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My husband gets into *dark moods*. He doesn’t try to inflict them upon me, but nevertheless lots of times he just looks grumpy and can be cold and withdrawn.

If I were to behave the same way, he would accuse me of “not being friendly.”

I’ve noticed a pattern in my behavior, where I will try to amuse or entertain him, hoping to lift him out of *the mood*. It seldom works and usually I feel a hit to my self esteem after doing so.

Just realized that this is behavior I learned as a child, feeling it was my job to make my mother feel better.

Now I know it’s NOT MY JOB to be his cheerleader. Instead, I’m going to do something enjoyable.

I did this today and after a while he sought me out for a pleasant conversation.   :wee:

I'm going to make this my goal for the next week!

I agree, Cat, and you know where we got this sense of unease when someone around us is in a bad mood.  It was "our responsibility" to be emotional caretakers of our BPD mothers.

It also comes down to how we manage our own uncomfortable feelings. If someone is in a bad mood, I feel discomfort, as if I have to do something about it. Maybe someone else who wasn't raised to fix another's bad mood could just ignore it but the feeling as if we have to do something to fix it is what we are used to and we can work on that.

And that "icky" feeling when we do it- that's something I have learned to pay attention to.

When we let them deal with their own bad mood- we let them be responsible for it. On our part, we need to learn to manage that feeling of discomfort around a person in a bad mood. I start to think "it's my fault, what have I done"- well maybe nothing. Maybe they are mad at something else, or just irritable and it has nothing to do with me.

It's hard to shake feeling responsible but once we get better at it, it's nice to just be able to go about our business and let others manage their own moods.

”If someone is in a bad mood, I feel discomfort, as if I have to do something about it. Maybe someone else who wasn't raised to fix another's bad mood could just ignore it but the feeling as if we have to do something to fix it is what we are used to and we can work on that.”

Working on ourselves can uncover all sorts of uncomfortable truths. It just occurred to me the reason why I’m so much more fluent writing than I am speaking is also due to growing up with a BPD mother.

When I had that revelation, I started remembering several scenes from my childhood where I was told not to talk back, or shamed for sharing my thoughts.

Our childhoods can really shape our futures.  :(

Believe it or not, I’ve gotten to the place where I realize how beneficial it’s been for me to learn about BPD and how to not make things worse. That I have a partner who has other admirable traits certainly has been helpful. However learning how to deal with the occasional BPD demons that show up has motivated me to be more mindful of my OWN behavior and beliefs.

What have you realized about yourself as you’ve learned more about BPD?

I've learned that, paradoxically, I have better empathy and compassion when I maintain more/better distance.

I have learnt that I am loony as a coot. My childhood gets described with stories from concentration camp survivors and my therapist agrees it's like that. :( The raving loony part of that is that is perfectly normal to me. People have to throw A LOT of abuse before I even pick up that there is something wrong. Working to denormalize the crazy and very grateful to my pwBPD who puts up with me. When I said 'don't let crazy run your life' I had no idea I meant me  lol
Yes, I too have decided to give nobody the power to hijack my amygdala. Handled a dysregulation this evening by shutting up and focusing on my breathing. It went beautifully and we ended up with mutual I love you's . Bless these boards :)

I’ve learned that I’m really fussy about how things are put away. There is a right way, and that is my way, and every other way is wrong.  *) :cursing: lol

This goes for dishes in the cupboard to horse tack in the barn, and don’t get me started on the workshop in the basement!

My husband feels oppressed by having to follow all the *rules* when to me, it’s just common sense.

OK, so I’m a little OCD. What’s new? At least I’m hands off on his possessions.

I have learned that due to my own childhood abandonment issues and cPTSD that I actually create the situation for him to disrespect/use me/treat me poorly - because I am not standing up for myself or my own needs and desires. Like Oprah said, “You teach people how to treat you.” And I have been teaching people to treat me like a doormat.

It took me until I got into a relationship with a pwBPD to actually recognize this so for that I thank him. I can now take action to work on myself.

I have learned that I didn't need to get angry or irritated when someone is unreliable, late, does something dumb. I learned I can control myself, and that getting irritated never changed things anyway.

I have learned I am capable of great denial (pretending my marriage was okay when it wasn't).

That just because someone doesn't act like my BPD mother, doesn't mean they aren't dysfunctional!

I think my whole reference point for what is dysfunctional was influenced by growing up with someone with extreme behaviors.

I think overall, we kids turned out OK and feel lucky that none of us have BPD or such extreme behaviors. But this didn't mean we didn't have some personal work to do, or that we'd be prone to repeating some of the dynamics I observed in my parents' relationship on a lesser level, but still not without issues.

My idea of what behaviors I thought were good growing up was to "not be like my mother".  I thought that was enough- to just not act like her. I saw my father as the "normal" one, and in comparison, he was but also enabling and co-dependent behaviors became the "normal" for our family. I didn't see them as anything but normal and thought this is how I needed to be in other relationships in order for people to like me.

It was later that I saw these behaviors as contributing to dysfunction. Along the way a few people would mention "co dependent" to me and I just couldn't relate. I wasn't dependent, I had a job, could support myself- I didn't feel I was dependent on anyone. But eventually these patterns resulted in me being unhappy and I had to look at them and understand what this really means and how to work on them.

I guess I’m pretty comfortable with this truth, though it probably sounds manipulative and arrogant to others. Since I train a variety of animals here on my ranch, to be good citizens and cooperate with what I ask them to do, I also use the same strategies with my husband.

I’ve learned that to elicit cooperation, you must build a foundation of love and trust first. An animal has to want to be with you and then they will be willing to accommodate requests.

From horse training, there is a phrase, “Reward the slightest try.” This is all about shaping behavior. You break things down into small parts and teach those parts independently, later putting them together.

How this translates into human behavior: most people come here with complex issues that have taken time to develop. It’s unreasonable to think that long-standing issues can be cleared up overnight. Find one small piece of behavior that is problematic and focus on that. Reward the slightest try you see for improved behavior. Build from there.

Another phrase from horse training: “Make the wrong thing hard and the right thing easy.” How I interpret that in human relationships is: “When you behave in a pleasant way, I want to spend time with you. When you’re unpleasant, I don’t.” Of course, I don’t say this out loud, but I definitely remember to reinforce good behavior and ignore (or remove myself from) bad behavior.

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.  lol

Lol Cat- whatever works, right?

All organism behaviors work in a system of reinforcement. If reinforced, they will continued and if not, they won't.

Even the most dysfunctional behaviors have a cost, and a payoff. Discovering that is a key to changing them- not just for the other person but for the people in a relationship with them as well.

The difference may be that a horse will be happy with an apple. Humans not so much  lol

My ocd acts up.   Friends in relationships don’t have to over think much at all But I, for some reason will end up thinking about the craziest things like “sh***t I wonder if his my legs are crossed will set her off”. That’s a big hyperbole, but not too far off.