BPDFamily.com

So alas…. I must admit, I’m scratching my head.

I’ve studied clusterB, BPD et al - extensively.


That said, it seems that most all I can find are stories of the, high rage, key throwing, episode causing - pwBPD


I’m not sure if maybe the lack of rage or devaluation was possibly due to the fact that I had studied so much about high conflict couples and cluster B after a few failed relationships… I had done a LOT of work to  “hold space” appropriately for conflict and what I would call “the heaviness” yes things got very heavy, almost as the constant and only tone she had, after the introductory “high”. Anyhow, I’m not sure why..   but my exFiance seems to be extremely BPD (undiagnosed) but without showing the rage side while we were together.  (Family history, abuse, early parental death etc)

Towards the end of the relationship (let’s say the last month) it was getting heavy, and I CONSTANTLY had to hold as
Much space as possible to not be triggered, multiple times a day..  but that said, there was no rage, just what I would describe as super heavy and her internally spinning…  but. With all that was within me I would either keep things calm or casually remove myself and go somewhere else. Until the day sue didn’t come home. Then broke things off the following day, crying in my arms, asking if she did the wrong thing, etc. Then the next day when she came to start moving things out, there was trigger after trigger after trigger. So much so I had to leave and ask her to return the keys when she was out (with a note). Of which a stern “why the … didn’t you tell me you weren’t going to be here” was texted, as I think she wasn’t happy to just leave the ring on the table. Which led to complete ghosting, Followed by me emailing asks g for coffee and her attempting a DVRO.

ANYHOW….

I guess I’m just a bit baffled. Most EVERY BPD story here has “she/he loved me in the morning and hated me at night”.  In my last experience (not only). That NEVER happened, but then KABOOM it all melted. 

 Since I was sent screenshots that she’s professed her love for a 24yr old female in social media  (1: I’m blocked but word travels in a small town, 2: she’s 38, and not that I have a problem with the age or gender, she also swore to be Entirely Straight, and almost accusative of women she believed to be Bisexual 3: one of my friends that saw it and knows her said, “She’s not a lesbian, she’s either way off the rails or she knew this would get to you and she’s making it seem like she’s turned sexuality) Not that it actually matters TBH, just giving context to the bananas that this is…. Beyond that, since she left I started receiving requests from several fake accounts asking me random “love” questions on social media as well - of which she had suspicions an ex boyfriend had done to her while we were together…  guilty conscious?


Okay maybe this is just a rant and me trying to figure some pieces out. We never had the “devaluation” phase until after the discard..  I’m not sure I’ve seen that here.

Has anyone seen this play out?


Thanks for listening/reading

I never saw my ex rage, never saw him go from 0-100 at the blink of an eye, never saw him get violent. I, too, felt like a lot of the exes I see on the boards were nothing like my ex. Even though my ex shows at least 7 of the 9 symptoms of BPD, I often questioned whether he really has BPD (he's undiagnosed but he told me he believes he has it and it fits)- until I read up on "quiet" BPD - basically when someone has BPD but turns the symptoms inward.

Like you, everything was great and then one day he dumped me for someone else. No warning, no discussion just...dumped.  The second go-round was similar - only that time I was still hurting and felt like he was using me to get over his ex (the woman he discarded me for) and that hit too close to home and he completely cut me off that time - again, no discussion, no warning just "you're an amazing woman but I'm not going to respond to you anymore" [yes this was via text] - and he didn't talk to me for more than 3 months. At the time I was completely devastated but in hindsight it was exactly what I needed to heal and see clearly how messed up he actually is. Finding these boards during that time helped me immensely. Sadly, he reached out to me again in November and I got sucked back in a third time. I realized it pretty quickly and have distanced myself from him, though I haven't cut off contact completely.

Whatever devaluation of me he did was in his own head. I never saw or heard anything but it obviously happened. TBH I wish he raged at me- that is one thing I wouldn't have abided and I would have let go so much easier and faster lol.

My undiagnosed partner also doesn't have much in the way of rages.  It feels like a high-functioning or quiet BPD.  Also the waif-subtype (see https://outofthefog.website/personality-disorders-1/borderline-mother-types )

She is in the process of moving out/divorcing me now after 25 years.  I have been working on myself and trying to hold lots of space.  She is treating me better now, than she has in a long time.  I got 4 hugs this past week that she initiated, which is more than in the year prior.

I have stopped trying to convince her with logic.  I am not JADEing (justify, argue, defend, or explain)

I am finding something to validate in everything she says.  Even if I disagree with the actions - I can still validate that she is feeling what she is feeling.

I am changing the way I look at her.  Instead of viewing it through the lens of mental illness and blame - I am looking at what I am doing to make her feel emotionally safe in every moment.

I understand that she has to make her own decisions.  I cannot caretake her.  She will do what she thinks is best.


I am seeing positive signs of her opening up to me.  Maybe this relationship can be saved.  But I am not tethered to the outcome.