BPDFamily.com

As I read through these threads, my situation seems minor in comparison, but it is becoming unbearable quickly. My dd is almost 24. She had some difficult times, beginning in middle school with relationships, etc. We had her in counseling and I spent countless hours with her, comforting her, providing for her needs, supporting her, etc. When she went to college, she became involved in a difficult relationship, which she did not share with me until it was over. I paid her fines for weed and possession, which were related to the boyfriend, etc. Her college ended in March 2020, due to covid, in part. But if I am honest, she was not doing well, floundering, etc. Since then, it has been a roller coaster. To bring us to now, before Thanksgiving, there have been very abrupt changes. She started raging, mostly at me, stating that I never provided her with the emotional support she needed, among other things. It was so bad that my younger dtr could not handle it anymore and I helped her move out. We learned to live together, with minimal interaction. Then, she got covid, and brought it to me. She regressed like a small child, requiring constant reassurance that she was going to be ok, etc. This was very intense, on a different scale. Then, 2 days later, snapped back to telling me that she doesn't feel emotionally safe with me, etc. She continued to flip back and forth a bit. Then, the other day, she says "you know, we are not cool." At this point, I replied "No, we are not and after the past couple of weeks, I think we need to go back to minimal, cordial contact as I don't feel emotionally safe with you." I think she was not expecting this as she said "PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) you, you make me sick." Now, she continues to slam doors and make demands, while my husband and I try to remain as calm as possible. We have given her a car, for which she holds no responsibility, housing and food, and she just feels entitled to more. She treats us with such disrespect. This morning, screaming about needing something done on her car and unhappy when we didn't jump and immediately cater to her. Calls us by our first names, I guess, to further make a point? She stopped taking all meds and is not in any type of counseling. She has already been in counseling on and off for about 13 years. I just don't know what is next. This isn't helping her or us but we don't want to make her leave because well, safety, etc. She never, ever raged like this in her life until the past few months. She would have periods of deep depression but this is so different.

Hello hiding -
I'm very sorry to read about what you're enduring. It must be very difficult having your daughter in the house and not feeling like there are many options, if any. My daughter is 10 years older than yours, but we've also had at least 13 roller-coaster years and plenty of drama during her teens when she lived at home. 
Has your daughter ever taken you up on working with a third party to mediate?
I hope your other daughter is ok and that you and your husband can stay strong and safe.
You're not alone.
T

Hi Tulipps, thanks for responding! Yes, I have in fact told my daughter that we will not engage in those emotional discussions without a third party. I thought that she would want to engage the third party herself but now she says that I am the one that feels it is needed. I have my own therapist, whom my daughter has met, but I don't think that would be a good resource for a variety of reasons. I wanted it to be someone who knew my daughter because it seems it would be a bit bizarre to go into a third party that knows very little and for all this rage to start, but maybe there are therapists that understand that? My other barrier is that we have an HMO and they changed the rules this year and I have to get a referral from my PCP. I have been "out of the loop" with MD's for a few years but have an appt. on 2/28. I will definitely do what I can do. In addition to being numb to her behaviors it is so incredibly sad to see this person in front of me that I don't even know and who is obviously struggling and I can't help. I keep in mind from the book "Walking on Egg Shells" - I didn't cause it, I can't control it. I can't cure it.