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It has been now a month since I broke up with my ex-gf. I did that finally because I could not take it anymore. We have been together for 5 years, but the last 2 were like hell for me. Physical and emotional abuse, violence and manipulation. In the first 3 years, before my kid was born, I took  part of this drama actively. I had also my own issues until I started therapy and started getting better. My therapist was the one who drew my attention that she might have BPD. He told me that what I see now is an accurate version of her, and the idealization I lived at the beginning was just a phase that won't come back. And he advised me to not engage in this drama, and that what I did.

When I stepped out of this madness, I felt that I was like an employee in a psychiatric ward. I had always to "manage" her, so she does not get violent and raged. I had to protect myself and my child from her rage. That when the walking on eggshells started, because I was afraid all the time of her reaction. I did not even dare to criticize her anymore. Every day, when I went back home from work, I had to worry if there would be a fight today or not. I did not dare to see my friends and family anymore because this would make her very fearful. When I asked her why, she told me that she was afraid that the people would take me away from her, and that she would be left alone. I felt alone and isolated.

Until November from last year, when I could not sleep anymore. I went for several nights with very little sleep, because of the stress and panic. In December, we had a big fight, and she asked me to leave. When I packed my stuff, she got afraid and said if I don't tell her where I am going, she would call the police and tell them that I was mentally instable and that I intended to hurt myself. I stayed home at that night and the next day I went on a tour to visit some friends and family members around the country. But never came back home.

I did not really per se plan to not come back. My best friend saw how miserable I was and the lack of sleep, and we had long discussions about the situation. That when the decision came to leave this relationship. I told her that I wanted a small break from the relationship but that I would come back when I feel better, then secretly I went home and gathered my important stuff and left for good. I broke up with her the next day.

Now I feel broken. I feel sorry for her that I dumped her this way, but also I feel sorry for myself, that I had to endure all this madness. I am also very regretful that I did not take the early signs seriously, even though several of my friends and family members warned me that there was something off with her. I ignored everyone's opinion and moved in with her. Even had a child.

I now live with my brother for a while until I find an apartment. The problem is that my ex is not cooperating with me to solve the remaining issues. We had a mutual rented apartment and a child, whom I miss very much! What to do here? How can I get her to cooperate ? She told one of our mutual friends that she is hurt because I broke up with her via a whatsapp message and that I should have called her at least. But I did not want to do that because I was afraid that I would get sucked in again. I want to give myself some time to heal, but also communicate with her to solve the remaining issues. How can I do that? what do you think is the best possible way to keep contact limited? Also, as  I said, I feel very miserable at the moment, is it going to get better?

I'd really appreciate your insight and advice as to where to go from here.

Thanks for reading   

It's good that you are posting. Many people on this board have been through similar experiences and can support and help you.

What are your primary concerns right now -- the emotional aspects of detaching from the relationship, or gaining legal access to your child? What do you see as your responsibilities to your child right now?

Thanks for the answer!

I have several concerns right now. First one is my emotional stability. I don't know why, but I feel a huge amount of guilt! I feel guilty for leaving. I feel like I am responsible for the happiness and misery of my ex. I also miss my child and am afraid that she would forget me with time if I don't show up soon, which is something I can't control at the moment. At the same time, I am very afraid of the future. My therapist believes that my dependency on my ex was the reason why I stayed all this time. He thinks that deep inside, I feel like a little kid who can not depend on himself to survive. Although, I am fairly successful person with master degree in engineering, and I have a great career but still deep down I feel weak and in need of care. This is something I am working on with my therapist but still, breaking up is hard! Even though the relationship was a struggle lately, but I still miss the good time with her. She is not a bad person , she is only severly sick!

The second thing is my child. In Germany, the law is biased towards the mother, so a legal battle would most probably fail. And honestly, I don't know if I can take care of a 2 yo child full time. She needs her mother and I work full time. The law here states that I should have access to my child regularly, but the mother could make it easier or harder. So I hope my ex would cooperate so we can raise our kid together even though we are separated. I love my child very much and I want to be part of her life. But afraid of what might me ex does.

Lastly, there is the pain of finding an accommodation and taking my remaining stuff from the apartment. Also my ex does not work so I am not sure if she can pay the rent for our mutual apartment. And I can't afford to pay 2 apartments for long. Maybe she can get help from the social services but I am not sure how long this would take.

I am mostly in a state of fear and sometimes anger. I can not sleep well at night and am waiting for this whole nightmare to end.

I'm hearing several points that are good to hear:

1) You sound very clear on the three priorities right now.

2) You are seeing a therapist with a clear idea of the area you need to focus on.

3) You know your child needs you and that you need to establish time with him her.

All those are positive places to start from and move forward.

There are a number of articles on this site that you can explore that can help you understand how you feel right now.

One way persons with BPD keep their relationships "under control" is through the use of F-O-G -- this stands for Fear, Obligation, Guilt. It sounds as if you are primarily feeling Guilt.  Do you know where that Guilt is coming from?

I feel responsible for her. By leaving her, I feel like I abandoned a child, as though she can't manage to take care of her self.

But still, I try to make my primary focus on myself and my child. I am also looking for a suitable apartment with  a room for my kid, because I don't know what is going to happen to my ex when she finally accepts that I am not coming back. The last time we broke up (before my kid was born), she wanted to go to mental hospital because she could not handle the pain of separation. If that happened this time, I would be prepared for it.

The thing is, till now, she was doing very well in raising our daughter.  But, is this going to be the case when our kid starts to talk and has her own well? Would my ex be able to handle criticism ? I doubt that. The same way she was treating me, she would also treat our daughter in the future. My brother told me, that by breaking up with my ex, I am also helping my child. At least, she would have a place where she can feel safe.