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I have a sibling with suspected bpd.  She fell out with the family one by one.  I can't speak for others but I never wanted things to be this way between us but I had to take a step back from her. There was so much drama and hate from her at me. She interrogated me for every single feeling and emotion that she had. She ripped apart every aspect of my life.  She moved my and humiliated me with a smear campaign.  There's been years of abuse from her. That's only on me.  She behaved viciously towards others in the family too.  She was never physically violent to us so the police never helped us. It was all psychological abuse from her. Something so scary is that she moved out from the family home about 7 years ago.  This was around about the time of the fall out with us all. We haven't shared a physical life together in years yet her focus is still on us and the family.

I got a message from her to say that she's nearly homeless and she's coming home. She didn't even ask us to come home. The underlying time of the message was one of anger.

How can she think this is ok? It's been years since we've seen her and she was engaged in a vicious campaign of hate, anger and revenge.  Then she announces this. She hates us but she wants to come home to use the place for a roof over her head. 

How will I respond to that message? Do I reply back and tell her not to waste her time and go to a shelter? It do I continue ignoring her. The family is now equipped in knowing what to do.  We will call the police if she comes back and finally get her charged with all the abuse and harassment from all of these years.

Welcome RoseDance,  :hi:

It's nice to have you here as part of our family. I'm sorry for the conflict that brought you here, but this is definitely the right place to find some help and others who understand.

To help us understand a bit more, does your family (extended family, parents, children) still live in the same house that your sister would theoretically be coming back to?

It sounds like a potential for a lot of conflict picking up right where things were when she left.

 :hug:
Wools

Yes I have others living at home too.  It's me, another sibling and our mom.  She's the same way with them too. She hates all our guts.  She's still engaged in abuse and harassment to us.

It's been years since we've seen my sister.  We haven't shared a physical life together in years.  Then she sends me a message that was foul. It wasn't even asking us can she come home. It was an announcement that she's nearly homeless and she's coming home.

Hi Rosedance :hi:

Welcome.  It sounds like there has been a lot of chaos in the past, when she was living in the family home, and long after she left because of a "vicious campaign of hate, anger and revenge."  It sounds like it must be highly stressful.

Do you and others in the household feel safe (including emotionally) to invite her back?

It sounds like it has been stressful enough without her there (thinking of her vicioius campaign of hate, anger and revenge).  What would it be like to have her back inside the home?

If she's saying she is almost homeless, she may have had some bad luck, or she may have made poor choices along the way.  Either way, it sounds like she feels entitled to return home, without first asking.  That doesn't really sound like someone who is ready to contribute in a healthy way to making deposits as well as withdrawals to/from the family unit.  Inotherwords, are there more benefits than disadvantages?  Will she pay rent?  Will she help with the cleaning?  Cooking? Laundry?  Will she bring health and humour to the family dynamic, or will she bring chaos?  Will she bring a sense of safety?  These are important things to consider.  There are probably many other things to consider that we don't know about.

The family doesn't "owe" her.  She is an adult now, and responsible for herself.  The family is not responsible for her.  It is the family's choice to support her by inviting her back home, offering support in other ways (just keeping an open line of communication), or keeping a safe distance.  Inotherwords, there is no obligation to take her in because you are family.  Her past behavior and lack of respect to the family is a consideration.

An option, would be to offer suggestions, such as a women's shelter, looking at rentals, etc.
But then again, perhaps you don't want to do that.  Perhaps having her in your town/city might be too close.  It depends on the situation, and how safe everyone feels.  Right now is the time to make your boundaries clear.  That's the easy part.  If she came to live near you or with you, enforcing boundaries once she is there, would be the hard part.

Do you know what her history has been since she left home?  Has she had brushes with the law?  Does she have any debts?  Has she, or is she using drugs or alcohol?  You have a right to know what she has been involved in since she left home.  

Consensus and agreement between you, your mom and your sibling is important, whatever the decision.  There is no easy answer.  Any decision will probably be hard.  

  

1. Do you want her to come home.
2. Do you (all) feel obligated.
3. Do you feel that you all might let her assuming "no" and "yes"
4. Do you feel powerless to stop her from barging rudely back into your lives?

5. Or all you all in accord that no way are you going to receive her back into the home?

As such, a BIFF response  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=134124.0) is warranted. Brief, Informative, Friendly, FIRM.