BPDFamily.com

Hi,
It was very difficult for me to register and to post. 

My father never recognized that my mother could be living with BPD. Based on my interaction with my mother, my entire life I have believed that everything, every situation, every mistake was my father's fault or my fault. My father passed away and now I am the direct target.  A friend recommended that I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  I am reading it.  It is very helpful.

I feel like a fool.  Like my life has been a lie.  It never occurred to me that my mother could be ill.  That was not our family paradigm. I take her outbursts to personally.  I recently learned that I never had a loving, caring relationship with my mom and it makes me very sad.  I am an only child. I am trying to redefine my entire life with her.

 I have to interact with her.  She is in an assisted living facility and she can't take care of herself, which has caused her to ramp up her rage and guilt episodes with me.

I feel like a complete fool, because I have been living a lie my entire life.

Hi Sackett,

I read this post and I just wanted to start by saying three things -

1) Welcome. Sorry you are here but glad you found us. You'll find this is a place full of wisdom, empty of judgement.

2) Congratulations on working up the courage to post. Sometimes that first step can feel huge.

3) I'm not the child of a parent with a mood disorder. I was in the rather abusive relationship with a pwBPD. And I can empathize with feeling like a fool. I felt the same - maybe for different reasons but also I'd say that when information like this hits us, I can throw us for a major, major loop. 

So just reach out any time. 

Hang in there.

Rev

Hi Sackett!

I understand so very well. I had a "good" relationship with my mother. Then I had my first daughter. And something hit me, an 18-wheels of intuition. And I realized that something was off in my father-mother-me triangle. All my life, I had been led to believe he was the narcissistic abuser, and her the good parent... When it had always been the other way around. Took me another three years after the realization that my mother was behind the problems in my father and I relationship to realize she was BPD. It is a very long process. The good thing is : the hardest part is behind you (in my own experience anyway, realizing it is BPD came with so much relief... I hope it brings you relief as well to finally know what was wrong...)

Another users here sent me an amazing link about this specific dynamic (demonizing the other parent). I will find it again

found it: https://drcachildress.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/AB-PA-in-Diagrams-Childress-2013.pdf
If you feel like understanding the science behind it. I personally find it very helpful to understand things. It helps me cope better.

It's a big hit, to be sure. Like discovering a whole new side to yourself. It will take some time to integrate this "new you" and this "new her".

Also, I am sorry for your loss...

I just re-read your post, I am not sure the article will be helpful to you. But I wanted to add: do not feel like a fool.

BPD is a very complex disorder and they are experts in manipulating people around them to carry the weight of their own emotions. As her child, you didn't stand a chance, it was your normal.

Even now that I know my mother is BPD, I still tend to "forget" and doubt this ever happened. I doubt myself, I say to myself : "surely it wasn't that bad...", but then, I was trained to not see my truth and to only see her truth. It is a long process to untangle ourselves from their emotions and their persona.

Offer yourself only compassion right now, no guilt and no shame.

Hi Sackett,  :hi:

I would like to join the others in welcoming you.


I can read between the lines and hear how sad and filled with grief you are. It can be both shocking and overwhelming to have the light bulb of truth turn on. For a time you will need to allow yourself to feel these emotions and emerge yourself in kindness towards you and your deceased father, especially as you discover more truth.

Do you have a T (therapist or counselor) yet? I would highly recommend it. My T has been a lifesaver.

We'll be here to walk alongside of you. Post whatever you need to. We will listen.

 :hug:
Wools

Welcome Sackett!  :hi:
I'm sorry you have to go through the loss of basically both parents relationships. I hope you find the forum helpful, I did. I'm an only child of a BPD mother also.  That seems to add to my pressure of being her emotional caretaker, but I realized last year that I wouldn't do such things to my own daughter whether she was my only or not! Like you, I felt like a fool for not realizing 1) how sick mom was and 2) I could've discovered some answers many years earlier if I'd pursued them. But really this is not our job as children.

Best of luck on your journey of truth and discovery!