BPDFamily.com

Not really sure where to even start with a recap of this very long process. I moved out of our house about six years ago and we haven't lived together for any significant period of time since then. I retained an attorney almost three years ago. I told her I wanted a D over two years ago. I filed for D in July 2020. I got an order of protection against her in November 2021. We had a disaster of a mediation in July 2021. The trial was postponed from October 2021 until the end of January 2022. From August 2021 until now we have pretty much been on our own trying to figure out some kind of agreement. And today, that part of all of this is finally done.

It's not a great settlement for me. It has significant support obligations for a significant period of time, and she gets a very favorable division of assets. The biggest concession was agreeing to a legal separation instead of a D. This was entirely about health insurance and being able to stay on my insurance. She has expensive, ongoing health care needs, and after looking more closely at any other possible options, there really weren't any. It was either get separated and continue paying $100/month on her premium, or get a D and spend $1000/month on her premium. After two years it can be converted to a D whether she wants to or not, and there are no further health care obligations on my end after it is converted to a D. The agreement we signed will be the divorce settlement. There is nothing else to negotiate or revisit, and that is written into the agreement.

I undoubtedly would have done "better" in court, but I am still convinced that that would have ended up being much worse and more expensive in the long run. At the end of the day, I am fine with this agreement and really happy that the legal part of all of this is done. It would be impossible for me to express how negative my view of our family law system here is. I would like to say the lawyers helped in some way, but it's hard to figure out what either of them ever did that was even mildly helpful, and more often than not, they made things worse. If we had children, I might think differently about this, but in my case, I would've been better off with about 95% less involvement of lawyers. There are lots of things I probably would've done differently with the benefit of hindsight, but I didn't have that. It is what it is, and despite not being a particularly favorable settlement for me, I'm happy about it and feel like it's a huge step forward.
 

The good news is that it can be converted to a divorce in two years.  :wee:

I think this is great. PwBPD have significant impairments. I don't think a court system would consider a fast split - leaving them to fend for themselves with little skill or emotional ability to do so. 2 years seems reasonable for someone in her situation to- get a job, or treatment, or remarry- but this also gives you a point where you are not obligated. Considering the situation it seems more humane than a sudden cut off, and yet, you know there's a limit for your support as well. Money is important but so is being realistic about her abilities. This looks like a good solution. Congrats.

It's been a long, hard road for you. This settlement lets you know it's final and you're through with the legal miasma.

Oh, to be clear, I still have support obligations when it is converted to a D. I just don't have any specific obligation related to her health care. So it's not that good of a deal, but it does give her time to figure out her health care situation. There is still a limit to all of my support obligations, but it is further out than 2 years. And I'm okay with that. My best outcome is for her to have the resources she needs right now to move on with her life. I am hopeful that with all of this legal stuff behind us, she will start to do that.

Maybe it's not the best in terms of finances, but this isn't a typical situation. The financial cost of divorcing a person who is emotionally impaired is significant, but the financial and emotional costs of staying are too. From your posts, I read that she damaged property and interrupted you at work. Without being interrupted at work, or emotionally stressed, you will be more productive - this may lead to advancement in your career. Then there's the benefit of a more peaceful living situation and less relationship stress.

So I am looking at this from a more overall perspective than in dollars. A divorce from a seriously mentally ill person may require more extensive financial support than in other cases. Maybe your apartment will be smaller, you will drive an older car, but there are intangible gains for you too.

Is there anything that keeps her from taking to back to court on the healthcare terms or any other part of the agreement?

It does sound like the best of the situation.

My buddy and coworker divorced his likely BPD wife about 20 years ago. He got the every other weekend custody and a weekday,, typical at the time, and took a big financial hit in CS and split assets (he made a higher salary and had a condo). His terrible lawyer was later disbarred for other reasons. His exW later came to his home and assaulted him,  yet the cops deemed it mutual combat despite that he was the one with bloody scratches on his face.

Yet he recovered, remarried and at 57 has an 8 year old with a good wife. He's recovered financially and emotionally and is happy. We still talk about BPD weekly at lunch  :(

You'll do OK with time.

 Must have been a long marriage 10+ years ? If so the losses are not too bad.

Notwendy--I completely agree. All in all, I'm happy with this settlement despite the financial impact. There is more to life than my finances.

fisher--There is not. In theory, she could ask the court to modify the terms of the settlement at some later time. I don't think she will unless something genuinely catastrophic happens, and I also don't think she would be successful in getting the terms modified. So I don't worry a whole lot about that, but who knows.

NotAHero--Yes. We've lived together for 16 years, married for 11 years.

Courts used to award lifetime alimony to long marriages such as 20 years.  I think Michigan may still try to do that, not sure.

In decades past alimony used to end if the ex got married again, but these days many don't bother getting married, and risk of losing alimony is another reason they may avoid remarriage.

These days alimony is viewed as short term transitional assistance to the financially disadvantaged ex, typically no more than half the length of the marriage, and often less.  (My alimony was surprisingly short, for 3 years after the final decree.  (2 months for each year @ 18 years)

Some states may view living together like palimony and so may include those early years.

I think that's generally true about the changes in how alimony is viewed, but nowhere close to being some universal view of alimony held by the courts. It very much depends on where you are and who the judge is.

I think it must vary some from state to state and also according to circumstances. I think some people have more difficulty being prepared to function in the workplace and severe BPD may impact this. My guess is that alimony might be adjusted to these situations.

I think it's both expensive to divorce and also expensive to stay, in terms of time and energy as well. I think there's a cost to either decision, and so the bottom line may be what the partner wants. These decisions are complicated. I think it's an accomplishment for stolencrumbs to have arrived at this place in his goals.

Honestly I think that most of us in here end up losing a lot of feathers in the ordeal. 

I'll be stuck losing on lots of money because we couldn't deal with the house and there is a major bubble in Canada, and I'll be stuck paying years and years of spousal support, in addition to 10's of thousands in legal fees.   It sucks. It puts my kids future at risk, and my retirement in doubts but like you, it could have been worse. It sucks and it's not fair, but it is what it is. 

Someone once told me after a bad court day "You can complain about being shot for a while, but now is the time to take the bullet out and heal so you can move on". 

We understand your situation all too well

I remember feeling really burned after my settlement with my ex. I had to pay of tens of thousands of dollars on the credit card bill he ran up after we separated. Then I had to buy him out of the property I bought with my inheritance. After all that, I discovered he’d run up charges on an account we had with the hardware store and I had to pay that too.

At the time, my lawyer said it would cost less to pay it than to fight it in court. It was a bitter pill.

Yet, years later, I feel like I got out of it with a fabulous bargain. The property I bought for 40K is now worth a million and a half, and I no longer have to see him ever again.  :wee: