative way, more curious - if that sounds right. I'm just trying to find a place in the world that is comfortable for me, even if to others it might look limited. I am learning about what I want and what makes me happy.

I'm sorry for what has happened to you too Riv3rW0lf. It is wonderful though that we can all feel safe enough on here to support each other and I no longer feel alone because I love that we all get each other and can reach across to one another through our posts.

Thank you, it's okay. I am actually in the same mood you are... Discovering myself and this new part of me, and working through it to find inner peace. I am now more curious than hurt.

Hugs

Goldcrest- I am sorry but your parents were deranged to allow that relationship and even force you to remain in it. This wasn't a "good boyfriend". This was a pedophile who preyed on young vulnerable girls.

I'd be furious if an adult instigated a relationship with a young teen and push to get them in jail to keep them from doing that to anyone else. Teachers and school personnel are fired and also jailed if forming relationships with underage students. Why your parents didn't do this, I can't explain, but it's wrong and you are not responsible for what happened.

While you may have felt shame over the relationship- you were not to blame at all. You were 15. You had no idea. Even if you had a crush or flirted- you were a kid. We all had crushes at that age and acted silly. Sane and responsible adults understood it was a normal teen stage and knew we were kids. Sane and responsible adults don't have any interest in 15 year olds.

Naturally, you won't ever get your BPD mother to understand the situation from your point of view.
On your part though, forgive yourself, do what it takes to help heal emotionally from that violation.

Notwendy I think one of the reasons I shared the sexual abuse here (I still find it hard to call it that) was because I needed to hear exactly what you and others have said. All my life my family have invalidated my experience, become angry with me for bringing it up, it has always been my fault. My dad used to say women in short skirts were asking for it. I think he believed that I caused my abuser to prey upon me.

I was brought up by a horribly sexualised mother who abused my brother when drunk. Because we were middle class and my mother adept at manipulating and lying, they got away with the neglect. I was so vulnerable and compliant at 15 that I would have done anything to get "love" and safety. Even when the police investigated him many years later and told me I had a very strong case for statutory rape, my mothers first reponse was all about fear of what would happen to her and that she was too sick/old to deal with it. "Why do you want to put us through that?", was her question.

I think now I need to start exploring how this has affected me and what I have lost because of it and start to heal. My mother will always reframe it as something that I did/caused. She will always seek to rid herself of any shame. I will get there, I really believe I will. Thank you again for responding.

It just amazes me how long I have sat with this but never really considered how much it has affected me in so many areas of my life.

Goldcrest, I am so sorry for all that you have experienced. 

That your parents encouraged your relationship to this man is inconceivable.  There must have been something "in it for your mom".  She got something from this.

That they didn't support you when you made your disclosures at age 19, is horrendous and appalling.  I can't imagine what that was like for you.

That they didn't support you when the police said you had a case of statutory rape, is criminal.

Goldcrest, I don't know much about your relationship with your parents or your "obligations", but IMHO, you don't owe them anything.

Look after you Goldcrest.  Tons of support for you here.  :hug:

Thank you Methuen and thanks for the hug, it is much appreciated.

I think I only confronted my BPD mother once in person when I lost it emotionally as a teenager, but very often I have nightmares (decades later) in which I confront my mother during an abusive situation. It's like my brain practices and vents the emotions while I sleep! It used to be that I would scream at her in these dreams but since discovering this forum and other resources, my dream self can now sometimes manage to confront her more calmly and assert boundaries or leave unhealthy situations (depending whether I recognize that I'm an adult or if I'm a child or teen in the dream feeling the usual powerlessness). Clearly this forum is helping me grow even while sleeping! Thank you all, and I am so sorry to hear what you and others have gone through that makes us lose it with our ill parents, Goldcrest. :hug:

I have those dreams sometimes too.

It's interesting ...

The first time I had one of those dreams were after my daughter was born.  In those dreams, I would target uBPDm.

Before that, I would have those dreams, but the target wasn't my mother, it was one of my father's girlfriend. I always considered her the reason why our relationship broke for some reasons. Now I know better... Although she still created a lot of issues between dad and me.

Goldcrest-I am SO sorry to hear that this happened to you! I haven't posted in a while because I haven't found the strength to even begin to write out the amount of memories that have come up for me in the last months, however, reading your post made me feel really emotional. My experience was not the same, but I suppose sort of similar. Like you, it's something I'm just NOW able to really reflect upon and heal as well and I wanted to share.

My brother was almost 5 years older than me and had friends older than him. When I was about 15 one of his friends(who was in his mid 20s and a known alcoholic in our town) apparently came to our house to ask my Dad if he could take me out. My Dad, of course, told him no because I was 15! My mom, however, excitedly ran and told me this news as if she were a giddy schoolgirl! She told me how "cute" he was and basically told me how "LUCKY" I was that this "cute guy" (aka ADULT alcoholic MAN) had a crush on me! I was confused to say the least. Long story short this man molested me months later(although I only recently have labeled it as this) I believed it was my fault back then, because I had been frozen in fear physically and emotionally and I didn't understand what happened. Based on my mother's reaction to his "crush" on me, I wasn't even sure if I should be upset or happy that I had received the attention. Ultimately, I ignored that it had ever happened and made it a point to never be alone with this man again. However, because of my immaturity and lack of ANY sexual experience at that age, I do know it affected me. When I was around 20 years old this memory surfaced and I told my mother about it. Her response was to tell me that she remembered ME having a crush on HIM, essentially telling me it was MY fault that he did what he did.

I have been NC with my sick parents since Thanksgiving and have no desire to have any further contact. Interestingly enough my last straw was a delusional email she sent to me in response to my standing up for myself about her last abusive outburst. In this email she told me that all of the family issues are my fault because I was raped.The rape she is talking about is a date rape that I endured at age 18. I, of course, now understand that I was vulnerable to these abuses as a child/teen because I was already being abused in my home and that NONE of it was MY fault! I honestly don't know if parents like ours "don't know any better" or if it's more sinister. What I do know now is that WE should NOT be carrying the shame...it is not ours to carry! I've accepted that my parents will never "see" me or any of the pain that they've caused. I recently realized in therapy that they have caused such deep wounds that may take a lifetime to heal and these wounds/incidences don't even EXIST to them...they just simply don't exist...and they never will! I don't understand everything and I suppose I don't have much advice either... I just wanted to say you're not alone and you are SO strong! Processing is painful work! I'm just now realizing that doing it is for ME to drop the burdens to move on...it's no longer about me trying to make sense out of the nonsense that I call my childhood! Therapy and inner child meditations have helped me a lot. I've been very focused lately on giving myself the love that I've always deserved. I am becoming my own parent and best friend and I hope you can do the same for yourself! Sending you many hugs!

lm1109 I want to say thank you so much for sharing with me and I am just so sorry that you have been through what you have and the double pain of it being gas lighted. You are a survivor. It is really helpful to me to hear your thoughts and feelings around what you have been through. It validates some of my confusion and shame.

I'm looking at group work with women who have been sexually abused because where I am now in my life (nearly 50) I can see it has had a devastating effect on my ability experience intimacy of any level. I feel I am dirty. I also feel so different to other people that I am easily triggered to feel shame. I tend to stay on the periphery of "normal life". I have made a lot of progress in terms of valuing myself when I am alone and enjoy my own company but I know I long for a connection to others.  I also know the sexual abuse I experienced and my mothers continued hold on me, has wrecked my marriage. I know a lot LOL but I want to start healing and moving forwards now, to build a life which is more connected. I like who I am when alone but when I "see" myself in relation to others I start to feel I am less.

thank you again and lots of hugs to you. :hug:

Thank you Goldcrest, and wow, when you said
" I tend to stay on the periphery of "normal life" that REALLY resonated with me. I know what you mean about valuing yourself when alone but struggling to connect with others. I just told my therapist that I know who I am, I just can't seem be her out in the world. I guess it makes sense because I was never allowed to be her and I suppose I'm also still afraid... I don't know if I'm afraid of just judgement or maybe more abuse? I am able to be myself with my kids and husband but I really struggle outside of my house and with anyone else. Im 34 and I guess I assumed that I would just figure out how to have intimate friendships someday...but it just never happened. We have friends of the family(my husbands friends) that we get together with and other parents we are friendly with..but I really struggle to be close with anyone. It was pretty easy to hide when my kids were little because I was a stay at home mom and my life was all about them but I'm recognizing how lonely it's been trying to do life alone! I'm actually looking into the same sort of support groups. I think I also need to connect with other women who understand abuse because I just always feel like I don't fit in with "normal" people(or at least thats what I tell myself) I hope you find the right group for you and I wish you lots of healing...you deserve it :hug:

It's interesting. My problem tends to be the contrary. I open too much, too fast. And not everyone is comfortable with that. It pushes people away. I don't do it in a bad way, nor do I talk about my abuse but I just can't really stand small talk, and I can be brutally honest, sometimes about "taboo subject". I practiced small talk a lot though the past two years and I improved, but it still bored me to death. But I learned the hard way, not everyone can stand an "open person".

I have two close friends... I barely see them though, we live too far away now. We just talk on the phone. Those were the only two that opened back to me and confided deep things to me. I kept them secret and we have been friends ever since. We talk about us...

Maybe you are not the issue, maybe you just haven't met people like you yet, that want real connection.

Many people out there have superficial connections or have already filled their quotas. That's how it felt to me anyway... Like they didn't have the time to add another friend to their list...