BPDFamily.com

Over the last half year I've been working to implement some of the tools I've learned: staying calm, not invalidating, self-care, holding boundaries, attempting to validate my husband. Overall, I've been feeling much better while our marriage relationship has worsened. (I recall a line from Marsha Linehan's recent memoir--she developed Dialectical Behavioral Therapy which has been shown to help with BPD--in which she tells a suicidal man something like, "Just because your marriage is awful doesn't mean the rest of your life has to be bad!"  :)

One thing that has given me hope recently is a subtle but striking change in our children's response to their dad's dysregulation. Previously, my husband's dysregulation and ensuing arguments between us would essentially dysregulate the children, leading me to feel even more overwhelmed, treat the children harshly, and a continued downward spiral as my husband would then criticize my parenting instead of helping with the children, etc. On two recent occasions when my husband over-reacted, the children remained calm, acknowledged and showed mild interest/concern in their dad, but then soon returned to the better thing they'd been doing before his outburst. I do believe I've been modeling this myself and they've picked up on it (without me having to say a word).  :wee:

That's so great!  And hopeful.  I've been trying the same thing just for about a month with the same effect (marriage worsening significantly).  But I very much want this to be the impact with our kids. Hope it continues!

Zondolit, well done! I’m pleased to hear your children are learning to respond better through following your example. This is my goal for our little ones who are only 2 years, and 8 months old. I’m so glad I found the group here when I did. Our eldest was exposed to lots of screeching during her first year but things seem so much more stable now. I really hope I can help the children to cope with my wife’s behaviour, as you have with yours.

My 10-year old daughter does this. But how do you know their reaction comes from a healthy place? I worry that my daughter is sticking her head in the sand, and this will cause issues later on.

There has been a change in my children's behavior. It feels as if a dysfunctional pattern that we didn't know how to get out of has been shattered. My kids and I have been able to acknowledge my husband's negative emotional states without falling into the trap of taking them on ourselves. It is very freeing! Like a great burden lifted.