BPDFamily.com

Hi, haven't been active here for a while now. I have made a new LN account because I got a new internship recently so thought it would help. I was doing fine for a while but I accidentally came across her profile and the memories resurfaced again. I didn't click on her profile because I know she would get a notification if I do.

I'm posting here so you guys smack some sense into me. I am sure it's a wrong idea but I can't stop my brain ruminating for some reason.

To add some context, it's been one year since I got discarded after marriage talk and all that bs. Even 12 hours before the discard we were talking about marriage and then I got dropped like an old sock.

i think its important to see this for what it is: a trigger, and a test of where you are at in your detaching process.

not, necessarily, a compelling reason to reach out to her.

seeing what an ex is up to (especially after such a heartbreaking ending) can really mess with you. ive been there a few times. its sort of like seeing a ghost. and it really stirs everything up.

trust that those feelings, the urgent ones you are feeling now, will slowly but surely recede over time. its also important to feel them, to tap into them, and to work through them. your ex, or reaching out to her, wont be able to help you do that.

youve seen what youve seen. the next time, if there is one, it will hurt less.

if, after the feelings recede, there is a compelling reason to reach out to her, you will know it, and you will know what it is.

Thanks, it really does make sense. I just hope these triggers recede over time. I just want to ask her how she'd been doing. I know, this time last year I was traumatized. Couldn't make sense of anything and contemplating ending it all. My life has improved significantly over the year but it's just the lack of closure that's still hanging over as some business that will always be unfinished.

When I looked at her socials a few months ago, she'd been absolutely fine: new relationship, she's become very grandiose and flashy, just fishing for attention from wherever she can gather it which is so unlike her when I was w her. She was this self-loathing, emotionally unstable, childlike going to sleep with her stuffed animals and now all of a sudden she's this overt grandiose narcissist which really messes up my head.

Thanks for your response though. I know its a bad idea to reach out but it'll always hurt that she blocked me before she could even face my questions or separate with some mutual respect and closure. She never unblocked me to this day. It sucks but nothing I can change now.

Hi redhaired! I'm new here, but because I can relate to your situation, I'm happy to read your life has improved. I'm sure the triggers will recede if you let them.

But let me ask you this: Do you, in your heart of hearts, expect calling her would settle all your unfinished business with her and give you closure? 

Calling her won’t change the past and it won’t make her stop having a very real and tragic mental illness. People with BPD don’t think logically. It’s a sad lesson to learn but they’re never going to snap out of it. Therapy and counseling for YEARS is the only way BPDs can turn the corner and start healing.

The guy she’s with now will experience the same heartbreak you did last year. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow, maybe in a year or more. But it WILL happen. Because that’s how BPD works. It doesn’t go away. It doesn’t automatically get better. It doesn’t change with each new relationship she’s in. Odds are she’s had several boyfriends in the past year. And that’s just how it goes. You did nothing wrong in the relationship you had with her. She’s mentally ill. Never forget that. Not “oh she’s crazy” mentally ill - but GENUINELY unstable and sick.

My therapist gave me invaluable advice the other day. My two year relationship ended SO suddenly and SO unexpectedly after being totally ghosted.

I too have had to come to terms with having no “closure”.

My therapist asked me the other day, what would closure look like? Are you wanting reassurance that they loved and cared and that the relationship was real for them too? What if you sought closure and they told you the opposite, would that even be evidence of the truth?

Even if you did reach out, it’s so unlikely you are going to get the answers you so truely desire.

Closure is best addressed when WE answer the questions we so long to know.

I hope you are doing ok !

As far as I can tell, peoples with BPD care a lot... they can't do anything without completely throwing themselves in it. and that is beautiful, wouldn't it be that they can also paint that same thing/person completely black when they feel rejected or hurt.
Still, to me, that is not proof of not caring, more that the hurt is TOO big for them to feel.. following denial and sometimes seemingly 'quick' moving to someone else. 
My ex is highly intelligent and has a brilliant memory. Also a memory for people he loved that have hurt him. There is no doubt he has the same memory for where he felt loved. In the end I feel we are all similar as humans only BPD's emotions are a bit more disorganised than 'average'.

My experience, and I have a lot of it with one person who discarded me many times, is that you will not get answers or closure from the person who harmed you. They can't. They didn't experience the relationship the way you did and they don't remember it the same way. They have moved on and they are not going to be kind unless they are going to set you up for another trip on their merry-go-round. I'm sorry. I do understand your need; I often feel the same. But they are incapable.